“Good morning, Sam,” Rose greeted him as he entered the same office at exactly the same time as last week.

  “Hi.” Sam nodded as he sat down.

  “How was your week?”

  “Not good. But… overall better. Or maybe progressively is the more appropriate word. Progressively a little better.”

  “Just like you expected then, right?”

  “I didn’t put a deadline on how long it was going to take me to improve or feel better. And I haven’t improved. There’s still a huge gap between how I’m feeling right now and how I’m… supposed—want to feel.”

  “And how are you feeling?”

  “Still bad. Not as bad as I was this time last week, though, obviously.”

  “It’s interesting that you’re so sure about that. Last week you mentioned having troubles gouging your feelings. Comparing your emotions.”

  “True. But there’s a distinct enough difference between last week and today for me to be sure.”

  “A distinct difference in what?”

  “I don’t know. In how I’m handling… all of this, I guess.” Sam waved his arms about.

  “So the only difference is in your response to your emotions? The emotions themselves haven’t changed?”

  “Well obviously not. How could they? It’s only been a week. I’m still feeling the same things. Just got more used to feel them.”

  “But why do you not count that as the emotions having changed?”

  Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess that I see this like a sort of input-output problem. The input being my emotions, the stuff that affects me. And the output being how I react to that stuff.”

  “Interesting… So in that case, you’re saying that the input, your emotions, has been the same ever since your return?”

  “Maybe? I think all the emotions were still there, just unable to affect me like they do now.”

  “Let’s assume that’s the case; that your emotions, your input, have been the same all this time. With that in mind, what would feeling better look like, from the input-output perspective? Say you went back to feeling like you were a week and a half ago, or even better than that. Has the input changed? Or did the change come from you processing that input in a different way? Like being under the effect of magic?”

  “You’re essentially asking whether I’m ever going to actually feel better about what happened to me or whether I’m just going to change how I respond to these emotions.”

  “That’s one way to look at it. But if we interpret the input to just be the base state of your experience, then that is an objective fact. Everyone that sufferers from an emotion and ‘gets over it’ isn’t going to change the experience itself, but just how they react to it. Viewing the input staying the same as the inability to actually feel better is just one possible perspective that stems from the broader assumption about where our emotions come from.”

  “A perspective that I, apparently, seem to hold.” Sam sighed.

  “Do you? I’m not under that impression. From my understanding of what the process of ‘getting better’ looks like in your eyes, it is one where, at the end, you do genuinely feel better. Wouldn’t you agree?”

  Sam shrugged. “I guess so. But from my point of view, it’s like you said: it’s impossible to change the base state of experience. Only changing how we think about and react to it. But I don’t know whether I would count that as a change in input or in the affecting equation itself. Frankly, I don’t know how much it matters. It’s not like what I think of the ‘process’ is actually going to affect it. It’s all subconscious anyway.”

  “If so, then why are you here?”

  “Yeah… maybe my choice of words was wrong. Or just what I said was wrong. I don’t know. But… it’s not like I’m really looking to have a deep dive with you into my mindscape, you know? Like there’s no need for us to talk about my childhood and trauma or all that shit. Everything I care about, that makes me feel bad, is pretty much out in the open. I’m not trying to get to any… conclusion, or revelation regarding it. I’m just hoping that these meetings will act as an accelerant for the process.”

  Rose nodded. “You mentioned that last time. So from your point of view, what we talk about doesn’t actually matter? Just the act of talking?”

  “Well… obviously not. Because there are topics which are… important. And the way we talk and what we say matters. Otherwise, I could’ve done this with just about anyone. What I’m trying to say is… OK, so there were two major modes for me when I went to therapy before, alright? The first was improvement, and the second was maintenance. Do I need to elaborate on what I mean by those?”

  “No I understand.”

  “Good, but it was also a scale. It’s not like before every appointment I decided whether I wanted one or the other. Some days, I wanted more maintenance, so we just talked about whatever was bothering me during that week. And other days, I wanted to focus on improvement, so we talked about a broader topic or whatever. But there was a mix and matching between the two modes and types of topics, and no topic and discussion belonged to either mode.

  “My point is that for these meetings, I’m obviously interested in improvement the most. But I already know what’s ailing me. There’s nothing to look deeply into. I feel like shit because A and B and C and we can talk about that, sure. But I’m not going to be making any revelations about those because there’s nothing to look for beneath the surface. The improvement is in the sense that I’m going to feel better, but it’s not in the sense that I wouldn’t have been able to do that without the therapy. The therapy is just to help the process along. All I need is to just feel better about the facts I already know about. Not discover anything new, better understand myself or whatever, stuff that you need therapy in order to improve.”

