Chapter two

  Memories and reality.

  Time passed by like a flash of lightning cruised hastily across the skies

  in an instant. Usually, the passing of a year would feel like an eternity.

  At least for some people like myself. But not in this world.

  I can't tell if it's just me or how this new world's metaphysical plane differs from the

  last one.

  Five years have passed by in this hexed world, all while I continue to

  struggle with my newfound existence.

  Throughout my nursing period, I took time to think over the situation I

  was trapped in and wondered all the same and wondered.

  (Am I capable of changing my fate?)

  There was a time when I considered ending my life, once and for all.

  Certainly, a simpler solution that I could have done long ago. A remade

  and reworked thought that had occurred in my mind many times before I

  even came to this world. Yet always lacked the courage to do so.

  Perhaps part of me wanted to believe in second chances. But now, it is

  different.

  it's not the equation of the question "Will it be worth it if I ended here?"

  But Whenever I glance over at my mother, filled with adoration and

  devotion to her role as my caretaker, I can't help but relieve myself of all

  suicidal thoughts.

  It had crossed my mind to come forward and confess to her the horrible

  truth. The truth about my former identity. But alas, nobody would

  believe such a mythical tale. And were she to believe me, what would

  she think of me then? A demon, a spawn of hell in the body of her

  supposed child. What good will do that to her? She would surely lose all

  sense of sanity and succumb to the depths of madness, a reality more

  despondent and miserable than anything she could’ve imagined.

  Especially after suffering for so long just to have me. all the hardship

  and the loss she endured to reach this moment. That one tear fell out of

  her eyes back then. it was a mixture of joy and sadness. I can't imagine

  the pain she went through.

  It was not only for her sake that I withheld this information, but for mine

  as well. She was my mother. I could not bear to burden her with such

  unfathomable knowledge.

  Not to mention that revealing such dire and gruesome information was

  all for no consequences. Should the news spread, I could be tracked

  down and experimented on, treated as a mere lab rat, given the innate

  value of my very being. I'd rather die than become someone else's

  pawn...

  In short, I decided to play along; there could've been something for me

  to unfold, more to learn about this fantasy situation I seem to have

  landed myself in. But here I am... in this new world named Land's

  Beyond, completely and utterly different from the Earth I knew.

  *

  Over time, I managed to recall fragmented memories from my past life,

  primarily who I was, where I lived, and what I did. And... most

  importantly, how I died and what happened in the aftermath.

  I don't know why I forgot my old name, but I was certain of the

  background

  I was a twenty-six-year-old man working in a business apartment for

  finance for a certain company. I can't remember when I was born, but I

  knew I lived and worked in Tokyo, Japan.

  Ever since I was a child, I had possessed a passion for fictional novel

  stories. Fondness and craving towards fabricated, unrealistic themes and

  concepts that I presumed would never come to light. Notions that make

  one question the secrecy behind the story and the sanctity of its

  unraveling mystifications. Something that would attract the readers'

  attention in short words.

  My goal was mainly to find a meaning behind such tales. Even though

  they were fictional in nature and held no other purpose, I always

  believed there was little more than that. I was also hoping that through

  them, I would find my own purpose directly or not, much like these

  fictional characters with their own ups and downs. They each had their

  own development. I desired the same.

  Therefore, I delved into complex matters of psychology, philosophy,

  alchemy, history, and religion. All in the effort of finding that one

  singular answer.

  Regrettably, I never found it... I don't know whether the fault was mine

  for not understanding such stories or simply being unlucky in finding the

  correct one, even though by now I have read as many as I could

  imagine by now.

  But who would have thought I got my answer by experiencing them

  firsthand... how ironic.

  I was introverted and preferred spending most of my time alone. I had a

  hard time getting along with people, especially friends. Not out of a lack

  of interest, but rather a failure to communicate with the people around

  me. I recalled many situations where a group of schoolmates had been

  discussing a certain pop song that went viral. I found it difficult to

  engage in the conversation, feeling as though I was simply a spectator,

  unable to relate to those around me.

  Simply to put, I found no interest in such mundane and common

  topics.

  I also suffered from a lack of attentiveness, making me an irritating

  figure to those around me.

  That said, I was never particularly sorrowful nor cheerful in nature.

  Regardless of my inability to express a wide range of emotions, I was

  still capable of gaining the trust of others through sheer genuineness. I

  was known for being honest, even when the truth was brutal. Because of

  this, this made me more emotionally unavailable than any. Making me

  never believe in a hopeful outlook on life. I despised it and always

  believed that one day, I would find my place in the world at the very end

  of it. The eternal peace I longed for.

