Depression? Hate? Sympathy? In the end nothing matters

  Confidence is all I need, it doesn’t even need to be real. I’m just here by faking it

  I’ve gone through things never realizing my potential but in the end I’m still here, what makes me too late nothing but myself

  And how can I overcome myself it feels impossible

  Some will say if you just try hard enough you can do it but is that really true

  Can you overcome your self imposed limits through trial

  Is it possible to overcome your self imposed limiters

  Why would I ever bring down myself the way I am

  What would loosen you up letting loose? What is letting loose is that even what your looking for

  There must be a balance between conforming to society and letting loose but what does this have to do with ones limitations

  What are self imposed limitations

  I know I can do it if I try but I struggle to try even saying this itself brings me down like an anchor of a ship slowly falling which I wish to stop before it sinks in

  I can drag around my anchor but theres only so far I’ll ever be able to go if I don’t lift it up

  What can I do to lift it up

  Well

  Thats easy

  Is it?

  Try?

  This feels like it’ll just go in circles

  But trying is the start

  No.

  Starting is the start

  Anyone can say try

  You can ‘try’ but not do anything

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  To really accomplish anything you must start. You must start and persevere despite what happens

  I once read that leadership is the utter disdain towards whatever gets in your way

  Is that right?

  No leadership doesn’t quite fit that term, it’s more in line with following through on something but not quite. Neither is it ruthlessness you can find a balance between disdain for what gets in your way and destructive tendencies.

  Why would I destroy someone when I can help them to help me?

  Why can I write all of this but I’m unable to change anything

  The steps to change in the end is what this all amounts to, is that right?

  Nobody is perfect

  But believing yourself to be perfect are the steps to perfection

  Hating when I’m not instead of acting like the world revolves around me

  Improving the aspects that I am not perfect in

  So much potential that seems like it will just be wasted as time goes

  I’m close to a breakthrough it feels like but I can’t quite grasp what I’m looking for

  Effort

  That’s what I need

  Just try

  And try

  And try

  And try

  Until i cant anymore

  Until it hurts to breathe

  Until i cant walk

  Until my arms fall off

  Until my heart stops

  I’m not unable to change anything

  I just don’t

  So why don’t I start

  Theres no excuses

  Just start

  I’m glad to be taking the first steps

  But im only doing so in some directions

  If I truly want to change I must look to take the steps in other directions

  Why did I say truly want to

  That doesn’t make sense

  Everyone ‘truly wants to change’

  Going back to an earlier topic, conforming to society or letting loose

  Someone I know let loose they give free reign to impulse

  It’s so interesting

  Like it’s just incredibly interesting

  Whenever I think of ____ I can’t help but return to Alter Ego, how could it be so absolutely accurate

  Foreshadowing in real life and I’m sure there are so many other instances I can find

  I wonder if anything would have changed if I had made different choices

  This is not regret

  It’s simple curiosity

  I acted the best I could given the circumstances and I would act the same way in another world I do not regret any of my decisions. But I can’t help but wonder if the world is just like this. It’s as simple as a clicker game

  It’s so funny

  Let’s look at it again

  Alter Ego had 3 paths

  I.D

  Super Ego

  And Alter Ego

  I.D was giving free reign to impulse, rejecting everything else and living the way you want.

  Super Ego was conforming to society living trapped in the box known as societal expectations

  Alter Ego which was only unlockable once you discovered both endings seemed to be a bit more ambiguous taking a route in the middle of both paths

  For me its so hard to break through societies expectations isn’t that right?

  I.D seems impossible to me

  Breaking through expectations

  Living as I wish

  Super Ego is the current route I’m on, I originally thought of I.D and Super Ego as two extremes i want to say I was wrong to think so but it seems I was right

  Being trapped by societal expectations isn’t the right answer to this.

  I wonder though

  What is Alter Ego

  It’s a path somewhere in the middle never truly discovered

  I guess it’s the balance

  Finding that balance seems incredibly hard but once I do then what

  Is it only possible to find that balance by going through both routes, I’ve been on the Super Ego route... Have I?

  It’s weird

  I haven’t actively been on any routes

  Societys tool or Egoist

  Egoist isn’t quite the right word.

  Individual I suppose.

  Ive never quite fallen into either category

  I’m in the blank space between Individual and Society on neither path but not on my own either

  Somewhere between Super Ego and Alter Ego the grey space between on neither path struggling to grab onto either.

  Though why is it so hard for me to break through living how I want

  As long as I don’t confuse societies expectations with mine

  It feels like so much to just actively try to pursue a dream

  To tell people I’m serious about doing something and then being unable to do something feels like it would be the ultimate disappointment for me so I don’t try and instead comfort myself by saying I know if I had tried I would have been able to do it.

  I suppose this is a fear of failure

  Sometimes I wake up and feel nothing at all the world doesn’t feel as grey as normal yet their is still a fog in my mind clouding me

  We're does this stem from

  It feels like a barrier between me and the world being able to process everything partially never truly paying attention to anything

  It’s weird I do’t always feel it but when I do it's suffocating

  Reminds me of when I listen to music I can hear the surrounding noise but I’m not really taking anything in

  But this feels different like I’m half asleep

  This one doesn’t really fall under the realm of depression

  Just apathy