Chapter 9: Don't pretend to be a poser, or you'll get struck by lightning

  Seeing Li's heartbroken appearance, it seemed as if she had been deeply hurt by all the men in the world.

  It's no wonder that, at first, those who were on good terms with her were all high-ranking officials and aristocratic young masters, but they would rather compete with each other in a jealous frenzy than think of thoroughly rescuing Li Shishi from the brothel. This includes Emperor Huizong and the famous poet Zhou Bangyan. One time, Zhou was excited to go to a brothel, but ended up being blocked by Huizong at the door. He had no choice but to hide under the bed and listen to his superior and Li Shishi being intimate above him. In his extreme jealousy, he even composed a lewd poem mocking Huizong. As a result, he was demoted from the capital city. Later, Huizong also felt embarrassed about it and brought him back, giving him a not-too-high, not-too-low official position (Excerpted from "A Thousand Years of Historical Romances" Chapter N, 13th episode: The Wind that Night, edited by Zhang Xiaohua). The exchange between these two men is enough to show that Li Shishi was nothing more than a mistress in their eyes.

  I think it's necessary for me to instill the correct view of love in Li MM... uh, let her regain confidence in finding true love. I borrowed a phrase my mom always says when she sees me: "If there's someone suitable, then find one, you're not getting any younger..."

  While eating, we chatted happily. Li Shishi only talked about pleasant things and asked Weng Pizhi about how he came up with the idea of unifying weights and measures and building the Great Wall, but didn't mention anything about burning books or burying scholars or Qin Shi Huang's mother (Qin Shi Huang's mother was quite impressive). She also asked Jing Ke some detailed questions about sword dancing, and Jing Ke boasted like a narcissist in a martial arts novel: "I only know how to kill people, not dance with swords."

  At this point, it's clear that these two people have no idea that Li Shishi is trying to curry favor and are completely focused on the issue at hand, without noticing the undercurrents. Even the maids who swept the toilets in Qin Shi Huang's household were selected from the six states, and Jing Ke was treated with very high courtesy when he was a guest of Prince Dan (so high that I can hardly imagine it - I reckon even the towel girls were all virgins). These two people have at least an 800-point defense against beauties.

  But I, poor me, face steamed buns every day. At the starting point, writers of fewer than 5 VIP works are strictly forbidden from attempting to describe my girlfriend's appearance.

  Let's put it this way, my defense against ordinary ugly women is -100, against ordinary women -500, and against beauties like Li Shishi, it's negative infinity. I was just with Li and had two more bowls of rice, only half a catty less than Winnie the Pooh.

  At almost 10 o'clock at night, I arranged to sleep and told Li Shishi: "You sleep first, after a while your sister-in-law (I wish I could change this to the first person) will come to accompany you." Then I said to Ying Baozi and Jing Ersha: "Are you two going to sleep together or is anyone willing to sleep with me in one room?" Qin Shi Huang said: "I'll sleep with you, this stupid guy snores loudly." I nodded and said: "Okay, that's settled. I'm going to pick up Baozi from work, you all go back to your own rooms."

  Li Shishi pulled me aside and whispered to ask if I locked the door when I slept. I told her: as long as I'm not there, it's completely unnecessary...

  Actually, some readers have already discovered that with 3 rooms and 5 people, using permutation and combination methods can yield... quite a few results (I scored 26 in math on the college entrance exam). Among them, there is one arrangement suitable for us: I share a room with Baozi, Li Shishi has her own room, and the two silly guys share another. Ignoring the fat guy's opinion, this method has its advantages - I can sneak into other rooms at midnight. However, the biggest drawback is that Baozi will definitely know about my plan, making it unrealistic.

  I went to pick up Baozi, and I wanted to explain the Li Shishi thing to her. I thought of a plan that would work for both ancient and modern times: just say that Li Shishi - Wang Yuannan is my cousin, she's a fashion model, she's only staying with us temporarily, and she'll pay rent. Baozi isn't greedy, but putting me and another woman in a relationship of interest can make her not think wildly.

  Baozi immediately got anxious and said: "How can you ask people for money?"

  At this moment, I was even moved, I hugged her slender waist and walked in the endless night, a few thugs with unclear situations whistled at us, when we appeared under the streetlights, they scattered and fled, it's hard to say whether they saw the brick in my hand or because they saw Baozi's face.

  That night, my girlfriend slept next to a young lady, the killer was next to me, Qin Shi Huang was lying on my folding bed, and I made a bed on the ground far away from him - I was afraid he would fall down and crush me.

  My nerves had become so strong that they almost reached the point of peripheral neuropathy, to the extent that on the second day, I didn't even bother to greet Liu Lao Liu when I saw him. With a faint breath, I said: "Who did you bring this time?" Liu Lao Liu beckoned behind him, and my double-glazed glass door was immediately blocked by a giant who was slightly shorter than Yao Ming, wearing a raincoat that was stretched tight over his muscles, making creaking sounds as he walked in. He came in, pulled off the raincoat with one hand, revealing the fine armor underneath, looking like a high-ranking general. His two eyebrows were thick and dense, like two watermelon knives pointing at the sky. This man looked ferocious but had a despondent expression, and after entering the house, he only glanced at me once without saying a word.

  I casually pointed to the sofa in front of me and said lightly, "Sit down, brother, which dynasty are you from?" Now I'm not easily fooled, Qin Shi Huang is my bunkmate, how can I be easily deceived?

  That big fellow sat on the sofa with a thud, holding his head and not speaking, looking extremely depressed. Liu Lao Liu pointed at him with a smile and said: "Xiang Yu - Chu Bawang." I quickly stood up: "Ah, Brother Yu, sorry for the disrespect." Although Xiang Yu ultimately failed in his endeavors, he is a hero recognized by all ages, the greatest overlord in history. I didn't have the guts to argue with him, and it seemed that with just one hand, he could throw me to Iraq, of course, on the premise that he wasn't left-handed.

  Xiang Yu didn't even notice me, and Liu Lao Liu tried to ease the awkwardness by saying, "There's another one outside." He beckoned with his hand, and a yellow-faced man swaggered in, took a glance at me, nodded slightly, and then plopped himself down on the table - what a great sense of spatial awareness. I said to him, "You sit over there, it's more comfortable." I pointed to the sofa.

  He gave me a sideways glance and said with an air of superiority: "I am the Son of Heaven, how can I stoop to the level of ordinary people?"

  This guy is really unbearable, I patiently told him: "This is not a place to sit." Yellow face coughed and said solemnly: "I am not human, in the past, my mother saw a dragon hovering above, so she became pregnant with me, I rose up against the white snake..."

  I gave him a shove and pointed at Liu Liuzi's nose, cursing: "You son of a bitch, what do you mean by bringing Xiang Yu and Liu Bang together?"

  Liu Lao Liu lit a cigarette and said with a smile: "It's nothing, the two of them have already made up."

  I took a glance at the giant Xiang Yu, pointing to Liu Bang and said: "This guy - you can beat him up, but don't kill him, we have rules here." Xiang Yu covered his head and said dejectedly: "Don't worry, I won't hit him."

  Liu Bang was furious, he opened the hand I pointed at him and shouted: "How dare you be so presumptuous with me!" I grabbed his collar and said sternly: "Don't pretend to be a big shot, pretending will get you struck by lightning!" I told him, "Qin Shi Huang is right above your head, with his appetite, he can eat you up without even chewing."