ForeverEgg

  The m I found Carolyn in the b slightly more frazzled than she was yesterday.

  "Oh good, You're awake." Carolyn wheeled her chair halfway to me, theurned around, grabbed her thermos from her desk, and wheeled toward me again. I caught the arm of her chair.

  "Whew. ch. Anyways. Good M!"

  "Are you… okay?"

  "Eh. Don't worry about it."

  "Should you be drinking more caffeine right now?"

  "Of course not." Carolyn took a long drink from her thermos. "This is water. I am going to bed after we are done here."

  "I… see." I followed her as she wheeled back to her desk. "I don't want to be rude, but… are you sure you're in a state to be doing all this? Like is this safe?"

  "Owch, but valid . I hardly bme you." She pulled up a few windows and seemed tle te them just so. "Let me expin.-- no there is too much. Let me sum up."

  "This-" she poi the right half of her monitor "-is yenome."

  She clicked and dragged a simir window to the left half. "This is the proprietary Jersey genome modification kit."

  She made a big show of pressing a button on her keyboard and a bunch of ses of the left rearrahemselves over the right side.

  "And that… expins it?"

  "Oh!" She spped her forehead and hit another key. A progress bar fshed across for an instant but nothing seemed to ge. "And that is the sex update."

  "Is it actually that simple?"

  "Fuo. But nevermind all of that. This--" she tapped another button and most of the right side window, my genome, disappeared, leaving only her 'updates' as she called them. "This is the illusion that we will maintain iuity."

  "Illusion? It's not real?"

  Carolyn waved a hand. "It's real, it's real. We are just going to apply a body-wide illusion that will ge the instrus your body uses to keep you as you. You know, tissue regeion, chemical bances… most of it is dormant code by now anyways so the first step is ging the building instrus and hitting print. Once your body has fihose instrus we will load up the maintenanstrus and then it's just a cycle."

  "Why not just ge the code?"

  "Sce/magi't there yet. Maybe someday."

  "What if I stop maintaining the instrus?"

  "Don't do that."

  "But what if--"

  "Do you know what happens tan transpnt recipients when they don't take their medie?"

  "No…"

  "It's bad. Seriously though, don't worry about that."

  "Uh."

  "You're w. Shit my bad. Uuuuuuh okay." She grabbed a thumb drive and plugged it into the puter. A few clicks ter she unplugged it and ha to me. "That is everything a gene modder could o maintain yenome."

  "Everything?"

  "Well, they would he education background too but…" Carolyn wheeled back around and pulled up a chart. "This is the team that peer-reviewed your mods. I personally know half of them, but the other half have the credentials to check this stuff too. I'm not a solo act here, my work is checked against several others."

  "Oh, well that's encing."

  "I'll try to not take that as a resounding ck of faith in my abilities."

  "I'm sorry, it's just--"

  "Teasing. I'm teasing again. It's your body, don't ever let anyone do stuff to it that you don't want."

  "Why gh all this effort for me?"

  Carolyn stopped and blinked. "There's a bunch of reasons I suppose but the best one is probably… It's fun? It's like being handed a fun new puzzle, always a new challenge."

  "I'm gd it's fun."

  "It's also gonna make us sooooooo much money. Did I mention that I haven't slept retly? I think I should do some sleep."

  Impatietled guilt in my gut. I wasn't sure which was winning but I was definitely losing. So much effort on my at, but I so desperately wao ask for just a bit more. It felt like I was so very close to possibly being at home in my own skin for the first time I could remember.

  Carolyn twisted bad forth in her chair swaying slightly as she seemed to be in her own little world. She stretched nguidly, arg her back over the chair before standing. "Anyways. Your potion is… right there." she poi a purple vial sitting alone on a test tube rack. "Don't operate heavy equipment for 8 hours, call me if ere persists for more than 4 hours--" She trailed off as Deyha arrived. "And most importantly, have fun!" she held out her arms to Deyha. "Uppies!"

  "Ah." Deyha pursed her lips. "Yeah she gets loopy wheired. Did she mahe whole expnation before losing the thread?"

  "I'm… not sure."

  "Fair enough." Deyha scooped Carolyn up as if she weighed nothing. "We walk and talk, which serum is yours?"

  I gestured toward the "potion" that had been pointed out to me.

  "Excellent, bring that a's go."

  I held the b door open for Deyha and hurried ahead to get the door.

  "Did she tell you what the first serum does?"

  "I don't think so, no."

  "Uandable. Well, usually the first one is pretty foundational so for you it's likely going to be primary and sedary sex characteristics. I assume Carolyn checked, but you haven't had any uh… relevant ans removed, have you?"

