Recap 2

  Cuicatl

  I hope your own quest is going well. It isn’t, I know. You’re probably still on the first level of the nine, right? The world of darkness with only Xoloitzcuintle to help light the way across the river. I guess it fits. I went something like that of that recently.

  It’s been months. I should fill you in on the stuff that happened, from the last time I burned a message for you. We went to Ula’Ula. It was a much bigger and tougher island than the last one with lots of mountains, thunderstorms, and carnivores. I met a dark-type bear. And her cub. The mom was a little upset but the cub could translate between us so we got out okay.

  Genesis couldn’t keep her mouth shut and provoked Kekoa. Then they seemed to make up when I told her how weird nature is. Can you believe that their god only believes in two sexes and genders? Meanwhile ours take whatever form them want and gave us at least three ways to be. Why would we be so different from the rest of nature? I thought Kekoa and Genesis were good, but then Kekoa got really angry again. Still won’t tell me why.

  We climbed a very large mountain and I met a beldum. Or she met me. Pretty sure that she was sent to spy on me, but she won’t tell me why. I’m keeping her around because I need the power and she’s actually quite charming. Now she’s grown big enough to carry some stuff, too. And to bully me about therapy.

  I’ll get back to that.

  I cleared another trial. That one had a steel-type. None of my pokémon can deal well with steel-types, even Coco. Oh, she grew her teeth. She loves biting things. Sometimes with ice or thunder or fire. But she’s young so I wanted more help for the trial. Picked up a crabrawler, a crab thing, for a while. Let her go once the trial was over and it was time to go to another island.

  And that was pretty soon because the lights went out. I told you last time that this place had aliens attacking it. A really, really big one hit and stole all of the light. And gradually stole the heat. Things got cold. And dark, I guess, but I wasn’t bothered. Kekoa was. You probably are. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to go through the underworld so soon. I wish I had done more…

  …

  …

  Genesis left. She went back to her parents. To safety. I’m glad for her. I met Reshiram. She approves of my plans. I can’t do anything about letting you die, but I can still get Mom’s old pokémon back and go home. Now a goddess approves of my plan. I will not fail.

  I can’t.

  Kekoa and I were holed up in the largest city in the area for a while. Then we were allowed to travel again. I met Lyra. Or she met me. She’s a friend of Genesis and seems to know a lot about traveling. And she hates psychics. She seems to like me, but she wouldn’t if she knew. She pays part of our bills. It’s not safe to keep her for long. I don’t know how to get out of this now.

  On the way she really wanted to know about her pokémon. Kekoa kind of didn’t. His grubbin left him. Those two things are probably related.

  I also got hypothermia like a dumbass. Nocitlālin, the beldum, helped me warm up quickly enough so it wasn’t a lasting problem, but it wasn’t a good sign of things to come. After a while I came to a water trial. You’ve heard of toxapex, right? Big reef eaters? I fought a really big one and won with Noci’s help. She evolved into a metang. She’s stronger. Not sure about smarter. Still adore her.

  Pixie left. She met a ninetales that cursed me and beat up Noci. I don’t want Pixie with her. Pixie only knew her for two days and she will resort to violence to get what she wants. I gave Pixie some chances out. Let her help me in two more battles. The first was against a vikavolt. Yeah, a vikavolt. We didn’t win, I don’t think, but we got the stamp because I collapsed midway through and the captain was worried.

  I told you last time that the crystals felt familiar to use. They’re getting clearer. There’s a memory behind them, or a set of memories. I think. They involve a desert. A very hot desert with nothing but sand under me. Then there’s a voice. Or maybe a bug that I can’t understand. I’ve only heard the latter in dreams, but I heard the former when I was knocked unconscious after using a z-move.

  There is a desert in Alola. Maybe I’ll get answers whenever I visit it.

  Somewhere in there Noci bullied me into agreeing to therapy. Miss Bell is working on that now. I don’t know if I’ll actually do it. I know what’s wrong with me – I’m fat and let you die – but just talking won’t make me thinner or bring you back. And it seems so expensive. Maybe I can lie to her and tell her that I’m going to do it without actually doing it?