  Yet, with all these relocations, I failed to remember one important detail:

  my family. I don't know them; I can't remember their faces or names. It's

  nothing more than a blurred vision. I suppose I wasn't very close to them

  if I had forgotten about them by now. Yet I remained doubtful.

  I wanted to know them. Even when I have a new and perhaps a better

  life than the old one. And even when it seemed nothing more than a

  bothersome to suffer the reallocation of the past. I still wanted to know

  who they were at least.

  And to top it all off, I was born with a major chronic illness that

  dramatically shortened my lifespan. There were times when I

  experienced never-ending cycles of pain and anxiety, taking medication

  every day and suffering from repetitive adverse effects. I constantly felt

  weak and incapable.

  A burden upon others. I had no desire to live. only another; to die.

  Despite the hardships I had to endure, I resisted and continued to fight in

  search of my reason for living. For a time, reading as many books as I

  could kept me sane.

  It was like Alice in Wonderland. I was trapped in my own world of

  imagination, my own prison that felt like a distraction from my everyday

  life.

  That is not to say my desire for death ceased to exist. It continued to

  creep and lurk in the shadows, ever so slowly. It transformed from a

  nihilistic desire to a spiritual one.

  I held onto the hope that one day, all the challenges I faced would pay

  off, and I would eventually find the peace I longed for. I wasn't the most

  religious person, yet I couldn't believe the myth in the belief that God

  created atrocities such as famine, poverty, and unfairness without any

  specific reason. I always believed there was a purpose behind

  everything.

  But all of that changed with my rebirth. My hopes and dreams wish

  and desires, legends, and myth... everything I yearned for, were cast

  aside like worthless pebbles. And, I was much the same. A

  discarded tool, thrown away and used again. My former life was

  meaningless from the moment I was born. It was a cursed life that led

  me into another accursed one, where immeasurable suffering suffocated

  me like a rope filled with sharp spikes piercing my skin.

  This, indeed, was hell.

  *

  The ending, how I died, was more nightmarish than one would assume.

  I had been walking back home after a long day at work.

  I remembered I had barely gotten any rest that day; I was never that

  desperate. The day seemed like any other, with bustling streets and

  pedestrians crowding the sidewalks of Shibuya.

  Subway stations were packed with students and workers who had just

  finished their day and were heading home. As I walked out of the metro

  into the cross street, the sun was just about to sink. It was amidst the hot

  summer of May, a terrible time for attending work and institutions, yet a

  perfect day to spend at the beach with friends and loved ones.

  However, I had never felt such a lively feeling since I never had the chance to

  experience them or remember any. It was the same walk, the same city,

  the same streets, the same people—everything was a duplicate of the day

  before.

  That said, I didn't mind, for I never liked change; it felt

  unnecessary. This life was peaceful, at least for a little while longer.

  But all of that changed on that same day. The world I had come to know

  was suddenly propelled into a cycle of despair, chaos, antipathy,

  ambiguity, and doubt. It all changed when the old ones, the elder ones,

  the old gods, returned from their everlasting slumber.

  I can vaguely recall the moment before the fall occurred. Bells began to

  toll from some uncharted plain, beckoning in an immoral and

  promiscuous pattern, as if dancing to a planned rhythm.

  One clank after another, sometimes with only a few seconds between

  each toll, while another quickly followed the first. The sound of

  hundreds, if not thousands of bells reverberated together in each cycle. It

  was like I could hear each siren from throughout the whole world

  chiming at the same moment. Honestly, it terrified me how well they

  chimed in sync and in a different tones. Some grew louder while others

  subdued away.

  One clank after another, they created an unholy call that spread nothing

  but fear in the hearts of men.

  I say unholy because these were not ordinary and occasional church

  bells. And certainly not during the bustling days. However, I knew one

  thing for certain: no ordinary bells ever chimed this way. It felt demonic

  in nature.

  The most apocalyptic song ever... The minimalist arrangements, together with the

  hypnotic repetition of those bells, make this sound very unsettling. One

  of the most enveloping and atmospheric themes I ever heard, you can

  just feel doom slowly crawling over this world.

  It was catchy. I couldn't get it out of my head. It was one of the most

  chilling fourth wall breaks I had ever experienced.