  "I had my gallbdder removed a while back, does that t?"

  "Surprisingly, yes, but not for this one." Carolyn mumbled.

  "What does that mean?"

  "Herbivores have different digestive systems so--"

  Carolyn cut in "I'm gonna rearrange yuts."

  "Damn it Carolyn, don't make me drop you. What she means to say is that digestive system ges are in the pipeli not for today."

  "Does she know that's a euphemism for--"

  Carolyn cut me off this time. "Damn right I do."

  "Hush." Deyha scolded her passenger a me pass to ope door out of the building. "What she means to inform you of is that this is a retively small update, the bovine characteristie ter on."

  "So I just drink it whenever?"

  "Yeah, just make sure you're sure you know? Once you start it be dangerous to stop."

  I drank the potion.

  "Nice." Carolyn murmured. "Barely hesitated. What a powermove."

  "Wele to the club." Deyha nudged my shoulder. "The body mod club that is. You've always been in the cool kids club from what I tell."

  "Cool kids club?"

  "The queer unity, naturally."

  "Thanks."

  Despite my best unrealistic hopes, I did not feel good this m. In addition to being road-weary I was simply exhausted even after so much sleep. My chest ached so bad. I'd heard stories about people getting some tenderness from starting hormones but this was all that chest tenderness plus my groin, stomach, hips… Where didn't it hurt anyways?

  I groaned as I sat up in bed and groaned again as I stood. I certainly didn't sound different, and given that my throat felt fine, if a bit parched, I could only assume that my vocal chords were not being reprinted presently. Was any boructure going to ge? Was it foolish to hope? I put that aside and anized myself to tackle aable items. I was thirsty.

  I filled a cup at the bathroom tap and gred moodily at the mirror, trying to see if there was anything to see. Of course, one of the important pos of a "spot the difference" exercise was to have a baselio pare against, and I had the stra feeling I wasn't going to find any suitable pictures for that.

  I shaved my fayway and stared at the mirror a minute longer. Was I supposed to keep practig the whole radical self-acceptauff? Even now? Probably. It's not like my therapist would tell me "actually, you fet all that now, you're fixed and will never have to work at existing again."

  Sometimes I cracked myself up.

  I tio lean heavily on the ter as I unlocked my phone. I imagihere was actually a little bit of chest to look past now, but this was another pce I'd need a baseline. Or I could just vince myself that big ges were happening and I felt unambiguously happy about all of them. N answer.

  Carolyn had texted

  How are you feeling today ??

  I tapped out a reply, challenging myself to do so without pig up the phone.

  Ouchie. Why does it hurt in my everything?

  I stretched and rolled my shoulders back, p through the burniion in my chest as my shirt tio rub in excruciating ways.

  That must be the everything-hurting-juice I put in there. It's a bitch isn't it?

  I smiled despite myself.

  What all did you set to reprint on this potion anyways?

  I held the front of my shirt off my skin as I returo my bed and sat on the edge. I didn't have to wait long for a reply.

  Iing. I holy didn't expect the whole "reprinting" and "potion" lingo to cat but it's growing ooo. Anyways. This one is pretty mild. I mostly told your Testes to be Ovaries and informed your endoe system at rge that your hormones should be different. New instrus and whatnot. Are there any mood ges? What's your opinion on Paramore?

  "Fuck" I groahat's what I got for blind trust. Even I knew from just the baseline hormone research that there was a step up process for doses. She was literally overdosing me orogen. I struggled te my thoughts. I wao scream and cry. I wao yell that I'm in pain and it's her fault for being so careless, and taking this lightly… but every time I typed out a message I ended up deleting it. After a few tries I just let the phone fall on the bed beside me. Later. This roblem for ter.

  My ph. I sidered ign it to be safe but it was hard to guess if that actually would be safer or not.

  "Hello?" my voice sounded even more broken and paihan I thought I felt. Or maybe exactly as bad as I felt. Who could tell?

  "Are you okay?" Carolyn sounded serious for once, but that just made my fused emotions boil over.

  It felt like ay before I mao say "no."

  "Okay, focus ohing, we talk through this."

  I nodded even though she couldn't see.

  "Are you safe?"

  "Yeah. I'm just lying on my bed."

  "That's good… and are you thinking of hurting yourself or others?"

  "You sound like my therapist."

  "Mhmm, now ahe question." Carolyn's voice was still ge the serious tone was a bit sharper for a moment.

  "No, I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else."

  "Okay. That's good. That's a good starting point."

  I didn't know what to say to that. I was a little irritated at the notion of "starting points" in general right now. I didn't even particurly want to move the versation forward so I just tried breathing.

