“I’m telling you,” Hedes emphasized, “you'd be much happier if you tried a ninivore existence for another lifetime or two. You could—”

  “Please,” Simon, interrupted as he grasped onto this thin thread of hope.

  “Fine,” she said after a moment. She obviously didn’t appreciate being interrupted, and Simon cursed himself for doing it. He wasn’t trying to be rude exactly - other people just didn’t uand how important the things he was trying to say were sometimes. “If you’ve doerrible things in your previous life and you o improve your karma you might o spend a life or two as someone born in a terrible pce or with an awful disease. War orphans. Children in times of pgue or famihat sort of thing. It’s not something you’d be from though, Simon. You’ll just have to trust me.”

  “What about the other one? Punishment inations? What are they?” He agreed that the idea of being an orphan with the pgue didn’t sound like a very good life, but if he could do it in a fantasy world then there was always a ce he could find a healer or something to reach his goal.

  “Those are false lifetimes. They’re less of life than they are a test or challehere are many different kinds, but they all have ohing in on: to test you, and if you pass then you find a life that might be better suited to you.” She expined. “In some you fight inhuman oppos, and in others you endure unendurable hardship or achieve mythic goals. I’m not sure you’d do well with them.” Simon was sure though. This is exactly what he needed. How many lifetimes as a dumb grazing animal had he endured just because this bitch hadn’t told him that he could just do what he’d been practig for all his life: py a fighting game.

  “I respect your opinion ohings, Hedes,” Simon lied, “You are a goddess after all. But this sounds like exactly what I’ve been looking for all the same. Perhaps you could tell me more about them anyway? Even if I decide that being a Koa is the right path I’d like to know all my choices.”

  “Very well,” she answered, leaning forward, and reag for another book that flew to her from a different shelf. “In the siege of Ahon you hold back the demon armies for as long as possible, but if you let the city fall then you’re dragged into the depths of hell for a decade before yain. In—”

  “Wait, hell is a real pce?” Simon blurted out. Any game where a loss resulted in ending up in hell was right out. “Like - I could end up there?”

  The goddess sighed. “Of course it’s a real pce. Heaven is too. They’re not quite the pce yions teach you that they are, but both are different endings for souls that no longer o repeat the endless cycle of life ah.”

  Simon opened his mouth to ask another question, but shut it when Hedes said, “But if you keep interrupting me we’ll never get through the list you asked for.”

  When Simon stayed silent for a moment she tinued. “The path is an ination where you must run to warn your nation of an impending attack - to succeed you’ll have to run until your heart gives out and the soles of your feet are raw from the paving stones. If you fail you have to keep running for a year and a day, even after you perish.” Just the idea of that one sounded exhausting. Simon had no illusions about his fitness. He couldn’t run more than a block before he was winded.

  “In the forests of Kensai you o hunt for—”

  “Excuse me,” Simon said, butting in. Listening to her talk about all these options he’d never pick was b, and he’d rather just cut to the chase. “Rather than going through the whole list maybe you could tell me if there's ohat’s like a dungeon… like in ‘The Darkening Deeps,’ or ‘Sword of Glory 1 and 2?’ Something where I kill monsters and level up as I go deeper and all that?”

  The goddess pondered for a sed, flipping through several pages before she stopped. “Yes - there is something like what you describe, but I should warn you the pit is one of the most terrible punishment inations I have to offer, it’s not for the faint of heart.”

  “Tell me about it,” Simon demanded, followed up only betedly with a “please,” as he saw Hedes’ expression start to sour.

  “It’s exactly what I described. It's a pit of horrors, and each level is worse tha. You must defeat all of them if you ever want to leave though,” she said. Her tone was sober and serious, but Simon couldn’t help but get excited by the prospebsp;

  “So what happens if I die or lose or whatever,” Simon asked. All the other inations she’d mentioned had punishments, so this one had to have oht?

  “If you die you have to do it again. Over and ain until you finish the test.” she answered. “It’s a reality knot. The only way out is to plete the test whiravels it and—”

  “So it's just a roguelike then - if I die I respawn? How many levels are there exactly anyway?” Simon talked over her. “And when I plete it I have whatever life I wish? I’ll do it.”

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  “Simon - I’ve seen you after a hundred different lives - I don’t think this is a choice that you should make so lightly.” Her annoyance was definitely showing now, but so was her . Simon didn’t care though - both traits only increased his annoyanbsp;

  “As long as it has skills and levels I’ll be fine,” he said, “Oh - and magic - I need magic food build if I’m going to be able to clear it in a reasonable amount of time. Melee builds take forever.”

