I... guess I hadn't even realized that it's been six months. Time hasn't exactly been flowing by quickly, but it still seems like it shouldn't have been that long. This post is going to be very honest, and very behind-the-curtain, but I don't know what to say about it all, really.

  I am... not doing great.

  I moved halfway across the country and still don't have a decent job. I moved in with family but still feel mostly alone. I've been trying to pick my writing back up but it feels wrong. I was able to write a chapter or two for TPC/TAS, but it just made it feel more wrong. I'm starting to think that, because of things I did earlier in the story (TAS) that I don't necessarily like... I may not be able to just snap back into place with this even if I want to.

  My writing style has always been very exploratory, and I've done a lot of writing for all of my stories that was entirely improv, and that comes with making mistakes. I've had to rewrite things before, and at least two of my previous stories are stuck in place because I ended up in a place I don't like with them. Order & Lost is waiting on me to probably back off a few chapters and rewrite them, and with Tower of Stone and Sky I realized that I don't actually want to write a story about literally building stuff. Apparently I didn't learn that lesson, because the sequels to SFD and GoE both have building components that I don't feel ready for.

  I have always enjoyed the art of storytelling. When I'm alone, I daydream, crafting stories for myself alone that cross and span worlds, genres, universes. But those daydreams don't have the problem of canon. If I want to ignore weeks of canon and do something differently, I can. If I want to make something cool, the only person I need to convince of its coolness is me. I don't have to try to describe it to anyone, I just have to have the concept in mind. If... you have any understanding of where Tower was when I stopped it, I was just about to start literally building a tower of stone and sky, and I realized that I just am no good at describing things.

  For this story... it's a combination of things.

  At the time I started to have Sobon doing background things with the Founder, I knew I was probably overstepping, but now I feel certain that I don't want that to dictate the pacing of the rest of the story, and the way it's going, it has to. Especially the part with the, like, multiple tournaments to distribute multiple artifacts... I don't hate the artifacts themselves, really, but Ki'el's story was always calling for something far more slice-of-life. Distinct from Sobon's story, she was supposed to cultivate the "right" way, slowly--or at least, not at Sobon's blistering pace. She would explore all of the systems that Sobon was skipping. That plan was shot in the foot by Sobon and the Founder. Not even specifically by the civil war--but by Sobon making Ki'el special enough to draw their attention. At that point, either Ki'el is forced into a "Young master" role and speedruns sect life, or she flees it. The decision to take the second option feels enough like her that I don't argue it, but it definitely makes the whole rest of the story very different. And I still am not entirely sure, myself, whether the tournaments are even going to work the way Sobon and the Founder suggest they should, because of... well, everything.

  Stolen story; please report.

  In truth... I could probably still work with it. I don't like it, but I probably could.

  The chapters I have written are essentially Ki'el and the rest exploring the local options and finding one that works. I don't dislike the place I have them settling, but it all seems so small. With the civil war in the background, with Sobon tied up doing things, with Ki'el feeling so far behind... I don't like it. I could probably work with it, but again... my style has always been very instinctual. Writing something I don't like is hard.

  Meanwhile, I'm not even sure in my day to day life that I can put as much time and effort into writing as I should, if I want to produce something of good quality. I've tried. I've sat down and tried to convince myself that it was writing time, and I start on something and get a little into it and then just lose track, lose focus, lose heart. I'm depressed, miserable, doubting myself every step of the way, not only in writing but in everything else. I'm in one of those nasty places in my life where I'm more likely to just run away, and that sucks. It's also not like I have a writing partner or anyone to keep checking in on me and keep me focused when I can't do it myself.

  It feels like the "right option" for TAS is to either rewrite a lot of things, or at least, change some of the background Sobon canon and then back off to the point where Ki'el was forced to flee and instead continue the Sect arc. But I'm not sure of that, either. One thing's for sure--the story feels too confused, not in the sense of "the world is confused and you're just a person living in it" but in the sense of "the author promised us this was going somewhere and I don't see it." Again--I have always "written" stories for myself, and so, I'm absolutely one of my own readers. It's one of those things that can be hard to admit to myself, that I'm writing a story I don't want to read, but... I think that's kind of where I am right now? At the very least, I'm not sure I could write what comes next, and I definitely feel like it would benefit from some rewrites.

  For all of that... I can't promise anything. I'm sorry. I don't know what my situation is or will be. I'm hoping to get on depression meds someday soon, but that's harder when unemployed, and when I am employed, I'll have less time. Believe me, I want to be writing. I'm not myself when I don't write. I began to realize that after I first started posting on the site, and it feels more true every time I take time off from writing. Storytelling is in my blood, but something about what I've done makes it all hard for me to do, especially alone. And... I dunno. I don't have any local people--here or where I used to live--or even any online friends that I can talk about writing with, talk about my stories with. I'd much rather be back in a place where I'm just throwing chapters down every few days, but I don't know how to get back to that when I'm as depressed as I am, as confused as I am, as lost as I am.

  I'm going to try to make sure that the story doesn't just get dropped here. I don't think that the story itself has done anything to deserve to be dropped. But right now I can't do anything, and having taken a step back... I do think that the first step here might be backing up a bit. I... I just don't know.

  Sorry that I took six months to get back to you at all. I've had a couple chapters, as I said, but I don't want to start posting again until I have reason to think I'll be back for real. The other side of that is, if I do start posting again--whether it's continuing from here, rewriting, or working on something else--it will be a commitment to continue. I hope that will happen, and sooner rather than later.

  To all of you who have read and enjoyed The Power Cycle and The Aether Sword, thank you... and, I'm sorry.