May stared at Akai.she wondered. Then she started to panic. While she didn't know why Akai was reacting like she was, May wanted to be there to help her. Tentatively, she started to reach towards Akai and spoke in a soft, gentle tone. "fuck, I'm sorry Akai--" her words are cut off by Akai crying out as May's fingers touch the woman's arm. May jerked her fingers back, confused.

  "I'm sorry -- I'm sorry -- I'm sorry -- please," are the whimpered pleas from Akai's lips, each apology tore at May as she stared helplessly at her.

  With her stomach feeling like it was collapsing in on itself, May stood and started pacing the room, afraid to touch Akai again – in part because she didn't want her to cry out again and possibly attract the neighbor's attention, but also because she needed to clear her head. She'd never seen someone respond like this before. This was foreign ground, and every fucking apology . Nothing Akai had done today warranted her to be suffering like this – nothing Akai had ever done was even bad, so far as she could tell.

  That didn't change the fact that she’d fucked up.

  She'd noticed Akai flinching over the slightest touch, noticed how she was struggling with , but May didn't entirely understand what. She still didn't know. She had some idea, though, and she didn't like it. Regardless, she had to figure out something to help. She carefully sat back down next to Akai and softly murmured to her. “Hey Akai, I'm here for you, okay? And… I'm sorry.”

  Akai didn’t truly respond outside of her sobbing.

  After a while, May grabbed her phone and opened up a web browser with the intent of searching for advice. And stared. What to search for? My girlfriend started crying and locked up and I don't know what to do? I tried to stop my girlfriend from hitting herself and now she isn't responding to me while crying?

  She glanced to Akai. The apologies had stopped, thankfully. “Akai…?” May tentatively asked, reaching out slowly with her hand.

  No response.

  Akai’s eyes were closed, and her sobbing was starting to die down to whimpers, so May’s hand went to gently take Akai’s. She stopped and pulled her hand back, though, as Akai started sobbing more from their fingers brushing against each other.

  May let’s out a controlled sigh, returning to her phone. She pulls up her phone’s contacts, scrolling through her contacts searching for someone she could reach out to for help. One name stands out to her: Miné. But no, she should be able to do this herself. She fucked up, she needs to fix it.

  But how? She doesn’t even know where to start.

  I listen to May’s breathing. I can tell she's getting exasperated, but I can't tell why. After several moments, she let's out a sigh followed by a sharp crack.

  The bamboo cane.

  Papa.

  

  No, I can't do this, not again.

  “No, please! I’m sorry! Please don’t cane1 me! I’ll do better, I’ll make sure I’m good, just please….” Akai pleaded, crying again.

  May, startled, instinctively reaches out and touches Akai’s leg – “Hey, I wo—” her gentle attempt at trying to sooth her girlfriend is interrupted by a scream of pain and Akai pleading again to not be whipped. Horrified, May retracted her hand and stared. That touch wasn’t harsh or intense. Just… what happened to her?

  But then she processes what Akai had just said. She was afraid of being whipped1. Someone had whipped her in the past? It was this revelation that caused her to give in. To realize she was out of her depth and needed help, needed someone who knew more than she did. So, she grabbed her phone and pressed the contact for Miné. It barely rang once before her brother picked up the phone.

  “Hey sis, long ti-“ her brother’s voice was jubilant, excited even until he was cut off.

  “I need help,” May said by way of greeting, her exasperation clear in her tone.

  Gone was the jubilant voice from a moment earlier. Miné dropped his voice to a more serious tone. He could hear the crying. “What's going on?”

  “It’s my girlfriend, Akai… she… I don't know. She's not responding to me and if I touch her, she just cries harder or screams. Most of what I get from her is apologies right now and... fuck, Miné, I don't know what to do. I don't even know what's going on.” May stood up as she spoke and had started pacing again.

  There was some rustling on the other side of the phone before Miné responds: “What happened leading up to this?”

  “I was upset with her and said some things I shouldn’t have, and she just… went all subservient on me, making dinner when she already said she didn't have time because of homework, and. I don't know. She said I could hit her and kep–“

  “Please tell me didn’t, sis…” Miné interjected, his voice already sounding exhausted and like he'd already assumed the answer.