  Then the worst thing happened. The second battle I’d talked Pixie into was against a fighting-type specialist. Risky, I know. Too much risk for an ice-type. And then he had a hawlucha. I don’t know why he had a hawlucha. It tore into Pixie hard. Cracked ribs. Lots of punctures. Could have killed her. And it was all because I didn’t want to let her go. If she’d died, if I’d killed her too, I don’t think I would have wanted to go on anymore. If all I was going to do was hurt other people. But she didn’t die. She’ll live. Away from me.

  Everyone goes away eventually. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

  The lights came back. It’s warming up. I won’t get hypothermia anymore. Won’t feel snow under my shoes. (Or on my soles, once, just to feel it—don’t worry, I went inside and warmed up shortly after.)

  I’m sorry, again. I’ll be sorry forever and it will never make a difference, never be enough.

  I hope you’re doing well in your own darkness. I’ll try to send messages more often.

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  Kekoa

  Okay so I lost track of time and just forgot to update my transition log. Whoops. And it’s weird to suddenly see my face again after a while in the dark. Even when I could see a reflection the dim light made everything seem softer.

  Yeah, I’m coming along okay. Voice has dropped some more. Still not super deep, but I got gendered right more often than not in the dark. More stubble. Probably not enough for a beard yet. Not sure I’d want one, anyway. Leg hair seems thicker? A few small changes in the face that add up a bit. T is a fucking miracle drug. Even if there are some things it can’t fix. The darkness was nice in a way. Didn’t need to be seen as much. Didn’t need to think about how I was being seen.

  I guess this was also supposed to be a journey log. Whoops.

  I set off for Ula’Ula. Caught a dedenne. Or Cuicatl caught a dedenne. I’d have gone but she insisted on going with the Gage bitch after she deadnamed me. And she never even knew me by that name, so she went out of her way to get that.

  She apologized. I forgave her before I learned just who she was. I met someone cool in a forest. Don’t want to say more in these pages. Never know who could read them.

  Hekeli evolved. I won the electric trial. That was cool. Nice way to end the light period.

  The darkness sucked. They got us all packed in a shelter while something attacked outside. Then we had to be escorted down to Malie by fucking Reshiram, and the UBs were hitting her hard enough to draw blood.

  Right, Cuicatl talked to Reshiram. Because of course she did.

  The Gage Bitch left. I was upset for professional reasons, but also because I don’t think her parents will just turn over and accept her now after kicking her out. I don’t know what she’s in for, but I doubt it’s good. And I had barely gotten rid of her before we picked up another replacement. At least she’s competent. There’s that. And she isn’t a haole, just a settler. Sometimes I think I understand her. Then she’ll go and casually mention her servants or throw around money like it’s nothing.

  She also hates psychics. Cuicatl knows and seems fine with it. If Lyra tries anything I’ll kick her teeth in.

  Makani left. Kanoa helped find him a new home. It was the right thing to do. And I talked with Hekeli and apparently she doesn’t hate me. Progress?

  Then a braviary showed up and gave me her kid, because finding food as a visual hunter is hard. I don’t know if I’m supposed to pretend like he’s my kid or just act as his trainer. I should probably ask Cuicatl for help finding that out. Or maybe mama bird will want him back now that the light’s returned.

  I met a florges. I don’t think she likes me. Called me a poacher and didn’t seem to like trainers because we do things like making pokémon stay when they want to leave or catching them against their will. And she’s right. I didn’t want to get it at the time and I’m embarrassed now, but she was right. She was right and I don’t know exactly what that means for the future. Guess I’ll have to figure that out as we go.

  She did agree to help me. Traded her help in getting another grubbin for letting the floette go. Which seems like a weird deal the more I think about it. Fairies are good bargainers, right? And she could have stopped me from catching the floette. Why’d she bargain?

  …

  I have a bad feeling that I’m forgetting something.

  …

  Kanoa and the cool girl both think Selene can stay. Or that removing her wouldn’t matter. But it has to, right? She gets all the press and gets to be hailed as a hero for fixing the problems she created. Like Necrozma. If nothing else it would show the world that the kanaka are tougher than the outsiders. That we can be on top of our own world.

