We think of time as a linear concept, but these days I would swear it was not. Hours turned into days and days turned into weeks into months. We never consciously made the decision to stay, we just never made the decision to leave, causing us to indirectly choose to stay. The first days we roamed around, still a little lost. Then Rhian noticed that one of our crew members was a very good cook and asked him if he wanted to work in one of the town’s kitchens. Haven been given such a warm welcome, he could not refuse. One by one we are being engulfed by the system. Cap works at the town’s office of interplanetary affairs, where he is highly needed, as the amount of space immigrants is rapidly increasing. Our crew does not seem to be the only one searching for a home. Second works as a mechanic, fixing the town’s small supply of cars. First works as a more general consultant. I work in Nyth’s garden, where I help to set up a system to use biowaste as fuel for the town’s heating system. Though Hiraeth’s population remains small, I know how fast that can change and how scarce natural resources can turn out to be.

  Others in the garden are friendly people. Many are not native to the planet, but have immigrated over the years. One notices the differences immediately. The best way I know to describe it is that those who were born on this planet tend to be smooth and soft, whereas the newcomers have a bit more bumps to them. The immigrants tend to love working in the garden, maybe because they love seeing life be created instead of destroyed. The first time they talk to someone they speak in a pleasant way, hobnobbing about the weather or nature. Surface-level. But once one asks them a question that really concerns them, a switch turns on. Sometimes it is hard to notice how deep of a mine I dive into when I ask these people a question. One moment I could be talking about the new neighbors and the next old wounds are shared or deep guilts or lifetimes of nostalgia. Sometimes it overwhelms me, but I like how it gives a bit of weight to my day. And as long as they talk, I can listen.

  But still something gnaws at the edge of my consciousness and it becomes bigger and louder with every moment. I try to ignore it, act as if it is speaking another language I cannot understand, but I know what it says. You do not belong here. You have to leave. It battles for attention with the other voices in my head and it is defeated by another every time. What if you never find a place like this again? A few members of our crew already signed up for housing in Nyth and I know that one day I would have to make a final decision about whether or not I will join them. I almost wish someone can make that decision for me. For now I push the matter to the attic of my mind.

  Together with Cap, First, Second and Arwain, I will visit Deml, more commonly known among the community as BF. BF is a four thousand square feet, extravagant temple. It’s covered in small pieces of glass and crystal placed in a scale pattern, hence the nickname BF, Big Fish. The building was an initiative by a few of Hiraeth’s natives and newcomers to give the planet a more rich culture. Because it is a newly inhabited planet, there are no monuments or religious spaces, which a few of the elders commented on as being ‘a severe loss of human heritage’. As Rhian told me, BF was built as a sort of religious space, not so much a sanctum to worship any specific gods, but where a more general spiritual air prevails. Besides forming a pinnacle of human heritage, it was built to create a feeling of community. Establish a sense of nationalism, or planetism in this case. Who knows whether the initiative will succeed in their efforts to bring people together. Earth’s history shows that any attempts to forcefully create solidarity among people are often met with resistance.

  However, small groups of people already gather around BF. We make our way through the gigantic, wooden doors into a still soberly decorated interior. Not as many visitors have made it into the sanctuary. Maybe the people outside are too engrossed in its shiny exterior to see what its inner sanctum looks like. Poor BF.

  I am surprised to see how much of the temple is inspired by the churches and other sanctuaries I know. The roof of the building is held up by grand arches. The floor is filled with small seating areas, soft cushions in Hiraeth’s characteristic pastel colors. Between the cushions a path leads to the front of BF, where a large altar is placed under a round window. Placed on the altar is a statue of two pilgrims shaking hands with the remark: ‘United we stand, divided we fall.’ I guess it does get the point across.

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  A box of candles is located at the bottom of the altar. I take one of the candles to light and put it next to the other candles, in remembrance of an old home. Cap and Arwain burn a candle as well. I know Arwain’s thought behind the gesture, but I wonder what Cap is thinking. His brows are furrowed and he scratches his chin as he stares in the distance.

  But before I can even think about asking him about his thoughts, Second, screams from the back room of the temple: ‘Wow, who is this?’ The sound echoes back and forth, which makes a few people glance at us with an irritated look. Cap slaps his forehead and I shake my head.

  Arwain just grins and makes his way over to Second. From the distance, I hear Arwain explain: ‘That is a painting of the Great Founder.’

  ‘Aha,’ Second says, ‘so they placed it here to commemorate her.’

  ‘Moreso to thank her efforts in the discovery of this planet and the work she still puts in this community till this day.’

  The hair on the back of my neck prickles when I hear that statement. ‘Wait, you mean she is still alive? Did she not discover this planet centuries ago?’

  ‘Yes, the Founder is immortal.’

  Cap is notably shocked and First has gone quiet as well. Unless somewhere at the other edge of the universe, people found a cure against aging as well, there are only so many immortals roaming around in space. I make my way over to the back room.

  And that’s when I get to see a seven feet long painting of your face. Besides small smiling lines, it’s mostly wrinkle-free. Your smile still as bright as I remember, maybe even brighter. Golden blonde hair framing your oh so perfect face.

  ‘Excuse me.’, I mumble quickly as I run out of the door. Just in time I reach a garbage bin. I throw up until my stomach is empty. It takes me a few minutes to stop gagging. I don’t know if it’s the spit dripping from my face, the stench of the mixture of garbage and vomit or the weakness in my limbs, but I feel vile. After I wipe my mouth I sink down in a corner and cry.

  I shake and cold waves roll of my shoulders. But then I think a thought that shakes me out of the debilitating sadness. Arwain knew. He knew it was you. And I run back to the backroom where everyone else is still waiting. Cap, First and Second all look at me concerned, but I am not concerned with them.

  I turn to Arwain and barely manage to whisper: ‘You knew.’

  He remains silent, so I repeat myself. ‘You knew she was the Founder.’

  ‘I did not.’

  ‘Liar!’ The acoustics of the room shrill and sharpen my voice.

  ‘I did not know for sure, though I had my suspicions.’, Arwain says calmly.

  He knew.

  ‘Maybe you should talk to her about it.’, Arwain says.

  I chuckle a hard laugh. ‘Yeah, maybe I should. Why don’t you bring me to her?’

  ‘I will.’, he says.

  The rest of the crew looks shocked.

  ‘Are you crazy?!’, Cap yells, but Arwain ignores him.

  ‘Since it’s Monday, she will probably be out of town today. But if you want, I will bring you to her tomorrow.’

  With a big snarl I stick out my hand. ‘Then it’s a deal, I say.’

  After this great reveal, we return to Cynefin at once. During our walk, Cap and First try to convince Arwain to not take me to you. But Arwain remains silent. Meanwhile, Second walks in the back like a beaten puppy, visibly feeling guilty for starting this discussion. It is not his fault, how could he have known? Cap and First and Second, they don’t really know you. They joined the order after you left, so they never got to know firsthand your toxic and cowardly nature. I do not blame them. They are not the ones to blame.

  The rest of the day proceeds without many a sound, though everyone who would have been present would have felt its noisiness, the cacophony that hides behind the silence. I hear the confused and concerned whispers from the crew behind my back. I hear Cap and First discussing the situation in hushed voices. I hear the thoughts in my head swell, swarms of killer bees. They never stop, not even after hours of laying awake at night.

  Something inside me finds this very funny, slapping my knees roaring with laughter funny. Karma or fate or whatever you might call it is really a very funny thing. Tomorrow I will get to see in person the person who betrayed me the most. The day of justice has finally arrived.