  “Fuck no, how could you think I would!?” May retorted, horrified that Miné would think that. Akai gave another pitiful apology from behind May. When May glanced over, the woman still lay on the futon in a fetal position.

  “Sorry – What happened next?”

  “I told her I would never, of course. Then she just… slapped herself. Like, hard. She was about to do it again when I stopped her… And then she just… I don’t know. It looked like she thought I was going to slap her, and she started crying and apologizing repeatedly, so I let her go. When I tried to touch her to offer support, she cried out like I hit her or something… And just before I called you, she…” May stopped talking for a moment, taking another glance at her girlfriend. She seemed to have stopped sobbing, but she was still crying and sniffling. When she spoke again, her voice was tense and pained. “Miné, she begged me not to whip her.”

  There was silence for a while, before Miné released a long, suffering sigh. “You’re not going to like what I have to say,” he said, voice cool and neutral.

  “Just tell me,” May replied. Miné almost never said things she liked to hear – but there was a reason she called him. She trusted him to give her good advice.

  “You should break up with her.” Maybe that trust was misplaced.

  “What? No, I can’t do that. She frustrates the fuck out of me, but I still like her,” May growled, which prompted another apology from the woman behind her.

  “I get that, but you’re going to hurt her more than you already have. I know you, sis. You’re not the best at controlling your emotions, and your girlfriend needs someone who is at least capable of doing so.”

  “I’m controlling them right now!” May protested, her fist clenching tightly around her phone.

  Miné sighed and May could imagine him shaking his head. “May, you’re audibly angry right now. It may not seem like much to you – or even to me – but to your partner? She’s likely picked up on it, which, again, to you or I or even most people? Not entirely a big deal. From what you’ve said to me so far… It sounds like she may have been abused. And badly.”

  May stopped in her tracks. She knew on some level that that was going to be what Miné was going to tell her – the part about not being whipped screamed that – but to have it potentially confirmed? Turning back to the young woman, May slowly walked over to her and sat down carefully, trying not to bother the woman or scare her. Her voice is much calmer when she spoke next. “So what do I do?”

  “Well, first. What do you want from me? Do you want me to come over?”

  “Please… I want you to help me fix this, Miné,” May said a little desperately, her voice starting to shake, “and I don’t know how, and she’s still not responsive, and any time I touch her, she cries out.”

  “Hey, take a deep breath. You’re doing one of the best things you can do right now: realizing you need help and asking for it. What’s the address?”

  More rustling on the other side of the phone. May breathed in deeply in an attempt to center herself and keep her from letting herself get lost in her panic. “It doesn’t feel like I’m doing anything, though.”

  “Nor will it ever. Even with all the help in the world. This isn’t something to just ‘fix.’”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It is more… implication of the word ‘fix.’ Fix feels immediate. Rapid. We call a plumber to ‘fix’ our pipes when something happens. We call an electrician to ‘fix’ our electricity when an outlet doesn’t work. That isn’t how this works. Minds are slow, built upon learning. From what little I’ve gotten of the situation, it sounds like she’s dissociating and potentially has PTSD. Also, address, Maymay.” May gave him her address, which prompted a shocked response from him. “Wow, you’re really close to my hospital. I can be there in about five minutes. Do you want to stay on the phone?”

  “No.. Just… hurry,” May responded, resting her head in her hands.

  “Okay. For now, stay close to her. When I get there, I’ll need you to come get me, but like… Make sure she knows you’ll be right back.”

  “Fine.” May pulled the phone away from her ear and ended the call. With no small amount of deliberation, she set the phone gently down on the table by the sofa. Further utilizing a fair amount of restraint, she doesn’t sigh in annoyance at the call with her brother. Instead, she turned her attention back to Akai. “Hey doveling. I’m here for you… and I’m sorry.” Still no response, at least at first.

  If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

  But I opened my eyes. Not focused on her, but on my hands. They should be safe.

  Everything else was hazy anyway.