  I looked around only to find that the people of Shibuya were affected by

  this song. Many were in distress; some were fearful and frightened.

  others were confused and finally. Some grew mad and started laughing

  hysterically while looking at the sky.

  But not me. For some reason, I stayed calm and composed even when I

  was genuinely disrupted by this call. Perhaps I somehow convinced myself

  that it was all just a nightmare, as is usually the case, or maybe it felt

  familiar...

  Part of me felt like I had heard this before, whether in my younger days

  or as a sense of déjà vu. I knew deep down that I had heard this

  somewhere. Somewhere in my memory.

  Suddenly, the earth started shaking, an earthquake unlike any other. The

  tremors grew stronger with each passing second, causing cars to vibrate

  and people to fall to the ground in fear. It felt as though something or

  someone was emerging from within the earth itself

  The upheaval unleashed a deafening growl, resembling a hungry beast.

  Then, the skies transformed before my eyes. The once serene blue and

  white clouds gave way to a cosmic spectacle. The atmosphere became

  adorned with majestic cliffs, valleys, and an infinite array of glittering

  stars, comets, and peculiar clouds in shades of purple and red-orange.

  Amidst this turbulent azure, bolts of violet lightning danced.

  But all of this paled in comparison to the horror that followed. The air

  began moving around the moon.

  Out of thick space, a giant demonic eye appeared, as if summoned by unholy ethereal magic. staring down back

  at us. Around the eye, the sky split, deep clefts opened through which

  darkness began to ooze, darkness blacker than the night, which

  crawled down as a set of slimy tentacles, taking on more form, more

  definite shape.

  It looked down upon the panicked humans, who screamed in fear and

  desperation, searching for any means of escape from this hellish

  nightmare.

  I stood there, bewildered, unable to comprehend the nightmare unfolding

  before me. For some reason, I convinced myself that it was all just a

  dream. It was too difficult to believe that such purposeless terror could

  be real. It was something I had only witnessed in movies or read about in

  novels; never had I imagined it could transcend the realm of fiction.

  A famous horror novelist once said, "From even the greatest of horrors,

  the irony is seldom absent."

  Now, I fully understood the meaning behind those words. It was the fear

  of the unknown, the unimaginable.

  The bells continued to toll and the ground rumbled with a powerful

  growl, shattering the earth into narrow cliffs and valleys that led to an

  abyssal chasm, veiled in mystery.

  Above the howls of the frenzied masses, monstrous and unrecognizable voices emerged from the depths,

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  devoid of anything familiar or known. Thousands of screams and

  screeches intensified, each one thirsting for death.

  Large tentacles slithered out from the narrow crevices, grotesque

  creatures emerging with a horrifying appearance that defiled any modern

  description. Words fail to capture the complex anatomy of these beings,

  as they blended elements of humanoid figures, animals, parasites, plant

  life, and insects in a nonsensical yet functional manner. They were truly

  alien to our world. These creatures, the spawn of the Elder ones, seized

  the helpless humans, grappling them and dragging them into the abyss.

  They devoured and feasted upon anything within their reach, whether

  living or lifeless. Limbs and wings were torn asunder, a gruesome

  display of carnage.

  As the crowd scattered in panic and despair, some onlookers stood in

  awe, reveling in the chaos that had unfolded. I, however, remained

  rooted in place, witnessing the demise of my world. I surrendered to the

  inexorable grip of destiny, accepting it as a judgment day or the end

  itself.

  It may sound crazy, but there was a peculiar beauty to this somber

  ambiance. The eerie fever dream-like haze and the manifestation of the

  most terrifying entities that the imagination could conjure evoked a

  nostalgic connection to the innocence of childhood. It was as if this

  dimension I once believed in as a child had become a reality. Perhaps

  our dreams hold the power to shape our existence, but who's to say that

  it was our dreams alone that came to life? Who said that your desires

  could be fulfilled, little one?

  There was no escape from such a fate.

  "Okāsan!"

  "SHIZUKA, WAIT! I AM-"

  For some unknown reason, amidst this devouring chaos, I overheard the

  screams of a frightful child and its mother.

  A child had fallen down the cramped cliffs of what seemed to be the

  remains of a subway railway, barely suspended and about to shatter.

  The mother was trying to find her child among the panicked crowd by

  following the sound of her daughter's dreadful tears, but she was being

  pushed away by the marching stream. Even with such horror envisioned

  and renovated, she was yet determined to save her child at all costs.