  "Is the disfort different than you expected?"

  I huffed a bitter ugh. "Disfort? This is very, very, very painful right now. The slightest breeze on my chest makes me want to curl up in a ball."

  "Ah. yeah that is… that's a bit more extreme than i would have predicted."

  "I don't mean to be rude, but did you sider that the saying of 'puberty hitting like a truck' might have been hyperbolic? Like even the most aggressive hormone flood was still a curve for most people?"

  The phone remained silent for a long time, long enough that I wondered if I really had been too rude. If i'd just spped her in the face when all she wao do was help.

  "I didn't. That's on me. I… how I make it up to you?"

  "Fuck if i know." I groaned again, more for my be than anything as I sat back up. I took a sed to tug the infernal t-shirt over my head and the to wipe my fabsp;

  Carolyn still sounded remorseful. "I'm sorry for running you over with the puberty truck."

  I ughed and cried out and ughed again. "Don't make me ugh!" I struggled to catch my breath.

  "Well, if you think about it, you've already been hit by a truck, I dare say your life is going to be pretty pletely different from now on… should we just drive a uhaul out there and pick you up? Make the isekai official?"

  "Seriously?"

  "A little yeah. Legitimately there should be at least a bit of medical monit going on for symptoms like these and at some point… it would save a trip to do everything at once."

  "So you're just going to rock up to my pce with a trud a bunch of dudes and just whisk me away to my new life?"

  "This is probably one of those things you should do while of sound mind but… we make the best with what we have."

  "Fuuuuuuck. You really are going and making me an offer I 't refuse."

  Carolyn slipped seamlessly bato fident sass. "Really? is it that pelling? Sometimes I outdo myself."

  "Fine. You win. I am formally requesting Uhaul medevac."

  "Excellent name. Let me talk to Deyha and I'll get back to you."

  "Have funnnnn." I did my best sing-song voice.

  "You know full well I am going to get reamed for this."

  "Tell her I said to be gentle."

  "Uh huh." She grumbled. "I'll let you know if that works. Later."

  Despite my stant sed guessing, I never got quite far enough with my doubts and misgivings to ask them not to e, or not t the moving van.

  At Carolyn's suggestion I torted myself into one of my sports bras and after psyg myself up for a bit I let the fabriug up against my breasts. I'd sidered grabbing a couple cereal bowls to create a sort of terrarium for eaipple but I was just barely self-scious enough not to be seen like that with my new… friends? Coworkers? Cow-workers? I ughed at my own absurdity but it didn't hurt this time. That ted as a victory in my book.

  Given the five or so hours to panic , I actually aplished a good bit. The refrigerator tents had been disposed of, the admin office of the plex accepted most of the ed goods to pass on to a good cause of some sort, and I'd caught up my undry.

  I was really hopeful about maybe growing out of most of the clothes really soon so I took a measure of satisfa pg the scratchy wool bzer in the "donation" box while my suitcase got to be mostly pajamas and y t-shirts.

  Altogether I was satisfied with my progress when I went out to meet Carolyn and Deyha in the parking lot.

  "Hey Babygirl!" Carolyn practically shouted out the window and the tri-state dairy truck was scarcely stopped before she hopped out and skipped over to me. "That is easily the cutest outfit yet". She gestured between my cotton lounge pants and matg bck bra.

  My face burned and I pulled at the edges of the white button up I left open. "Don't be mean." I grumbled.

  "I'm not!" Her voice seemed to rise an octave. "It's true! I mean, maybe it's not the most meaningful when the baseline is a suit and a hoodie but this is cute! Somebody has to inform you."

  "Uh huh." I looked to Deyha for backup as she extricated herself from the driver seat. She was ba the overalls and button up today and looked horrendously unfortable because of it. The situation probably wasn't helping.

  "Have you eaten?" Deyha's hooves clicked on the sidewalk as she approached. I'd scarcely begun to refle what I might have snacked on today before she held out a buo me. "I'm taking that as a no. Here."

  I uned the package to find a simple sandwich with peared to be either tuna or chi.

  "Should I be eating this? What with the meat? And how do you have this anyways?"

  Deyha chuckled. "It's not like the farm is a prison. And besides, you don't have a herbivut yet. There's no point in nourishing an omnivore the hard way."

  "What if I'm already vegetarian?"

  "You're not. Stop being a brat." She patted my head and then put her hands on her hips. "So whie is yours?"

  "Sixty-nine." I pointed over my shoulder.

  "You're shitting me. Wait, no, that's what you said before. Funny."

  "What's so funny?" I struggled to sound ihrough a mouthful of tuna sandwich.