  “Hey? Akai?” Hope. Hope laced the voice speaking. Hope was good.

  I didn’t respond.

  I wanted to. I didn’t want to. Everything was muddy. I wanted to. I…

  I couldn’t.

  My mouth wasn’t responding. Not just my mouth. I wanted to look at May. But my hands were safe. Besides. May had hurt me. Just like the others.

   A noise, a buzz. Most pressing pain. My shoulders hurt. Familiar ache. More intense than lately. That was May. But she didn’t mean to. She didn’t know better. My cheek stung a little bit. That wasn’t May. But nothing else. Well. My chest hurt. But that was different. That pain was internal.

  No pain elsewhere? That couldn’t be right. Gon—May had hit me, hadn’t she? I felt it.

  “Hey, you here?” came May’s voice, soft. Anxious. Nervous. “Alright, give me a minute.” Her voice turned back to me. “I’m going to go outside for a few minutes. I’ll be right back, okay?”

  I nodded.

  Wait. Why could I nod? I tried to move my head again. Nothing.

  Hands. Safe. I took care of hands. Washed them. Trimmed the nails. Sometimes painted them. Soft. But that didn’t matter.

  The door opened, and there’s a brief eruption of traffic noise before it goes quiet again, a soft click silencing the room. I laid there, mind entirely focused on my hands. Time passed. A beep. A whir. Traffic returned, then dissipated again with another click. A male voice offered his greeting of intrusion. It’s warm. Casual. Inviting.

  “Apologies for intruding, Miss…?” the man started, then paused, letting the sentence hang in the air.

  I didn’t respond. My mouth still wasn’t obeying. May answered for me, though. “Tori. Tori Akai.”

  “Miss Tori. My name is Imari Miné, I’m May’s brother and a doctor. Do you mind if I come in?”

  No, don’t come in. It’s okay, come in. I said nothing. I couldn’t see them. I wasn’t able to focus outside of my hands, finally, but… I couldn’t control most of my body. Or maybe I could, just… couldn’t. He seemed to get that he could come in, though. He was May’s brother. I wouldn’t refuse him. He made a surprised noise a moment later.

  “What?” May asked, confused. Then, with dawning horror, she continued: “Oh fuck, sorry.” A moment later, a blanket covered me.

  Right. I was only wearing a bra.

  She moved into my peripheral vision, and I glanced up to her. She was watching me, her eyes finding my own and she offered me a soft smile. I didn't return it. Couldn't. I wanted to, even if it would have been faked. To assure her everything was fine.

  The man's voice came from behind me. “May I sit next to you, Miss Tori?” May sat down. I didn't mind him. Despite what had happened, I wanted her presence. But I didn't respond. After a moment of silence, he spoke again. “Is it okay if May takes your hand?”

  This got a nod. It was a little easier this time. May reached out, sneaking her hand under the blanket she used to cover me and took my hand. Her look of trepidation transformed, going to one more of relief. See? It'll be okay, May.

  “I need to ask some questions,” Imari said cautiously. “I’ll try to keep them as yes or no. Squeeze May’s hand once for yes, twice for no. Is this doable?”

  Squeeze. That should be simple, right? Just a simple signal to the flexor digitorum muscles. May doesn't say anything, the relief slowly fading from her face. I must not have done it. I will myself to squeeze. This time, I definitely felt my fingers tighten a bit. Finally, May spoke up, so I must have.

  “Yes.” The relief is back.

  “I’m going to ask a couple of questions I asked before, mostly to have a concrete answer. I need you to be honest with me; neither myself nor May will be unhappy or mad at any of your answers. Is it okay that I’m here?”

  Is it? Technically, May lives here, she’s allowed to have people over. I didn’t mind him being here. He’s a doctor, so he’s not likely to try to hurt me. So I squeezed once. May spoke for me: “Yes.”

  “May I sit on the futon?”

  Again, one squeeze, and a yes from May.