  And I’m making progress there. Beat the water trial. Used a carbink to beat the bug trial, because electricity doesn’t bother them much and they have rock attacks to boot. Then I got a drifloon. I’m told they’re good pokémon and she seems okay for now.

  Used the inkay, hekeli, and the carbink to beat the grand trial pretty easily. Oh, the drifloon’s name is Moe and the carbink is Kapuna. Still not sure if I’m keeping Kapuna or not. Probably not keeping the inkay for too long. It’s just not safe. I’m not selling them to VStar. I’ll have to release them to the wild. Cuicatl says that they want to stay and see more human stuff, so I guess they’re tagging along. Doesn’t fit well with my team plans but I guess it can work. Rock sort of covers ice, which my flying-types are weak to.

  We’ll see how it goes. And we’ll see if I remember to update this again lol.

  Genesis

  Xerneas, Maker of All:

  I’ve been thinking lately. I know, Mother says it can be dangerous, but that’s all I can do outside of sessions. Those are progressing. I don’t quite understand why some of it is supposed to help. But I don’t need to. I just need to do it. I’m not sure if I feel straighter? I also don’t really remember what it was like to be straight, before Lyra or Allana converted me. Maybe I’ll recall it as time goes on.

  Anyway, I’ve been thinking about the past. About the darkness. What it meant. At first I was just locked up for a while. Mother was accusing me of all sorts of things, of being a homosexual, and I told her no. And I believed I wasn’t. I realized I was wrong. I can’t even be trusted to know how wrong I am.

  Then the therapy started. At first it was just tests to see how I reacted to private parts. I don’t like seeing them, by the way, but some are easier to look away from than others. They’ve kept showing me images of them every day until I start looking at the right ones more. I thought I wasn’t supposed to look at any at all until I was married, but I don’t know. Mother tells me that some things are more complicated than I can understand. Than she can understand, even. But you get it. I just wish you’d tell me.

  Eventually my parents found out Cuicatl was a psychic. They brought someone weird in to run tests to see what she did to me. And it was nothing. Or pretty much nothing. She’s related to N, by the way. Met Reshiram on Ula’Ula. I guess that means she’s a priestess of a false god. All the more reason not to think of her.

  They’re having me burn pictures of her and Lyra. Scream horrible things at them. How I hate them. Always hated them. And that’s a lie. I didn’t always hate them, even if I maybe should have. I’m not supposed to lie. And they tell me I’m not supposed to think about them, but I’m also supposed to think about how much I hate them. I’m not good at doing both. I’m worried I’m failing.

  I’m sorry.

  The weird psychic also said some other stuff about changing someone with a psychic type. He said it shouldn’t be done. That it could destroy someone. He accused my parents of wanting it. Or they said they wanted it? I can’t really remember. Lots of yelling and I was still a little distracted from having just been hypnotized.

  They won’t do it, though. Father says they won’t do it. That the psychic was a bad person. I don’t know why they let a bad person into my mind, but I guess they have limits? I don’t think I would want that to happen. I don’t like thinking about it. That’s like death, isn’t it? Where your mind stops working and something else comes of it. Or is that rebirth? Or just change? You did give us psychic types. Maybe this is what we were supposed to do with them.

  I have a new pokémon. His name is Oliver. Mostly he just hides in my closet with the stuffed animals, but sometimes he comes out to look at me and Cloudy. Once he even tried to get onto my bed. I was worried since he’s a psyduck and all but I don’t think Father would’ve given me something dangerous. All Oliver did was climb on top of my legs and fall asleep. I let him stay there until my legs fell asleep.

  Ferny and Sir Bubbles are somewhere. Mother won’t let me see them. She said something about them being improper for a lady. I hope I get to see them soon. I like them. Yeah, Ferny’s lazy and Sir Bubbles is a coward, but that’s just more personality to love.

  Um. I kind of rambled there. Oops.

  May my words and deeds being honor to thine name.