To understand my life, one must first understand the peculiar nature of my profession. In the bustling city of Frankfurt, I was not a banker, nor a lawyer, nor an administrator of the finest German sausages. No, I held a unique position, one that could only have thrived in our modern times. I was a professional apologist.

  Now, you might ask yourself, “How does one make a living from apologizing?” Trust me, I, Frederik Bauer, asked myself the same question for years. But here we are.

  From an early age, I had the ability to make a complete mess of situations. Not because I was mischievous or troublesome, but because the universe, in its infinite sense of humor, ordained it so. A simple ‘hello’ from me could lead to a two-hour debate, a spilled coffee could turn into a diplomatic incident.

  With each debacle, I had two choices: run or apologize. I always chose to apologize. Not out of any sense of honor, but because I’m rather unfit and running has never been my strong suit. As time went on, I perfected the art of apologizing. The right tilt of the head, the most remorseful tone, a few tears, the precise wording to soothe the most ruffled feathers.

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  People began to notice. At first, friends would send me to apologize on their behalf for minor infractions. Then, acquaintances sought my expertise. Before I knew it, I had businessmen, politicians, celebrities, even the occasional repentant gangster knocking on my door, hoping that I could undo their wrongs with my carefully crafted words—for a hefty fee, of course.

  My office in the heart of Frankfurt became a revolving door of individuals bearing gifts, chocolates, and envelopes of cash, all with a single request. “Please, Herr Bauer, apologize on my behalf!”

  However, my gift was also my curse. Personally, I wasn’t much liked. People respected my talent, marveled at my skill, but no one wanted to be close to someone who could so easily find the flaw, the mistake, the exact point of argument in any scenario. It’s rather difficult to maintain friendships when you’re constantly pointing out where someone went wrong and how they could’ve avoided it. It might also have been the fact that I had a habit of critiquing the apologies I received in my daily interactions—from the barista at the coffee shop to the postman.

  So, here we begin. The tale, my tale, of the most sought-after apologist.