Ren inhaled.
"Three... two... one..."
And pressed the only button on the artefact.
Nothing happened.
He pressed it again.
Nothing happened.
For the third time now...
............you guessed it, nothing happened.
Ren got pissed.
"I HATE MY LIFE!"
Ubume, meanwhile, said in a bored voice:
|| No, you failure! Your life hates you! ||
~~~
After shaking the artefact like a malfunctioning TV remote, Ren tried the ultimate, god-tier, apocalyptic last option.
He'd been saving it for the last, but the 'last' had arrived.
And so, with the confidence and badass vibes of Goku firing a Supercharged Kamehameha, Ren inhaled.
And said:
"..............OPEN SESAME! "
...Nothing hapened.
The wind sent a leaf smacking onto Ren's face.
Before Ren could groan, however, he heard something rumble.
Ubume, laughing her ass off, said:
||Whoops, wrong tool. Anyways, good luck! ||
Ren looked up to find a towering, molten rock sumo grandpa with cracked lava skin and a beard made of flowing magma.
The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
He had burning ember eyes, a half-melted crown, and a permanent scowl like he just woke up from a 500-year nap. (of course he has)
His every step shook the earth, and when he spoke, it was like an earthquake growling at him personally:
||TARE KA AHETE WARE WO SAMASU YA? MATA MO OROKA NARU BONPU KA? USE YO, KOMUSHI ME!||
Ren's heart was beating like a helicopter.
He turned towards Ubume and said:
"Translate this ancient crap!"
Ubume IMMEDIATELY echoed:
||WHO THE HELL DARES WAKE ME? ANOTHER STUPID MORTAL? BEGONE, PISS ANT.||
Ren paused.
Then, cracking his knuckles, he asked:
"Who the hell's this Grandpa?"
Ubume stared at him like he just asked how many letters were there in the alphabet.
Sighing, she said:
||This is Kaifu, the slumbering spirit of Mt. Fuji, and he is PISSED that some punk teenager woke him up.||
Ren froze.
He stared at the ancient, crusty old man, made entirely of cracked volcanic rock and molten veins of lava, skin glowing between the cracks.
Ren gulped.
"Uh, hi, grandpa Kaifu. Could you make this thing erupt for me?? Please???"
Nothing happened.
Before Ren could realise his mistake, however, a semi-molten boulder came hurtling towards him at Mach 5.
Ren dodged it in the nick of time...
...but not before getting his back burnt instead.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU................"
The impact yeeted him off the train, sending him flying above.
He flew for thirty damn seconds before smashing into Karasujin.
"Huh, guess we're equal now, damn scammer!"
Karasujin, meanwhile, was absolutely (pleasantly) surprised:
||Ren-san, pleased indee—||
"BRO SHUT THE HELL UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!!"
Karasujin paused for a while.
Then he said:
||Okay, Ren-san.||
..........And let go of Ren.
After being in free fall for thirty damn secods (again), Ren crashed on the same spot freom which he got launched.
Ubume, outta nowhere, asked:
||Say kid—||
"I'm NOT a kid! I'm seventeen dammit! Call me REN!!"
Ubume just went on
||—what do they do in your world when they want to achieve something passively without too much drama?||
Ren blinked.
He said:
"Why, we bribe 'em"
Ubume stared.
||So?||
After an eternity, Ren's single remaining brain cell misfired.
"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH! Bet, lemme just do that!"
He opened his backpack, hoping that Kaifu would be satisfied by a few hundred yen.
What he found, instead, was a single, most supreme bribe ever in existence.
He IMMEDIATELY picked it up, then said to Kaifu in a trembling voice filled with anticipation.
"Uh, Grandpa Kaifu? Do you like ..........................Pocari Sweat???"
The raging molten rock grandpa paused.
It looked like he was seriously contemplating the deal.
Finally, he responded.
||DANJITE INA NARI! SHIREMONO MEGA!||
Ren turned towards Ubume.
Ubume reponded:
|| I REFUSE, YOU IMBECILE! ||
Ren gulped.
The can had already vaporised.
Ren groaned.