  “This pit is less than a hundred floors and has all those things. It has levels and requires many skills and spells to quer, but you o sider the toll that dying so often take on your psyche and—” the goddess warned him, but listening to her was exactly how he ended up as a beaver or a rabbit or whatever before. That was something he was never going to do again. He’d found a back door to being the hero he’d always wao be, and he was going to take it.

  “I said I’d do it,” he interrupted, “Look, I appreciate your but I don’t think you really uand how ready I am for this, so just tell me where to go and what to do. The ination you offer me might be a punishment for most, but it’s a gift to me - you uand? I’ve trained my whole life for this.” Simon was disappointed. You’d think a goddess who knew everything would have presehis option to him first thing to save them both some time, but she clearly didn’t know anything. She didn’t even uand he robably going to clear the whole thing ihan five tries. He had to py games on nightmare mode these days just to get a little challenge.

  “Alright,” She said, his dossier, or whatever it was that told him all the details of his life, floated over to him along with a pen. “Just sign that and the killing ence.” Simon ghrough the tract he was signing and everything looked good. Levels. Monsters. Defeat. Reination. It was exactly what she’d said, aarted signing it before she even fialking. It was only whe go of the pen though that he noticed the ink was dark red and his fingers were bleeding from where he held it. He wao object to that part, but the book was already sailing back to a shelf while an orb of white light floated out to him.

  “Follow this wisp and it will take you to the pit,” Hedes smiled brightly, “I’ll look forward to our enter, and I hope you enjoy the pit as much as you think you will.”

  “Thanks,” Simon said, put on the spot by her smile. Pretty girls were a problem for him, and in lieu of anything clever to say for once he made a shalloard bow before following the wisp out of the rotunda by a different route than he came in from. As he left the huge room he could see that another person - a dark haired girl - was already climbing the steps for their moment with the goddess of life ah. He was sure that a pretty girl like her would get a much better series of options though. They always seemed to get their way, he thought bitterly as he left the room. For o didn’t matter what anyone else got though. Why should it matter what happeo anyone else when he was finally getting his wish. He was going to be in a real life video game. Instead of sitting in a chair and fighting demons with a ggy e he could finally unlock his real skills with steel and show everyone how much they uimated him.

  The path to get where he was going took forever though, apparently. Slowly they went from a rge corridor to a series of smaller ones, before finally reag a spiral staircase that took him to peared to be catabs. They were more than a little spooky, but the light of the wisp kept the shadows at bay as they made their way to their destination. Simon was resolved not to be afraid of a little darkness. Soon there would be things in the dark worth being afraid of, he was sure, but he would teach them to be afraid of him instead. That certainty didn’t waver very mutil they finally reached their goal: an old wooden door that had seeer days with a carved wooden sign on it that said “The Pit.”

  Simon stood there a minute, not so much afraid to open the door, as mentally preparing for whatever might happen when he did. With a name like ‘The Pit,’ there could be anything behind this door - from a tomb dripping with blood to a cave full of orcs. When he finally ope though, all he found was a small in the woods somewhere. Ohe door en the wisp floated in until it reached the full length mirror hanging on one wall, and then it disappeared i. The mirror lit up with text briefly like a blue phosphor s. ‘Please let me know if you need anything,’ the mirror read, before fading to reflect the world around it as a mirror should. Simon stepped inside, gazing around the room. The more he looked the broader his stupid smile got, aually he had to pinch himself. He couldn’t believe he’d finally found his own personal heaven. He could live in a quiet far away from all the annoying people in his life, and he could go into a dungeon and sy monsters anytime he wanted? He wasn’t sure a better life was even possible.

  The door behind Simon slowly creaked shut, and he remembered that was the only way out, so he reached for it, but he was too slow. It closed with a thud, and by the time he reope, it no longer went back to the catabs he’d e through to get here. Instead it led to the grassy meadow that separated his from the picturesque forest of pine and spruce beyond. He supposed that tactically he should have kept that door open a while longer while he checked to make sure that this wasn’t a trap or something, but in truth he never wao visit that creepy goddess’ pace ever again if he didn’t have to. She might be lovely, but she really didn’t have a clue what was going on with the lives she pyed with. Hoeople like him had had their whole lives ruined because she made bad reendations about how they should reinate?

  She didn’t matter anymore, he decided seds ter. He’d gottehing he ever wanted, so she could go back to telling people to bee panda bears and he could focus oask at hand. Simon looked around the room taking iory of the ons and armor he had, and trying to decide his steps. Simon opened all the cupboards and drawers, pleased to find enough food for a meal or two along with everything a neophyte adventure might o get started. He picked up the wedge of white cheese and took a bite - it wasn’t quite as good as doritos, but it would be a nice ge of patil he got out of here, he decided. He picked up a long sword from where it was leaning against a wall. This was going to be great, and he couldn’t wait to get started.