Back in our suite at the Vermilion Pavillion, which turned out to be the same place the city lord invited all of the qualified contestants. I am sitting on a large wooden slab engraved with strange markings made of blue and black ink, going through this regenerative process Iulia is making me do. Where I have to think and reflect about bodily sensations, and how these translate into my feelings and emotions.
But the more I do, the more I come back to that encounter we had earlier this evening.
Iulia has been acting strange ever since we talked to that girl in the street on our way back from the food stalls.
What brought it to my attention was how… Silent? Detached perhaps? No, she was brooding; that’s the word. I knew the way her face twisted and shifted reminded me of something, it was just like that day when I entered her room when she was letting herself “rot”.
{ You need to do something about it.} ‘ I know, I just do not know what to do.’
It took me a few minutes to decipher why that was, and from how tight my heart felt and how tense my guts were, I put two and two together: worry. But with this initial worry, another soon followed.
‘Why did I need time to identify this feeling just now, when I could do it much quicker before ?’ { That might be because of me}
‘ You?’ { Yeah. That thing she did too, ah! Make you more aware of me, it… Congealed? Solidified me? But being who I am, and where I come from; what used to make me this way, came from you.}
‘ That’s…’ { That would have been bad. If you weren’t doing these nightly regenerative sessions with her. Once again you are lucky to have her. } My inner demon says as she floats in my visual periphery, looking at Iulia with a wistful expression on her face.
‘ Are you… Jealous?’ { Me? Do you ask me? Your greed and desire made manifest if I am jealous? } She turns toward me, her stare neutral. Horrifyingly so, but then her face cracks with a small grin showing her pearly white jagged fangs.
{ I would have been, were I still a simple inner demon. Before Iulia made me like this. Now? I feel disgustingly joyful and content for you, but in exchange, I am also sad: knowing this is something I will never be able to have, to enjoy directly.} she states, forcing a laugh before diving back into the depth of my mind, leaving me alone: or as alone as I could ever be at the moment.
< Are you alright, Huan?> A hand lands on my arm from the side, breaking my focus for a moment. Turning my eyes at her, I can see that she is worried about something.
I roll my eyes, a bit exasperated given the circumstances.
< That should be my question. You’ve been distracted ever since we met that girl back there. I’ve even tried to get your attention a few times, but you were so captivated by your own thoughts that you didn’t notice.> Taking her hands with mine, my thumb strokes the back of her hand with affection.
She smiles at that, sitting down in front of me, her face turning a bit slack.
< I think that there are things moving around us, not that we didn’t expect or plan for that. But It might be bigger than what we— No, what I thought.>
She takes a big breath and sighs.
< That girl was scared shitless upon seeing us. It intrigued me, so I secretly peered into her surface-level thought. “ Target”, that’s what she called me.> I froze, my heart sinking as I felt myself growing cold.
My hands started trembling, not from fear. But rage.
< But, whatever happe—>
< We leave. Right, now.> I stand up from the wooden slab, pulling Iulia from the ground with me. I could hear and feel my heart pumping through my ears. As I started feeling that devouring sensation I’ve come to forget: Despair.
< Huan! You’re hurting me!> The words strike me as I look down, my hand wrapped tight around Iulia’s like a vice. The pain in her voice and face sent me reeling away as an intense sense of revulsion drowned me.
‘I hurt her… I just hurt Iulia… I… I—’
< Huan! Breathe! I am alright, just a bit of pain, nothing much. Please, just breathe and calm down.>
< How do you want me to calm down when there are people wandering around, who think of you as their target?> I could feel my throat tightening up as I sounded way more hoarse and angry than I thought. My vision started to blur as I felt an immense sense of dread making me weak in the knees.
< By remembering that I am not some kind of damsel in distress. I am a sorceress, and up until now, I didn’t have to fight as such. There are very few things that can injure me, or even “end” me as I am now.> She looks at me with her big blue eyes, her previous worries gone. Replaced by staunch determination.
< I was worried about talking to you about this. Exactly because of how volatile you are at the moment.>
< Are you saying you cannot trust me? Is that it?>
< No! Please, Huan. That’s not the issue. It’s just that…
< … What do you mean, “Issues”?> I ask, tense as I gnash my teeth trying to hold myself back from whatever I am about to do or say.
< Are you telling me that I’ve been—>
< I mean that you are just too much of a hard worker! That’s it. You are recovering too fast. And that’s making you overwhelmed by the sudden increase in emotional inputs you feel and have to process. This is supposed to be a gradual and lengthy therapy, over many months to perhaps even years. And because I didn’t expect you to be just so darn dedicated and efficient about it, you’ve done in a week what others do in years, if not decades. But that’s the problem, you didn’t have time to get used to it. That’s like… That’s like building a strong and thick wall on a weak foundation.> She speaks fast, her face shifting from frustration to joy to annoyance and back to frustration.