  “Thank you, Miss Tori.” He shuffled around behind me and I felt the futon shift as another weight came down on it. Then, he spoke again. “If at any time you want me to leave, just squeeze May’s hand five times and I'll leave, no questions asked.” A brief pause. “The only wrong answer to these questions is to lie. If you answer wrong, just try to correct it. Or squeeze May’s hand three times if you don’t think you can answer honestly.

  “Are you and May dating?” May took her attention off me, looking up and beyond – probably at her brother – as I squeeze her hand once.

  She looked unhappy, but conveyed the answer anyway. “Yes. And to clarify, that was her response, not mine.”

  This prompted a chuckle from the doctor. “I can tell. Miss Tori, are you happy in your relationship with her?”

  May’s eyes had returned to mine when he started talking to me again. I squeezed once, and again, May answered for me. “Yes.”

  “Do you feel safe at the moment?”

  Do I? I felt some amount of comfort, but… did I feel safe? Sort of? Why did he have to ask question? I squeezed May’s hand twice and watched as her concerned face fell to one of hurt. “No.” I squeezed again immediately after, her hurt turning to confusion, but she relayed my response anyway, “Yes? She squeezed again after I said no.”

  He hummed thoughtfully. “Did you shift your answer because of May’s reaction?”

  Two squeezes. I understood why he asked that. And I probably would have corrected to that were the circumstances different, but I only meant to convey yes and no at the same time. I just didn’t have a signal for that. “No.”

  “Are you lying?”

  Two squeezes. “No.”

  “Would you tell me if you’re lying?” He continued.

  Probably not. One squeeze. “Yes.”

  “Are you lying about lying?”

  How had he caught it? I paused, trying to sort through the brief bout of panic. But I wasn’t supposed to lie, so with great reluctance, I squeezed May’s hand once, and hoped he wouldn’t be too mad. “Yes.”

  To my surprise, this gained another chuckle from him, and he sounded amused. “I suppose that’s fair. Did you mean both, then?”

  Another affirmative squeeze. “Yes.” This time, May’s face stays neutral.

  “So kind of. Are you having any thoughts of suicide, hurting yourself, or others?”

  I squeezed twice. “No.”

  “Have you been abused in the past?”

  Two squeezes. May’s brows furrowed, “are you sure?” Single squeeze. “Uhh? She said no.”

  There was a brief pause, then a soft sigh. “I’m going to let you dwell on that. I think that you’re lying to me.”

  Why would I lie about that? I squeezed May’s hand twice even though it wasn’t framed as a question. “She just squeezed my hand no.”

  “’No’ you’re not lying?”

  “Yes.”

  “Alright. I’m going to talk to May for a bit.” I got the feeling he still didn’t trust me. I pulled May’s hand closer to me, my thumb brushing against the top of her hand. Closing my eyes again, I took in her scent. The rosehip perfume she’d been using lately helped to calm me, so I focused on that and listened to the siblings talk.

  “How are you holding up, May?” Imari asked. His tone had changed to a more casual one, lighter than the one he had been using to ask me questions.

  “Fine,” May replied, exhaustion lacing the word.

  Imari was quiet for a moment, then he sighed. “You know I’m a surgeon right? I know very little about how to approach this, as I’m just basing it off from two classes I had in college.”

  “I.. I know. But you were the only person I thought I could trust to help me. I don’t think anyone else would have had any idea as to how to deal with this. Or even what is.”

  “Dissociating, I think. Essentially, she’s extracting herself from the situation, looking at the situation from an abstract perspective, if I remember it correctly, though it seems like she’s coming back. It takes time, and the best we can do is wait and do our best to be as non-threatening as possible.”

  I never really felt threatened by May. I wanted to protest, but I couldn’t make myself speak. Instead, I opened my eyes again and looked up to May. Her attention was on her brother when I opened them but glanced down at me and smiled tentatively. “Hey there,” her voice was soft, an attempt at being calming. I didn’t like it.

  I reached up with my other hand, bringing it out from under the blanket and my fingers splayed out in a pale imitation of a greeting. It was then that I realized that my body was starting to come back to my own control – or, rather, that I had enough will to take control of it again? It wasn’t like I couldn’t control it, just that it was difficult to do so. So much more difficult that it like I didn’t have control.