  “So what do you mean when you say there’s nothing to discover?” Rose asked.

  “Just what it sounds like. Like, I don’t know if I ever really had any childhood trauma that I needed to unveil in my past therapy, whether I really needed anything more than just ‘maintenance.’ I guess I did, talking about anxiety and depression and how to deal with them and stuff. But I’ve gone through all of that stuff now. So if I would’ve stayed like I was before the accident, the only reason I would’ve kept going to therapy was maintenance. And yeah, sure, there could’ve been another tragic event in my life, or just a change in circumstances or viewpoint that would’ve ‘necessitated’ me focusing on improvement. And maybe that change or development would’ve required more ‘discovery’ and introspection for the improvement to be possible. But right now, I feel like the only problems that I need improvement with are all known to me; they’re all already on the surface. Like there was this one trauma that I had to deal with, but it didn’t require me to look deeply into myself and I’m pretty much over it by now. Then there’s this other, current trauma. I’m not over it, sure, but I am in the process of getting over it. And in order to do so, I don’t need to do a deep dive in order to discover anything new about it or myself.”

  “So what does that mean for us in practice? Do we avoid talking about your second trauma? I’m assuming the first is your accident, and the second is you being taken, yes?”

  “Not avoid. Just that there’s no reason to look deep down. Like what we did when we talked about how I view the process of getting better. If I tell you that I feel bad because I really miss my parents, then the cause for the emotion that needs improvement is obvious: my parents are dead and I miss them. I don’t currently feel bad because of the underlying nature of my relationship with my parents. So there’s nothing to be gained by talking about stuff like my family history cause I’m already aware of all the facets of it that pertain to my current situation.”

  “So is that something that you did a lot in your previous therapies?”

  “See this is what I was talking about. Like what’s the point in asking about that? I already know all I need to know about my relationship with my parents and my childhood and everything else in my life from before. And whatever I don’t know won’t really matter at this point. Let’s say we’re talking about my second trauma in order to make me feel better about it. What does it matter whether I was closer to my dad or to my mom? I’m not dealing with the ramifications of my personal relationship with them. I’m dealing with a general problem. Another person, with a completely different relationship with their parents, would be dealing with the same problem if they were in my position.”

  “How so? What if that person had a troubled relationship? Hated their parents?”

  “Sure, but I’m talking about a normal relationship. Generally positive. Loved them overall. The average thing.”

  “OK…” Rose paused for a few seconds in consideration. “So what you just told me, about having a normal relationship, what does that count as? We were not talking about your second trauma, about your current circumstance, but stuff that came before, so was that a ‘deep dive?’”

  “A deep dive would be asking for a subjective retelling, how I’m feeling, or was feeling about stuff, and what I think about it. As opposed to just giving you the bare facts. My parents were so and so. They did this and that. I grew up in that place like and had this childhood. Problems here, problems there. Liked one thing, hated that other thing. The psychological analysis of the stuff you talked about us not doing last week. I realize you might need to know the stuff itself in order for us to proceed forwards. But I just don’t think there’s anything to be gained by talking about… I don’t know, going any deeper than just the historical facts. Analyzing the relationship, my childhood, my fears and anxieties. I already did that in the past. I fee like whatever ‘secrets’ about myself I haven’t discovered by now won’t matter anymore.”

  “Won’t matter why?”

  “Because they don’t matter. I’ll be able to be happy and maximally productive without knowing them. Without that extra understanding of myself and my personal development.”

  “Alright, but allow me to ask the question once more: why exactly won’t it matter? Would it have not mattered before you were taken? Before the accident even? Or is it that because of being taken, your second trauma, that you now feel like it’s diminutive in scope? That you might’ve cared about it before and it could’ve been important, but you don’t and it isn’t anymore?”

  Sam gulped and paused in consideration. He really wasn’t sure. “I don’t know. It’s both I guess. I was in a really good place before the accident. Best I was ever in. And even after the accident, it’s not like I was all doom and gloom. My last memories are overall pretty positive. So I think it’s more that I have mostly finished that introspective part of therapy, for that stage in my life at least, and that whatever remained of it is, by now, much less important, bordering on not at all.”

