I go to the table, the table where the important things are discussed. I light a cigarette. I put the back of the chair against the wall. I sit down. I put my feet under my hips and sit cross-legged. I lean my head back and take a deep drag from the cigarette. I haven't done this in years. I bought this pack when my father decided to marry me. No, no. Not the day I was born, of course. The day I made the plan to come here. I thought I might need it. I think about how many days it's been since I've called my father. I check my last calls on the phone, it's been over a week. He hasn't called either. He knows I'll be back very soon. He must be counting on that. He doesn't think he'll understand anything about school anyway, so our conversations last for a minute or so. Then he asks me if I talked to my fiancé. I tell him I have. I wonder how Ahmet answers these questions. Because our first and last conversation was the night we got engaged. I look up his number in the phone book. I wonder what time it is in Ankara. I look at his WhatsApp profile, the last time he was seen was five minutes ago. So I can reach him if he calls. What would I call him and say? I guess I'm angry at him too. I call him. He answers instantly.

  “Meryem, hi, what time is it there?” her voice sounds a bit confused. There are voices in the background indicating that he's outside.

  “Forget about the time. After all, I'm awake and I called you.” I take another deep drag from the cigarette.

  “You're right.” silence.

  I laugh. “You want to ask why I called. Ask me.”

  The silence breaks, “Meryem, are you okay?”

  There's a voice behind him, a woman's voice. “Meryem? How is that woman calling you?”

  “I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called.”

  “No, don't hang up. What's wrong with you?”

  “It's just...” I take a deep breath. “Neither of us wants this marriage, but I feel like I'm carrying the burden. I came all the way here just to make sure it doesn't happen. And now time is so short...” I take a deep breath again and it is accompanied by a sob. Tears roll down my cheeks. “I feel like, I feel like I'm drowning. I can't share this with anyone, you know? You're the only one with the same fate as me and you feel like...”

  “It's like I'm not making the effort you're making, right?”

  I sniffle, “Yeah.”

  “You're right. I'm relieved that you walked away. We should have sat down and talked about what to do and how to do it, but you were so sure of what you were doing that I didn't dare interfere.”

  A hysterical laugh escapes me. “I'm always like that. Keep that in mind if we have to get married eventually. I'm a go-getter, I always seem to have a plan, but I can get lost too.

  Just like now.”

  He laughs. “Okay, if we eventually get married, I'll try to help you in spite of you. I'm sorry I didn't call you sooner. But I have a relationship here.

  It's something that's been going on for years. It's not an excuse, I know we should have talked about it. Is there anything I can do for you?”

  Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

  “I wish there was something you could do. Thank you, though. Please tell your girlfriend I'm sorry. I won't call like that again.”

  I hang up the phone. Really, there's nothing he can do either. But at least he can have a relationship without being affected by this ridiculous incident. I light a second cigarette. The first puff makes me nauseous. I put the cigarette in the ashtray, or rather in a cardboard cup that I use as an ashtray, since there is no ashtray in this house. I pull my knees to my stomach, bury my head in my knees and sob.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  Ezra comes out of his room.

  I don't look up. “”What do you think?“”

  I can tell by the disgusting, ear-splitting sound that he's sliding the other chair towards me. “Okay, you're not okay, I get it. Is this a good time for me to be a clown?”

  “Ugh, what do you think?”

  “I'm sorry. Can you lift your head up so I know what to say?”

  I look up. “I don't need your fake pity, Ezra.”

  His face tightens.“If being hard on me makes it better, go ahead.”

  I feel like a stupid child, embarrassed by this anger that has nothing to do with him, so I just shut up.

  He takes half a cigarette from the glass.“You shouldn't waste this stuff.”He places the cigarette between his lips.He tilts his head towards me.I light the cigarette. He squints his eyes and takes a drag.His hair falling in his face in a stupor, his jaw tensing as he inhales the cigarette, his lips... God, what have I done to myself?I fell in love with you, Ezra, and it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me... I mean, the second worst thing.“Were you just on the phone?” he asks, blowing cigarette smoke to his right.

  “Yeah, I was talking to my fiancé.”He looks into my eyes as if waiting for me to continue. “It was the first time I ever really spoke to him.”

  He raises his eyebrows, “I wish I could understand your language, I'm sure it was an interesting conversation.”I roll my eyes, “So the clown is here.”He puts out the cigarette.He puts his hand on my cheek.“Mary, I just want you to laugh. Your life may not have promised you that. And I can't promise to make you laugh all the time.But laughter suits you so well that I want you to laugh forever.”

  I surrender myself to his hand on my cheek, I lean my head on his hand, I close my eyes. My face has an expression between crying and laughing and it's not a mask. It's like a summary of my life.I wish you were closer to me, Ezra.

  “I apologize for the evening.It was not my intention to interfere in your private life.I instantly regretted what I said to you in the bar. I wanted to come after you. When I saw you walking behind you with that man, I thought he was following you, so I came after you. But I realized you left the door open for him from the corner of the stairs. I hesitated between going in or not. And finally I barged in. I shouldn't have.”

  I open my eyes and he tilts his head towards me, looking at me with a soft expression in his eyes.“I'm glad you walked in. I'm glad my first time wasn't like that.”

  As soon as the words leave my mouth, I regret them. Embarrassed, I rest my head back on my knees, which I pull to my stomach. “Please let's not talk about it.”

  He grabs my knee and pulls me down.He pulls his chair closer to mine.“I don't think we should talk at all.”

  I look up and we lock eyes.Our faces are like two fingers apart.He touches his nose to mine.He pretends to sniff the distance between my nose and my lips.I swallow. He whispers, “I miss these lips I've never kissed, Meryem.”

  “Oh,” I part my lips slightly. It's such a soft kiss.It contains many emotions.He pulls his head back and examines my face.I smile to let him know I approve “I thought our first kiss would be the moment you asked me to marry you at the bar.”

  “Oh, so you wrote a first kiss for both of us?”

  He stands up.He passes one hand under my knees.Before I can ask what he's doing, he lifts me up.I don't say a word as we walk to my room. I rest my head on his neck and pray that this moment will never end.

  He puts me on the bed.He climbs on top of me, whispers in my ear as if he is about to say something romantic.“If someone walked in right now, would you say, ‘I'm grateful that my first time wasn't with this clown’?”

  He looks at my face as if he's really curious about my answer.I laugh.“Oh, my God.

  I really love your smile.”

  He kisses my lips again. He sits up, takes off his shirt. I slide my hands down his chest, I put my hands on the spot where I took them before. He takes my clumsy hands and fixes them on either side of my head. I think I'm going to melt the moment he kisses my neck. I help him take off my top. He moves down my chest with a longing, as if there was a road and he had waited too long to cross it. When he gets close to my pajamas, he stops and looks down into my eyes. I give him approval with my eyes. He pulls down my pajamas. When he sees I have no underwear on, he whispers, “Oh my god.”

  Goosebumps run down my spine. Every stroke of his lips and tongue blows my mind. He realizes I'm stifling my moans. “Don't hold back, I need to hear this.”

  “Oh, Ezra...”

  He keeps doing what he's doing, with more appetite. When my moans reach a crescendo, he pulls down his pants. More ecstatic, he climbs on top of me. He prepares me for him, leaving his marks all over my body. When I finally feel I'm ready, I wrap my legs around his waist and he presses himself into me, moaning into my ear. “Oh, God.” My body tenses like a spring. After minutes of him moving inside me, I feel the warmth of the fluids running down my legs.