‘I… What? Too fast? Is that… Is that even…’ { Yes it is. Which is also why you didn’t feel like you’ve improved these last few days. And also why you didn’t get to see much of me.}
It made sense, in a way. I have been feeding her, during this entire week. With things other than what birthed her.
We looked at each other for a long minute. I didn’t know what to make of it, and she was pretty much the same.
I break the silence, not wanting to dwell on this any longer right now: < So? What am I to do then?>
< Getting off from it would be a great start.> She says, taking a step back for me to move. Then, without as much as a flick of her wrist, the platform disappears from where it lay previously.
I am already feeling much calmer, yet. The main issue remains.
< Now what?> I cross my arms in front of me as I look at her, her once tense and concerned face turns pensive.
< Now, I have to talk with Capash. He told me that he had to clear a few things up for me a week ago, and I've kept on pushing things back. I think it is a grand time to see what he has to tell me.>
Iulia’s PoV
We took a break, both from what we were doing but also from each other, to clear things up a bit. And with Huan in her own room, I realize that It has been a long while since I had some proper alone time.
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‘ I fucked up, and badly at that.’ Echoes through my head, as I summon my sworn friend and ally Capash, the light and nature spirit. And unlike before, I don’t have to go through whatever that was. The memories of it, even if dulled by my friend, still haunt me.
{ Greetings my young friend. Are you finally ready to face what I have to tell you? Or are you still in denial? } Always direct and to the point with him. ‘At least I know he will try to help reign me in if I try to dodge the subject, now that he is here.’
< Yes. Things have been moving far faster than I had anticipated. And I kind of hoped that whatever things you wanted to tell me might help.> I gesture to the bed for him to sit on while I take a chair.
He looks at me a bit surprised, but hums along as he sits, his large rodent body made of bark and fur-shaped light brightening the room.
{ I feel that you are rather distressed. And while it saddens me to see you like that; I am glad that you decided to go onward and resume your own life.}
< What is that supposed to mean?>
{ You have been static and wasting away, my friend. I know that because you are becoming petty and thin-skinned again. } He smugly says, looking at me with that annoying “ You screwed up” gaze
< No I am no— Fine. Yes. I can see it.> I swallow the hard truth. As much as I want to say otherwise. I very much am.
{ When was the last time you were on your own, at your own leisure? Doing something for you, and not someone else?} He starts. Poking at me with his branch-like limb.
Batting it away, I scowl at him. But as I try to think about it, he is right. And that annoys me. A lot.
{ Look, I am happy you’ve found someone you like, and that the feeling is reciprocal. But do not forget yourself. Being a sorceress makes you more sensitive to any shift in emotions, so if you forget to take some time for yourself during the day or every other day. This is what happens. You and I both know you’d hate returning to how you were before.}
< …> ‘ Crap. Now that he is mentioning that: It is true that I’ve been neglecting myself since I met Huan. Not in the - let yourself rot - kind of way when I was at rock bottom. But more like wanting to spend every waking hour with her, sacrificing the time I used to meditate or just take care of myself just to be with her some more.
I used to make and try new pastries or ( regular ) drawings for myself. Going for a flight around the forests, dodging trees at high speed. Or just taking a walk around.
But instead, I’ve spent every minute with Huan. Not that I regret any of it. But the time I spent just - vibing - to myself disappeared. And while we did have moments of calm where we just stayed close to one another, most of them were times when Huan was on my mind, and nothing else.
< I’m cooked, aren’t I?>
{ Yes, but you’re not burnt yet. Still salvageable.}
< Harhar… Rude, but point taken. Thanks.> I blow a strawberry at him as he grins with his rodent face, exposing even more of his massive front teeth. To which he responded back in kind.
After staring at each other, we share a laugh.
{ Glad to see you back to your usual self, my friend. But I am afraid that this is when the pleasantries stop. } His mental projection became much more rigid and direct, making me straighten up unconsciously.
{ What happened that night is proof of your own mastery over ink, meaning that you are now an adept painter. You’ve breached through what many aren’t able to, especially as young as you are. And most of all, you attract the attention of something, or rather “someone” you aren’t yet supposed to meet, even less so without risk.} He sits further back on the bed and he stares straight into my eyes.
‘Someone I am not supposed to meet? Yet? That was a - someone - ?’ I can’t help but remember that thing, that rainbow-colored wall that moved so fast. I barely remember how it was before it just stood there in front of me.
*Snap snap*
{ Hey, eyes on me. Look at me, and listen. This is important. I wasn’t joking around when I said that you weren’t supposed to meet yet; This is dangerous stuff and you are about to lose it if you don’t pay attention to what I say.} This threw another bucket of cold water in my face as he waved his hand in front of me.
< Right, sorry. >
{ Nothing to apologize about. As I said, there are risks tied to seeing things you aren’t supposed to, incredible risks. And this brings us to what I wanted to talk to you about. Because you’ve decided to keep the changes coming from rebounds, you’ve unknowingly opened a connection. And now that you met them, the connection intensified, making you stand at a threshold.} He says, opening his arms wide. I could feel that previous feeling of dread returning as I was making sense of his words. Yet there’s something that doesn’t make sense.