  “Well, therapy is never not introspective, Sam. Even if you don’t ‘deep dive’ into your childhood and relationships, you’re always working to better understand yourself. Even if in a year you’ll just spend the entire meeting giving me a rundown of your week, without any emotional information, it’ll still be an introspection. But I understand your position about that… more past directed aspect of therapy. And if you want us to avoid it, then I will, of course, endeavor to do so.”

  Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

  “Look, I understand that it’s inevitable that we’ll have to talk about those kinds of stuff. I just meant that I think anything more than the objective information isn’t worth a discussion on its own, without relating to what I’m currently going through.”

  Rose nodded. “Very well. So let’s avoid anything more than the objective information for now. Like you said, you are currently suffering from general emotional problems as a result of you being taken, right? So let’s talk about that, in general terms. You want to know hot to better deal with the loss of loved ones, yes? So let’s talk about how to do just that. Nothing about your relationship with your parents, just the bare facts of how to get over loss.”

  “That can’t be that simple.”

  “Why not? Psychology, for all its possible faults and fallacies, is still a science with a methodology and research. It offers plenty of different treatments and opinions on how to best deal with grief, enough for us to be able to try and objectively ‘treat’ you. So all I want us to do, for the rest of the meeting, is just talk in general terms. Nothing that you feel is unnecessary, nothing from your past or even you present that doesn’t relate to your grief and how you’re dealing with it. No ‘deep dives.’ I’ll just present you with generally agreed upon information and methods for better dealing with how you’re feeling right now. As technical and practical as possible. Are you in?”

  Sam shrugged. “Alright with me.”

  Once their appointment was over, Sam once again had to assure Maurice that it went well before being accompanied by him out of the hospital. Overall, he felt that he had maybe wasted too much time just talking about what the therapy should and shouldn’t be instead of just engaging with it. But he managed to avoid stressing about that feeling for too long. The facts were that Rose was a professional who knew what she was doing. All Sam had to do, the best he could do, was be himself, as authentic as possible. And if that authenticity happened to change from one week to the other, then so be it.

  He ate breakfast with only Sarah for company, as Felix and Yvessa had an exam and had already eaten before. For a change, he allowed Sarah to interrogate him without any attempt to change the topic, in an effort to get her mind off the exams and help her relax a bit. It was a convoluted leap of logic, but it did work. Or maybe she just wasn’t worried about the exams all that much.

  His time with Dan passed pretty much like last week: only practicing stuff that Sam was already familiar with. At least today Dan reintroduced Prior Skin Reinforcement to the practice after taking it off the previous Sunday. Sam promptly failed six times in a row before Dan had to refill his core. Dan told him not to worry about that, and somehow, Sam was indeed not worried. He still wasn’t up to specs, so it was obvious that he won’t be able to manage something that he had only managed through a fluke before. He’ll get it eventually. Hopefully, before he was completely back to feeling fine, as that would serve as a clear sign that he was still improving despite his lowered performance and lenient schedule.

  “Hey guys,” he greeted Felix and Yvessa as he sat down to join them. “So Sarah’s running late, I guess?”

  “Don’t you read your phone?” Felix asked. “She said to start without her because of her last test of the day.”

  “Huh, would you look at that?” Sam slid the phone back into his pocket. “I really need to check it during the day if I’m going to keep keeping it on silent. Anyway, enough about me. How was it? You both had the same exams today, right?”

  Yvessa nodded. “We do every day but Wednesday and Friday, actually. Thankfully, we’re not in the same class.”

  “I wouldn’t do that,” Felix grumbled.

  “Do what?” Sam asked.

  “She’s ‘worried’ that if we were taking the exam together that I’ll be affected by her pace and rush to finish mine if I see her finishing before me. Even though doing that would be incredibly dumb and would serve no point. Even if we were competing.”

  Yvessa smiled. “So why do you get so riled up when I make jokes about that?”

  “I don’t get riled up.” Felix crossed his hands.

  “Hm… I don’t know.” She turned to Sam. “Do you think that maybe something like that happened to him in the past? That it’s a sore point in his record?”

  “Could be…” Sam nodded in consideration. “But as long as he grew past it, he should be all in on making fun of that past behavior.”

  “To answer your question, Sam,” Felix said slowly. “My exams went great. Happy with all of them. Even math. You know what? Especially math.”

  “How about you?” Sam asked Yvessa.