  There was no possible way to go down the chasm without climbing up

  and down through the walls. The chances of saving were slim as survival

  chances in this apocalypse.

  What an unjust fate for an innocent child who had just recently been

  born, only to soon meet such a cruel end.

  It pained me to idly watch this somber scene. If she were to survive this

  unspeakable horror, at least let her be with her mother. If she were

  destined to die, let her die while burrowed in her mother's comforting

  arms.

  I can't just leave her like this...

  Unconsciously, I grinned down and clenched my teeth in anger. Finally

  flinging myself into action, I threw away my bag containing hundreds of

  pages related to a recent business agreement I worked hard on for weeks.

  Tossing them away to enact my final service to this world.

  I ran and slid down a muddy slope that led me to the remains of the

  railway, which were just seconds away from breaking down, rushing to

  the rescue of the helpless girl.

  "Don't worry. I will get you to your mother!" I said with complete

  confidence, entirely disregarding the hellish ordeal that was occurring.

  The girl seemed to have twisted her ankles, rendering her incapable of

  standing up. I assumed much from the moment I made the decision to

  save her.

  I proceeded to carry her up. "Just hold on tight with both of your arms

  around my neck, and I will get you out of here!" I said to her.

  As I lifted her onto my back, she crossed her arms around my neck and

  held each knee end with the opposite hand, restraining herself into a

  more rigid position.

  The hardest part was yet to come; climbing back up the soil slope was an

  arduous task. Fortunately, it had been a short ramp, making it a

  manageable challenge. Reminded of my weak physical state brought on

  by my chronic illness, I had to combat the disadvantage by attempting to

  summon what was left of my strength to climb back all the way to the

  top.

  However, this was easier said than done. I had almost tripped off as the

  railway was seconds from falling away as a result of the earthquake. The

  girl let out a fearful scream, and at that moment, I could only wonder

  what kind of dream she was trapped in. I wished I could say the same for

  myself.

  I got back on my feet again and carried on. It required taking a heavy

  breath followed by making the largest possible jump as I clutched the

  first hanging rock while bending my legs against the slope.

  Not a second had passed, and I could feel my whole body on the verge

  of crumbling down, the weakness I was born with detesting the thought of

  making even a single leap.

  Still, I couldn't have given up, not after making it this far. I needed to

  fight the pain; the least I could have done was to save the girl.

  I grinned as hard as I could, slowly ascending my body to a higher level,

  to the next rock which was a little to the right of where I was positioned.

  The girl was shaking in fear, which made it harder for me to resist the

  natural forces brought on by the slope.

  “Girl! it's just a dream! close your eyes!” I shouted as I told her. She

  calmed down only slightly.

  As I ascended to the next rock, I could hear the railway being shattered

  down, failing down to the chasm. The enigmatic Eldrich voices behind

  were growing louder. They were waiting for us fervently.

  The next rock was within sight distance, but it was impossible for me to

  reach. However, there was a gradual sliding car to my right with its left

  door completely gone alongside the glasses.

  I had a plan in mind. It was a suicidal one, but a plan nonetheless.

  “Hold on tight!” I warned the girl in case she was about to get loose.

  As the car was ramming down the incline just next to me. I lunged my

  body backward and then made a jump to the opened door; this deviated

  the car a little to its right.

  That said, I still managed to climb on its side reaching the car’s boot. Then I made a tremendous bounce

  towards the rock that I was unable to reach earlier, the sudden motion

  producing a fearful scream from the young girl.

  Despite succeeding, my right arm gave out as I held the rock on my left.

  The pain was ever-growing now.

  I shouted out of agony as I felt my wasted muscles and tendons being

  shattered down to nothingness.

  My foot was also dying out, causing me to lose almost all control over

  them.

  In addition to almost losing balance, there were no more pouched rocks

  to climb onto. I was only one a short distance away from the surface.

  The desperation was at its best. I felt as though the world was putting me

  to the ultimate test.

  I knew I needed to regain my balance; My left hand was incapable of

  holding on any longer. In a hopeful attempt, I pulled my right arm

  against the solitary rock.

  Taking another deep breath, I contracted what remains of my functional

  a muscle in my body and lunged upwards.

  This time, I shouted out loud and screamed in rage as I dug my right

  hand into the soil walls.

  The sheer force with which I grabbed onto the wall was strong enough to

  reshape it, creating a hole with

  my decaying hand that was now badly injured, the blood dripping down

  to my elbows.