  "What did I say about being a brat? If you don't know, I'm not going to be the oo tell you."

  "I'm happy to demonstrate." Carolyn piped up.

  Deyha sighed, more chagrined and resighan upset now. "Once again, wildly inappropriate. e on, we're burning daylight."

  We were just getting the first of the furniture loaded into the vahad and Jake showed up.

  "Whoa, siputer, dude-- no offense." Jake k down to peer through the gss side panel.

  "Uh. aken?"

  "Cool, cool. How do you want to transport this?"

  "Ideally on its side, motherboard down, but we also shouldn't staything on the gss i think"

  "Makes sense." He lifted the puter easily.

  He was out the door before I could begin to form a polite protest. However, before I could even collect the monitor cables I heard a terrible crash. The signature bination of sharp shattering and rhythmic thumps of a very expensive box doing cartwheels.

  I didn't want to look. I didn't want to know what had happened, but I found myself standing outside anyway. I didn't trust myself to say anything but all the bases seemed to be covered in that respect. Thad expressed shock, Carolyn cursed, and Deyha was first on site to see if Jake was okay.

  Familiar blind rage filled me, but there was a drunken feeling to it. It felt more dizzying as I watched Jake brush gss off his palms and a weak feeling swept over me. The urge to sit down quickly became an overwhelming weariness.

  The t was cool and hard on my baow, peting with the sensations of pain and tenderness in my knees, hips, and chest. And for some reason people were saying my oo now.

  My thoughts swam, driftiween the absurd events of the ret days. Lizard girls, chimeras, human cattle? It was all a bit silly wasn't it?

  Bewilderiions of texture and temperature took their sweet time coalesg into something believable. The ground under me was soft now and something was restraining my ankles.

  "Easy, Maddie. Easy." Carolyn's voice washed over me and I tabled the escape pns for the moment.

  When I opened my eyes her face side down, wreathed in light glowing through the stray bck hairs of her braid.

  "What happened?"

  Deyhas voice came from somewhere near my feet. "You fainted."

  "Is that normal?" I rubbed my eyes and then tried to find somewhere fortable to rest my arms.

  "You tell us."

  I searched my memory, trying to match these sensations to something in my past.

  "Oime when I was iary school I ran full speed into a fend woke up bawling. Does that t?"

  "No, not really." Carolyn smirked. "Have you had anything to eat or drink today?"

  "Oh." I held up my hand. "I know this one. I had a tuna sandwich."

  "And?" Deyha asked.

  "And uh…" by the time it occurred to me that I could make something up, I had already taken too long.

  "Gods." Deyha muttered. "You and Carolyn are a matched set."

  "What's that supposed to mean?" I felt my cheeks warm and I renewed my attempts to take back my legs from Deyha's grasp.

  "It means you're both brats, stop fidgeting!"

  "Stop holding my legs!" I tered and finally won back a shred of my bodily autonomy.

  I groaned for what must have been the huh time today as I sat up, and I had scarcely a moment of peace before Carolyn pressed a cool cup of water into my hand.

  "Fine, fine." I murmured and took a sip. The room looked the same as it had before so I wagered I hadn't fully passed out for any signifit stretch of time. Still, that didn't make it any less embarrassing. "What's the damage?"

  "You trolled your colpse pretty well so probably just a scuffed knee and palm." Carolyn sat on the couch where my head had been and crossed her legs.

  "I was actually curious about my puter.-- and uh. Jake is okay, right?"

  "He's fine. Just tiny cuts from the gss. The puter is a little busted." Carolyn patted my knee.

  "How busted?"

  "Jake tells me the graphics card ejected unsafely."

  I ughed despite my despair. It was absurd, just like everything else. "How the fuck did the GPU e out?"

  "It didn't seem to be screwed in." Jake peeked out from the bathroom.

  "Ugh. Of course. Nobody talks about how expensive ADHD be." I rubbed my eyes and sank bato the couch. "I got distracted while uninstalling the graphics card for transport."

  "Ah. That tracks."

  I cradled the cup in my p, rog it slowly to make the wet ring around the rim symmetrical. "I guess it makes sense. Isekais are supposed to be fresh starts in a new world. It would be unfair if I got t things along."

  Deyha braced her hands on her knees and stood. "No offe that sounds a little nonsensical."

  "Its an ahing" Carolyn said

  "Nerd!" Jake or Thad called from the other room. I couldn't quite tell their voices apart yet.

  I tried to stand as well but Carolyn held me back by the shoulder. "Take it easy for a bit." We'll sort things out.