  “It was OK,” she answered. “But like I said, I’m not too worried about the exams in any case. Studied for them, gave it all on the test. Nothing to think about besides that.”

  “Well that’s a very healthy mindset. Take it from someone who worried about exams incessantly in the past.”

  “You’re not going to worry in the future, then?” Felix asked.

  “I don’t know. We’ll see. Feels kind of weird to worry about the results of the one instance of testing when I’m constantly being tested and evaluated by multiple people. But who’s to say that I’ve grown past the point of worrying about that stuff?”

  “Well for what’s it worth, I don’t think you need to worry about them. Just speaking practically, from an end goal point of view. If you happen to fail a test, then there are only two things that could happen to you. Either you’ll receive private instruction on the subject until the instructor deems you knowledgeable enough. Or, you won’t. Because the course you failed isn’t important enough for you to spend more time on.”

  “You forget the possibility that I keep failing in trying to learn the subject. And from that point, it’s failure and catastrophization all the way down.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t see that happening.”

  “I thank you for the vote of confidence.”

  Felix smiled brightly and gave a slight nod. “In any case, we’re still up for tomorrow, right?”

  “Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?”

  “I was just worried that you changed your mind. Maybe went back to the same old schedule instead.”

  “I told you I was going to help you, and I’ll help you. I’m not sure you even need my help, but that’s beside the point.”

  “Great. So I’ll drop by your room as soon as I finish my exam. We’ll study till dinner, and tomorrow, I’m going to pass the stupid test with flying colors. You sure you don’t want to come, Yvessa?”

  “No thank you,” she said. “Unlike you, I’ve been to most of the lessons. And I actually read the material throughout the trimester. Have fun, though. Especially you, Sam.”

  Sam shrugged. “It’s really not that big of a deal,” he lied.

  “Well big deal or small deal,” Felix said, “it’s good to see that you’re finally taking a proper break. Even if it’s only for a couple of hours and even if you’ll be spending some of that time helping me study.”

  “Spare me the preaching theatrics.”

  Felix held his hands up with a smile, dropping the subject.

  Sarah joined them just as they were finishing with dinner and despite her plate being her usual size, she still proceeded to demolish it in record pace, allowing them to leave for the evening’s workout only a few minutes late. Of course, food wasn’t the only thing she played catch up in, and she spent the walk there grilling Yvessa and Felix on how their tests went. It was a joy to behold her interrogation work from the other side of it. The two hadn’t had a moment’s rest, which must’ve made the walk to the exercise more exhausting than the exercise itself.

  In contrast, Sam would’ve preferred the walk to last much longer, anxious as he was about working out tonight. Sure, he feeling way better than yesterday—Maurice’s treatment working in full force. In fact, he was feeling, physically, much better than any time in recent memory, as though he had come out of a week’s rest. But he was worried that was only on the surface; that once he started exerting himself again, it would all come undone and reveal the patchwork that was his overworked physical self. Back to the pain and woe he woke up with yesterday. Of course, he had to keep those worries to himself, so he just gave Sarah a thumbs up and a nod when she asked if he was sure he felt well enough to go back to exercising.

  A couple of minutes later, after the warm-up exercises were concluded and as Sam was given a minute or two of respite before the proper workout started, he realized two things. First, for all intents and purposes, his initial worries were unfounded; he truly was feeling physically fine, as though the last few months of constant exercise, culminating in his stupidly long run two days ago and the breaking point yesterday, had never happened. And two, he had something else to worry about. The mental struggle of persisting through hardship and pain was back on the menu, courtesy of his slowly improving mood, and stronger than ever.

  He had an inkling of this “new” development back on Friday, when his run caused him to momentarily forget all that ailed him. But today it was much clearer. Clear enough to be certain that this was going to be the new normal going forward. After only a week’s absence, the connection between mind and body was restored. And while Sam could finally get some emotional benefits from working out. Still, he knew very well that those were going to be dwarfed, for the time being at least, by the drawbacks. Simply put, he no longer felt ambivalent about exercising. He now well and truly hated every moment of it; wanted it to stop.

  But he didn’t stop. He carried on as though everything was the same. The same as what, though? The same person from a week ago who didn’t want to work out but felt no great reluctance going through the motions, as he had nothing else he wanted to do? Or the person from two weeks ago, who had plenty he wanted to do instead, but still struggled on, through the pain and unwillingness, because he knew that he had nothing more correct to do?