  The pain was unfathomable. I was at my wit's end.

  My left hand was suspended on the former rock while my right was

  barely holding a grip against the

  muddy slope. Calling it a slope at this point felt completely dishonest; it

  was almost a perfectly vertical wall.

  I couldn’t see behind me, but I could feel the Eldrich beast reaching out

  closer. I looked to my side and noticed the appendages ascending

  slowly. Even with such speed. I knew too well they catch us eventually.

  My strength was waning, and I already could feel my consciousness

  fading away.

  I am a weak man in a weak fragile body, I have always been that.

  But still......

  “Hey, listen to me little one....” I desperately called out as i was panting.

  “I don’t know if this is the end or not, but I

  know your mother is waiting for you. Go to her, live your last moments

  before this nightmare ends.”

  “Si-sir…wha-“

  I interrupted the girl as I pulled her by her shirt collar...

  “It will all be over soon. Go to your mother and take a deep sleep until

  you escape this nightmare.”

  I had to give the girl a glimpse of remaining hope, even if it was false.

  Even if I had to lie to her, her final moment should be a peaceful one.

  “I bid you farewell young girl, may your end be a placid one.”

  “WAIT!”

  I ignored her calling and shouted one last time as I charged backward

  and threw her as vigorously as I could to the surface.

  She made it through.

  But just then, to my left, the earth shattered and began to shake once

  again. The vibration was so strong that it knocked me out of the wall.

  The last thing I recalled was falling down to my doom, to the abyss, to

  my end...

  For a moment, I looked at the girl who was staring at me while

  screaming for her savior to come back, to be on her side throughout this

  horrible phantasm. But quickly, she was pulled away by some unknown

  force. I only hoped she would be safe for now, away from the Eldritch

  ones who had been plotting to devour her poor innocent soul and the

  many who were about to become the next victims.

  I was falling down to wherever those creatures came from, to whatever

  the domain they sprawl from, and whoever summoned them...

  As I sank further into the darkness, I made no attempts to save myself.

  Instead, I simply accepted my fate, submitting to eternity.

  I could feel my consciousness hazing away in these last moments. As the

  swarm of appendages surrounded me and blocked my vision further, I

  closed my eyes one last time, entering into a deep sleep—a sleep that I

  had longed for so long, to be free from the shackles of reality.

  Death... My eternal slumber.

  Suddenly, I woke up and took a deep breath as I opened my eyes,

  looking up at the beautifully wild blue yonder with clean artistic clouds.

  I found myself sitting on the wooden front porch of a village house. It

  was still midnight. The town grew silent and dark, only the sound of

  crickets singing could be heard. There was almost no light besides the

  dazzling moonlight that sparkled through the roof.

  (I see... it was just a memory from the past. I am still here...)

  *

  From time to time, I managed to recall past events that occurred in my

  former world and people I met and knew at another time. I questioned

  what really happened to all of them.

  'Was it real? Or a dream all along?

  And if it was a dream, how long had I been slumbered?

  What happened to that world? Did it survive or fall to emptiness? I

  wonder if anyone survived. When I think about it, I begin to wonder if

  any soul would wish to live long enough to witness this postArmageddon world.

  Death would be a sweet release from that prison.

  Not to mention the questions that come to mind when one ponders death.

  Will you truly go to heaven or hell? Or reincarnate? Or worse yet,

  become one with the loathsome creatures of the unknown void.

  Why? Why do such creatures truly exist? And how many of them are

  there?

  Will the same awful curse be casted upon this world? Is that why I am

  here? To prevent this from happening? Or bring its downfall?

  I say it again, over and over and over.

  I don't know.

  I don't know.

  I don't know.

  Thousands of questions run through my mind in a perpetual cycle of

  mental torture and a never-ending feeling of anxiousness.

  Why me?

  Why me? The very person who wished death above all else, to be

  granted the gift of rebirth once again?

  And in this state?

  There must have been someone more fit for the role than I.

  "What's the point..." I muttered in abdication, surrendering to the natural

  forces that control these universes. Like a slave to his master.

  I was too mentally drained to even think of any possible answer.

  "Makas?! What are you doing so late this evening? It's cold, you know!"

  my mother exclaimed.

  My mother, a woman named Freia of Sutton Darwine, was a twenty-seven-year-old farmer who had married a man I later learned to be a

  knight of the church. He left the cursed child and his wife to defend his

  lands, which I am yet to become familiar with.

