Route 078

  I was driving home, there was a bit of rain and I had my radio on low.

  My girlfriend kicked me out after a fight, she was yelling at me due to something...

  I wasn't paying attention.

  It was a new moon tonight somewhere behind the clouds and no one else was on the roads. it was too late for anyone sane to be out

  It was my fault I know it was, I'm not that bad I don't think

  Just i don't understand how to stop

  I know that's a me issue…

  I really should just go to therapy like she keeps bugging me to do

  I don't think I can handle losing her. She makes me so happy… yet when the day unwinds and we are just quietly living

  I just can't be what she deserves it feels like I lose control and cause so many different issues

  She did right in kicking me out i don't deserve her at all

  I don't deserve anything I have…

  The rain was starting to pick up going from a drizzle to a little worse

  My radio was playing some Lofi song or something at the lowest volume

  It was a nice night for something like this

  I pull off into some random parking lot and park the lot’s lights are off and I turn off the headlights

  It was a beautiful night despite the rain you could still see some of the night sky

  And all the lights get turned off at night so I was able to see some stars

  I wish she were here with me

  She would love this dark and peaceful night not bitingly cold but still cool

  I just sit there

  The rain falling

  The radio playing some piano melody in the background

  And I just think

  She is truly the best thing to happen to me

  She helped me when I needed it

  Helping me out of an abusive relationship

  Helping me find a job

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  Listening to me rant about my favorite movies

  Making me feel loved

  Until I couldn't contain it and I had to ask her out

  I was so scared. She is beautiful, loving, and kind

  Hell I didn't even know if she was queer

  Yet I asked and she said yes

  She decided to take me on a date right there and then

  And we were perfect for a while

  Then I started to...

  Be like I am again

  I never hit her or anything but that doesn't mean I was what she deserved

  At first, I just made little comments that I didn't even notice

  She was so perfect yet I didn’t know how to treat her right

  She is an amazing cook... yet I've never put in the effort to cook for her

  Whenever we had to plan a date she had to bring it up

  I do not deserve her at all

  The rain started to quiet down again

  As the clouds passed the moon the night sky was almost as beautiful as she is to me

  Why can't I be good for her

  I know it can never happen

  I can never be good enough for a girl like her

  Im broken

  Abandoned and…

  I'm scared

  I don't even know what I'm scared of

  I don't even know why I parked i should have just kept driving back home

  I turn the headlights back on and start to pull out back on the road

  The quiet music

  The traffic lights stop me as I leave her town and make my way back to my shit-poor town

  My town used to be a coal mining town and now it is just a few rundown buildings and a cheap apartment

  I should at least say sorry to her

  I should've at least done that for her even if I did not mean it yet

  But it is too late now

  She said she doesn't want to talk to me

  Whats what she said when she kicked me out

  Not to call text or do anything before she does

  I don’t want to lose her

  But I never deserved her

  As I pull into my apartment parking I just shut the car down and sit

  The radio still playing quietly

  The rain was still calmly falling

  And I'm still not worth it

  I'm not worth anything

  Not the job I only got due to her sticking her neck out for me

  Not the apartment I only got due to her help

  Not the car she spent a month helping me fix because she wanted to

  Not the name she helped me pick

  She is my first true love

  The first woman I had the strength to ask

  The first to help me when my ex-boyfriend hit me

  The first to care about me

  She is my everything

  And I’m nothing

  Nothing but someone hurting her in all the worst ways

  I betray her trust I don't do enough and it's not fair

  I take the keys out of the ignition of my car and start to make my way into my apartment

  The door unlocks with a click and I head inside locking the door as I go and lie down on the couch

  For the first time since I left my girlfriends, I grab my phone

  I know I got at least 2 texts and

  Now I'm scared to look at what they were

  I just lay there for a while

  The rain hitting my balcony window

  I open my phone

  And I truly don't deserve her

  I wish she would just get ride of me like the trash I am

  Yet she texted me this

  “I'm sorry I kicked you out”

  “It's just hard when you shut down like that i know we talked about it a bit before... just when you get home text me”

  "I love you"

  At that, I finally started to cry

  My emotions finally hit me

  Not the numb emptiness I was feeling but the full weight of what I put her through

  “I'm home safe…

  I'm sorry for everything”

  With that, I close my phone

  I lay there for what felt like hours the rain got worse again

  Now a downpour

  But I'm not driving anymore