Intern’s Log: Guess Who’s Gonna Be a Poppa—It’s Not Me, But Bandit Is, and I Can’t Wait for This

  Date: [The Best Worst News Ever]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I have never been more excited and terrified at the same time.)

  So.

  The world is on the brink of existential collapse.

  ? The Old Ones have made their first move.

  ? The war council is assembling new weapons.

  ? The uplifted species are preparing for all-out conflict.

  ? I just got married, and my in-laws still scare me.

  ? Fallen Star is giving cryptic warnings that make my skin crawl.

  And yet—

  Despite all of that—

  I just got the best news of my life.

  Bandit.

  Bandit is gonna be a father.

  And I?

  I am so, so ready for this.

  Phase One: The Moment I Found Out

  I was in my office.

  Reviewing tactical plans for countering interdimensional horrors.

  Thinking about how to keep reality from collapsing.

  And then Vicky waltzed in.

  Smirking.

  Looking far too pleased with herself.

  She sat down across from me.

  Sipped her tea.

  And just casually dropped the bombshell.

  "Oh, by the way, darling. I’m expecting."

  I blinked.

  "Expecting… what?"

  She tilted her head.

  *"Kits, Reynolds. Offspring. Future heirs. Bandit and I are going to be parents."

  Silence.

  Pure, blessed silence.

  Then—

  I exploded with laughter.

  Phase Two: My Immediate Reaction (Pure Joy)

  "Oh my GOD, I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!"

  Vicky chuckled.

  "I expected some degree of amusement."

  "VICKY, THIS IS THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO ME IN MONTHS!"

  "Oh, do tell me why, darling."

  Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

  "BECAUSE NOW I GET TO WATCH BANDIT TRY TO BE RESPONSIBLE!"

  Bandit, who had just walked into the room, paused mid-step.

  "Wait. Wait. What do you mean responsible?"

  I grinned.

  "Oh, buddy. You’re about to find out."

  Phase Three: Bandit's Reaction (Utter Panic)

  "No, no, no, hold on," Bandit said, waving his paws.

  "You’re telling me I’m gonna be—"

  "A father, yes," Vicky confirmed.

  "To multiple tiny versions of me?"

  "Yes, dear."

  "And I have to raise them?"*

  Vicky grinned.

  "Yes, Bandit. That is typically how this works."

  Bandit slowly sat down.

  Then stared at his hands like he was trying to process his entire existence.

  I was dying.

  Phase Four: The Others Find Out

  Goldie took the news well.

  "This is good," she said, nodding. "Your line will continue."

  The Good Boys tilted their heads in confusion.

  "So… Bandit has acquired new recruits?" Nemo asked.

  "Not recruits, pups," Vicky corrected.

  "Pups… that will grow to lead?"

  "Naturally."

  The Good Boys looked at Bandit.

  Bandit looked like he was experiencing an existential crisis.

  Bandit looked at me.

  "Reynolds, I need help."

  "Oh, no, buddy. This one’s all yours."

  Phase Five: My Plans for the Future Kits

  I am going to be the worst influence.

  ? I am going to teach them how to mess with their father.

  ? I am going to introduce them to human snacks.

  ? I am going to tell them wildly exaggerated stories about Bandit’s past.

  ? I am going to buy them tiny, custom-made tactical vests.

  Bandit is never going to know peace.

  This is the best thing to happen all year.

  Final Thoughts (I Am Ready for This Chaos)

  ? The war is coming.

  ? The Old Ones are stirring.

  ? Reality is at stake.

  ? But more importantly—

  BANDIT IS ABOUT TO BE A DAD, AND I AM NEVER LETTING HIM LIVE THIS DOWN.

  I don’t know how this war ends.

  But I do know this—

  I am going to be the best god-uncle in history.

  End Log.