  I stiffled a retort about a ck of faith but in truth there wasn't anything else at risk. I'd carefully packed my treasured belongings long before they arrived so there wasn't anythio break.

  I occupied myself taking sips of water as the impromptu moving crew bustled around, occasionally pausing to ask a question or strike up versation about some belonging or another. I did my best to be reciprocal but they didn't seem to expect much. Maybe they could tell how frayed I was.

  Finally it was just me and the couch. Jake and Thad joked about carryi with it but I stood up before they could make good ohreat. I did a brief walkthrough of the studio apartment and followed them outside.

  I was staring out the idow at the box truck when a kno the door shook me from my thoughts. Carolyurned, beari aray of food.

  Don't get me wrong, it was good food, but I'd already given myself a headache binging shows on my phone and this room didn't have a TV. The ever-present aches had obliterated my sleep, and the hospital-style bed hadn't helped in the slightest.

  "How are the pain levels today?"

  I shrugged and prodded myself. "Tender but no stant pain." The breast growth had been sudden: violent even, giveretch marks, and I'd spent many hours w what I was getting myself into. I didn't see a girl in the mirror. Not the girl I expected anyways. But that seemed to all e down to my bones. Fat, skin and muscle were happy to get with the program, bones… not so much.

  "robably start the stage then"

  "Oh? Already?"

  "Mhmm." Carolyn pulled out a notebook and clicked a pen. "Let's talk about goals."

  "Oh." My enthusiasm withered away. Choices.

  "What do you want to mod?"

  "What are my options really? I figure the main thing is I'll be stantly produg milk."

  "Ideally." Carolyn nodded "but we don't have to hurry into that. It's also worth discussing if you want fur, aalia differences, not to mentioility and libido."

  "Is there a- I don't know- budget? Or a list of avaible ges?"

  "Well, venom produ requires a lise, and wings are beyond impractical at scale… but other than that. Nope. No budget."

  "Uh… well… I'd like to be shorter."

  Carolyn nodded and scribbled on her clipboard.

  "I'd actually just like an all around skeleton update."

  "Normal proportions?"

  "Yeah,"

  "I 't talk you into horns? A tail?" Carolyn hadn't looked up from her clipboard.

  "I dunno…" I felt like I was talking to a high pressure saleswoman suddenly, trying to bundle iures I didn't need.

  Carolyn sighed. "Say no. You're supposed to say no."

  "Supposed to?"

  "I told you, day one, don't let anyone do anything to your body that you don't want."

  I withered under her gaze. "Sorry."

  Carolyn rubbed her brow. "Do you even want to be a cowgirl?"

  "It's plicated."

  "Identities tend to be multi-faceted, yes."

  "I just don't know yet."

  She clicked her pen and leaned ba her chair. "You're su egg."

  "I am not!"

  "You are. You're ging to your shell for dear life."

  "You have no idea how much I've tried to grow out of it!" My vision blurred with tears. "I'm doing my best!"

  "Then tell me who you are! Tell me what I'm supposed to see when I look at you. Tell me what you wao know about you at a gnce. Give me aor pitch. Something, anything."

  "I. Don't. Know." I ched my fists on my knees. Why was this such torture? Why was it so much work?

  "What did you think was going to happen here?"

  "I guess I thought I'd step into a little pod and then I'd just pop out cute and happy!" I let my tone drip with sarcasm. "I thought I'd be bred and milked and tagged and just while away my life in simple bliss or some shit."

  "Real funny." Carolyn scowled.

  "I'm n to be funny!"

  Carolyn raised an eyebrow. As if challengiue with her further.

  My face was burning now and I ched the cloth of my pants. "You're the one who suggested forcefem…"

  Carolyn sighed. The hostility I felt radiating from her a moment ago seemed to be gone in an instant. She clicked her pen and began writing again.

  "Cute … happy… tagged … bred…. milked. Is that everything?"

  "What?" I felt a perverse heat bloom in my stomach.

  "I'm still thinking the Jersey breed is the cutest. A rawberry blonde fur, a few inches shorter. Big ears so we tag you, or for earrings if you prefer… wide, fertile hips… and horny. Very. Very. Very horny.

  "Um."

  "Say no." There was a challenge in her gaze now.

  "Yes… please."

  "Good girl." Carolyhed a relieved sigh. "So o have that cleared, oh and how do you feel about handlebars- i mean horns and a tail?"

  "Yes."

  "Perfeow. You're about to grow a real pair soon, literally and figuratively, so I expect you to figure out how to say what you need. Okay? I'm not going to goad you into a meltdown for every single fug thing."

  "Yes ma'am."

  Carolyn huffed a ugh. "Oh, you're so fucked."