< What do you mean by keeping the rebound open a connection? That doesn’t mak—. Shit…> Then it hit me. The rebounds, that foreign, “artificial” emotion that comes back after each spell. It is - not - artificial in any way.
{ Seems that the truth is finally dawning on you. Every being alive feels emotions, even those fey wretches. The rebounds, as you and your fellow painters call them, are a very real and empathic reaction. And now that you’ve met the origin of them in person, or as directly as you could; the link you’ve kept widened. And this is where you now stand. You can either keep it as such, making you more sensible to any shift of your own emotion: forcing you to be more respectful of your inner balance. You can break down the connection, and return to how you were: weaker, but safer. Or you can embrace it, and jump through; facing all risks and consequences on your own, but making yourself stronger in return.} He says while swaying from side to side on the bed.
He looks at me with kindness and sadness at the same time but doesn’t say a word more. And for that, I am thankful as I feel myself completely, and utterly lost on what to do.
< So? What did he say?> Huan asks as I come back to the living room part of our suite. She was making herself a pot of tea at the low table. She seemed much more composed than before, and so am I. Feeling much more at ease than before, aware as to why I felt so spread thin and hurried.
Taking my seat in front of her, she wordlessly offered me a cup, which I accepted. She calmly worked on the tea, presenting me each time the tea: letting me enjoy the aroma as she did too. Before serving the first step and offering it to.
< This is a fresh herbal infusion. It is a blend that is much more gentle and “smooth” than what we tasted up until now, a relaxing brew to drink late at night.> She explains as I take the teacup with both hands and savor the smell.
< Thank you, Huan.> I say, tasting the floral tea. It feels good, warm, gentle; soothing even.
She then makes her own, moving slowly yet with intent and grace as she does. Pouring herself the gentle gold brew, before setting the pot back.
We stay as such for a moment. Enjoying the moment.
Taking another sip. I clear my throat, a bit apprehensive of how to breach the subject.
< First. I want to apologize.> The words quickly made her react, her face lifting up from her cup, her brows creasing in inquisitive wonder as to what I was on about.
< You’ve already apologized enough. >
< Yes, but that is not what I am talking about. What I am apologizing for, is that I have not really been myself these last few days.> I can see her tensing up, before realizing that this was one of the fears she has.
‘ One blunder after another, huh? Breathe and try again.’
< Not in that sense. Just so you know. >
< In which then?> She responds, clearly trying her best to hold herself back.
< In the sense that I usually have much more alone time than how we spent our time together since we met.> Her tension visibly bursts and ebbs away, which pains me as much as it comforts me.
< I wasn’t aware of it until Capash brought it up when I spoke to him. But I’ve been neglecting myself, and in return, it has hurt our relationship. And that started ever since you pulled me out of that head space I was in a few nights after we met. I wanted to get to know you so much, to spend every single moment of my time with you, that I've forgotten about myself. To take care of me, to do my hobbies. To mend my own cracks and wounds.>
< Ar—>
< And this is not me saying I regret the time I spent with you, no. Never. Nor am I saying that this is your fault. All I am saying is: that I want to be with you for a long time, but for that to be possible, I have to be able to stand on my own, too. And if that means taking a few hours per day or every other day. I will do so. Hell, It hasn’t even been a month since… Since I lef— No, since Minadora saved me. > I breathe out, the weight I have been feeling on my chest gone. Yet, my mentioning Mina makes me tear up.
< I see. I understand.> Huan reached from across the table and took my hand with her own. < Please do. I… I didn’t think of it. Ever since you entered my life that night, and even more so since we spoke a few days afterward, my life became much more… warm. Every moment with you brought me a sense of comfort; every time you reached out to me, I felt as if I was in a dream: never wanting to ever wake up. I, too, want this to last as long as possible. I know I can be greedy, careless, and impulsive, but if it is something that you need. I will do my best to respect it and make sure you can have it.> She says, each word coming out with difficulty. Yet, I can feel her intention behind each and every one of them.
< You have been helping me so much, teaching me things I should have learned ages ago. Things that were robbed from me, and you’ve given them back to me. And not only that, you’ve also decided that the feral and broken and feral thing you found that night deserved your affection. But I also realize that I got too greedy and dependent, there’s a battle ahead of me that is mine alone to wage.>
< Huan…>
< You’ve done a lot for me, Iulia. But I don’t want to be your patient, or for you to become my crutch. Just like you said: I want to be able to stand on my own, so I can be there for you when something happens. Just, promise me that, whatever happens, you’ll make it out and return to me.>
I’ve never seen her at peace like this, it’s different from when we are just together and relaxing. Or when we hug and cuddle. The glint of certainty and determination in her eyes, but also confidence and joy she has looking at me.
< Yes, I promise. No matter where or what happens, I will be there and come back to you, for you.>