  "Sorry, Mother," I apologized, showing little remorse in my body'

  language and facial expression. Despite my lack of expression, she knew

  I was feeling down.'

  She got closer and sat right beside me on the staircase as we looked back

  at the beckoning stars. She leaned closer, resting her shoulder against

  mine and running her hand through my ashen hair.

  "I can tell when you are having nightmares, you know. I am fairly good

  at reading people," she chuckled.

  That was an undeniable fact. When it came to interpreting the emotions

  of others, my mother was very skilled.

  "But you don't have to worry yourself about it, Makas. A dream remains

  a dream, and you are living in the moment. It is neither the future nor the

  past, but the present that matters. And no matter how real the nightmares

  feel, you don't have to worry. Because just like your father, you are

  strong and smart. And I believe you will overcome everything ahead of

  you."

  Such strong and kind motivational words had the ability to move

  anyone, except me. I had no desire to live in the present with images of

  my previous tormenting experiences haunting my every waking

  moment. Stuck in a repetitive cycle of life and death. Pain and joy. Love

  and hatred. And for what? To what end? For what purpose? Nothing but

  a meaningless existence.

  "Look with me at the stars, Makas," my mother said cheerfully as she

  leaned closer. "Many people say that the stars and the moon are mere

  images and they are not real. But you know, I may not be a scholar, but I

  know they are real!"

  I looked back at my mother in contemplation. For a moment, I feared

  that she saw through me and understood everything.

  "How so..." I asked.

  "Well, an old tale was told about the Earth maiden, Selen of Ithil, who

  ruled upon the elves long ago," Mother smiled with contentment. "Since you

  are such a bookworm, I know you know the story by now."

  "Yes..." I nodded in confusion. "She cast a powerful spell that shattered

  the moon in half and destroyed a major fraction of the Red Army."

  "Afterward, she sacrificed herself to the so-called celestial moon in

  order to fix what she broke. But in return, she gifted the elves with the

  power of the moon..." My mother sighed after she finished the story,

  looking a bit saddened. But that only lasted for a second as she quickly

  smiled back.

  "Everyone thinks the story is tragic because Lady Selen of Ithil had to

  leave her home and her people behind to seek eternality through the

  moonlight. But as sad as it is, I think it's somehow beautiful."

  She continued to look at the moon with awe and amazement as if she

  were controlled by it.

  "I think, in a way, she was free. And she sought out the beyond. The

  moon, which looks like a small orb from here. She must have witnessed

  such a miracle to see the moon at such close proximity. And with it, she

  shared it with her people."

  She looked back at me with a joyful smile as she said, "Not only with

  her people, but with every one of us. She alone proved the moon is real,

  and we all became witnesses of such light..."

  She hugged me once more, this time closer, and said calmly, "Even

  dreams can be real. Sometimes it can be terrifying, but letting them

  consume you is even worse. In a way, you bring them to fruition out of

  fear. But if that's the logic, then if we dream of something more hopeful,

  it can come true."

  "..."

  "I have had many times where my nightmares came true. Losing your

  father was one such instance. But then, I dreamt that one day, I would

  have a beautiful child by my side. And so, it happened."

  "Mom... I..."

  "Shush, my little boy. For now, let Mommy take away your worries.

  Until you can dream with hope again."

  Dream and reality, mind and matter... is that really possible?

  How can I convince myself that, after everything that happened... how...

  just how?!

  If I told her what really happened... would she believe me?

  I suffered so much, but her warmth provided the comfort that I was

  desperately craving. Unknowingly, I was growing attached to her,

  something I had been trying to avoid.

  But how can I resist what is only natural? The attachment of an infant to

  their protector, their caretaker, their guardian.

  And how can I simply reject the warmth and love she offers? Having

  received so little in my former life, I yearned for a semblance of

  motherly affection.

  Therefore, there is nothing I can do but accept the warmth of my new

  mother.

  I had completely forgotten my former parents' names, as well as

  everyone I had known. The people I worked with, the people I went to

  school with, my own parents. Everyone I had ever met had become

  blank faces to me.

  The only one I remembered was that little girl and myself. And the only

  thing I was left with was the pain of that tragedy and the kindness of my

  new mother. Her affection eased my pain from time to time.

  But for how long? How long will this shield me from the intensity of

  these unbearable feelings? How long will I last in this world? How much

  longer until the nightmare returns, and in what form will it take this

  time?

  How long until I can erase the images of the past and accept my new

  reality?