  “Are you alright?” She asked.

  Single squeeze. Most the pain had subsided by now – most the pain still lingering in my shoulders. Having a somewhat recently broken collarbone, though, that was to be expected. Still, I couldn’t express any of that with yes and no and go home.

  “Can you talk?”

  I tried again to say something, but… No. Nothing came out. So, I squeezed her hand twice.

  “That’s fine – I think? She said no.” Her gaze lifted from me to look towards her brother.

  “Should be okay. I don’t know time frames on how long it takes to return, but I know it doesn’t all come back at once.” Imari responded to the implied question May had asked. “Are you ready to answer more questions, Miss Tori?”

  “Yes,” May said after I squeezed her hand again. It wasn’t as if I minded to begin with. I didn’t feel all that much of anything at the moment.

  “I know I asked this already, but I wanted to give you more time before I asked again: Were you abused?”

  Two squeezes, and May voiced the denial for me again. I couldn’t do anything if they refused to believe—

  “Were you hit by people you trusted?” Imari asked, a little more sternly than his questions had been before now.

  One squeeze.

  May didn’t like that. She practically growled out “yes” to her brother.

  “Parents? (Yes) Mother? (No) Father? (Yes) Lovers? (Yes) How many lovers have you had? (2) Friends? (No) Strangers? (No) Others I haven’t covered?”

  Each question had the answer voiced by May until the last, which I had to stop and think on. The others had been easy. Gonda was the only other lover I had, and I hadn’t had a friend in over ten years, and the ones before that wouldn’t have done that. I guess Gonda kinda counted as a friend since he was my boyfriend/fiancé for six years. Eventually, I settled on the answer of ‘no.’ I couldn’t think of anyone who fit the last category. This, at least, brought some relief to the growing anger in May’s tone and features. She’d gotten tense at my lapse in answering, having gotten angrier at each yes I provided. The no’s had done little to ease that growing frustration in her.

  Imari let out a breath before he asked his next question. “Has May ever hit you?”

  I barely had a chance to squeeze her hand before May responded angrily, “No! The fuck, Miné? I already told you I didn’t!”

  “I want her answer, May. I know what you’ve said, but I need it from her. I wish she could respond on her own without voicing through you, but…”

  “Hasn’t.” I managed to whisper.

  May’s attention snapped back to me. I hadn’t felt like I’d been very loud in my response, and to be honest, I was mildly surprised I’d even been able to make a noise, especially since all my other attempts had failed – as surprised as I could be, at any rate, through all the general haze and miasma of my mind.

  “See? I told you,” May said triumphantly.

  Her brother sighed. “Okay. I didn’t think you had, May, but I still needed to confirm. It’s good to hear you talking though. Are you able to speak more?”

  I tried. “No,” May said after I signaled to her that I couldn't.

  Imari asked several more questions, some targeted at May, some at me, none seemed all that important. It took a few more minutes for me to get my voice back entirely, and a little more to sit up – blanket still wrapped around me.

  Finally, I got the chance to see the otherwise disembodied voice. He shared May’s cheekbones, both being a bit more prominent, and had the same black eyes, but he was more lean than May. He wore a dark blue shirt with white slacks, both of which were meticulously clean. His face was clear of stubble, and along with his short black hair, similarly well taken care of. A safe appearance. Or a lie of one.

  “Well, I think it’s time for me to head out. May, call me if you need anything. Miss Tori, if you’d like, I can give you my number and you can call or text me if you need anything?”

  May responded before I did, “okay. Thank you, Miné, for everything.”

  “That’s what brothers are for!” he replied to her, grinning.

  “Maybe later,” I said. I didn’t have the energy for writing anything. Everything still felt like it was coming in hazy waves.

  “Alright. May has my info if you ever need it. You two have a good night.” The door opened and shut quietly as he left the studio.

  I took off my pants after he was gone and laid back down, May joining me shortly and wrapping her arms around me. Despite my attempts to get her to stop, she kept apologizing and swearing to do better until she dozed off to sleep. I followed shortly after.