“Hooray”

  I muttered softly. The dim blue LED lights in my goon cave shined on me like a spotlight of depravity.

  I was excited. After four years of on-again-off-again py, I beat the st css in Star Wars: The Old Republic. It took me so long, not because it was hard, but because it was time-consuming. Also, not all of the csses were fun.

  ‘Whatever’ I crack my knuckles. ‘At least I can find something new to py now.’

  I reached onto my desk, unwrapped a Tootsie Roll, and tossed it in the air to catch it in my mouth.

  ‘Fuck’

  I missed it. It wasn't even close. It nded in my filthy rug but not near my booger cemetery.

  “Thank christ”

  I grabbed it off the ground and picked off the gross shit.

  “Hehe Five second rule”

  I downed it like a girl popping molly at the club. It tasted like carpet critters. I was hungry and too zy to go to the kitchen, so it would have to suffice. As I was chewing on the tootsie roll, I spotted a zesty meme on Reddit and started dying ughing.

  The next thing I know, I'm not ughing anymore, I’m fucking choking. I choke for a while, everything I try, and I can't stop choking. I can't take in any oxygen.

  ‘Oh fuck, am I going to die? Not like this god, please not like this!’

  As if the man upstairs himself had responded with a “bet,” a giant 18-wheeler truck tore through my apartment like a tornado. Destroying everything in its wake as its hungry headlights approached me.

  ‘Wait? I'm on the 11th floor of my apartment building. How the fuck did a truck even get up here?’

  God ceased responding to my thoughts as I was mercilessly crushed by this now-flipping truck. Mere moments before my neurons stop firing forever, I have one tragic and final thought.

  ‘Did I just get 9/11’d by a truck?’