  It didn’t matter. When all was said and done, he had made it through the workout. Just as he will tomorrow and the day after. And every day after that, as long as his body didn’t betray him like yesterday. It didn’t matter if it was—

  “Sam?” Sarah’s voice brought him back into reality, where he found himself trying to crush the empty metal bottle in his hands. His eyes blinked back into focus as Sarah asked him, “you alright?”

  “Yeah.” Sam cleared his throat. “Just a little lost in thought. You know the drill.”

  She stared at him for a couple more seconds before deciding to let this go and shrugging her shoulders. “So how are you feeling? Any pain?”

  “No more than there should be. Honest. The doctor’s remedy was magic, the old usage of the word. I’m only feeling today’s effort.”

  “Good to hear. But Maurice can’t give you that remedy frequently, so next time you work yourself too hard, you’re getting bed rest.”

  “I’m not gonna work myself too hard then. Just the same routine from before.”

  “And on Friday?”

  “Probably not going to run this week. Not feeling like it anymore.” What a fucking understatement.

  “Well, keep me updated. At the very least, I’m not going to let you exercise on Friday morning, if you do.”

  Sam nodded and, hoping to change the topic before he got himself into dangerous waters, asked, “So you going to tell us how your day went? You questioned everyone else.”

  “I didn’t ask about you,” Sarah defended herself as Felix and Yvessa joined them.

  “My day was alright. Same as last week. Your turn.”

  Felix smiled. “He raises a good point, Sarah. You were late to dinner for a reason, after all. And you spent yesterday evening distracted by your own thoughts instead of the furry animals that graced our company. Don’t you think we deserve to know what came of the reason for both of those facts?”

  Sarah rolled her eyes at Yvessa, trying to find some back up in vain as Yvessa simply nodded in agreement with Farris. “It’s only fair,” Yvessa said. “You asked about us, at great length. You don’t have to talk details if you don’t want to, for fears of damaging our fragile minds, but you ought to tell us how the day went, at least. Especially that last exam.”

  Sarah sighed. “It went fine. Dwarven patterns too. I’m sure I’m going to pass, so now I only have the paper to worry about. You happy now?”

  “That is the lamest retelling of a day I have ever heard,” Felix said.

  Sarah frowned at him, but eventually relented and told them about her success in a little more detail. Sam only half listened, lost in a thought completely different from the one that held him captive a few minutes ago. How could his three friends be so sure of themselves? Where did their self-confidence come from? It was one thing to feel good after a test. But to be so certain that they passed it? That they succeeded in all the exams they had to do today? He knew it wasn’t some vain arrogance that guided them, that the certainty they held was an end result of a rational and honest process. He also knew that it wasn’t such an amazing feat on display here. But still, he was amazed.

  That level of self-confidence was earned. By all three of them. By years of effort, by numerous successes and undoubtedly numerous failures. It was built brick by brick, by them, and by the world and people around them affirming their beliefs. Of course, the remarkable thing was that it wasn’t misplaced. They deserved to feel so confident in themselves, in their actions and their results. In many ways, their behavior, their mindset, was one of the things Sam wanted to most to have, to be like. The knowledge that you have tried your best and that your best was good enough. Because you yourself are good enough. The lack of constant anxiety, of ever-present pangs of guilt and regret, accompanying the fear of failure. The disappointment and sorrow stemming from successes that didn’t stretch far enough. To be at peace with who you are and what you did, to be happy about it, to be proud of it.

  And yet… and yet, even that would not be enough. Because he knew his friends, and he knew that their confidence and self-assurance only stretched so far. And that so far was very far behind the place Sam needed to stretch his. After all, Farris had told him the same thing. His mentor didn’t start out as the self-assured figured he tried to impress upon everyone else, even if he had more reason to behave like that than each of Sam’s friends. There was a gap. A gap between where Sam was and where his friends were. And, perhaps even larger, another gap between his friends and someone of Farris’ caliber, who had to carry the lives of millions on his shoulder. And then, another final gap between Farris and the person Sam had to be, to become. A person who will be able to make decision for billions, for all lives that were, then go into battle not burdened by worry and anxiety. And even if Sam will never be able to become that person, even if that person was just an unreachable ideal for any sane human being, he would still have to try.

  Eventually, Sarah’s recounting had reached its zenith and Sam was once again forced out of his head. Bidding goodbye to the three of them, he started making his way back to his room alone. Felix and Yvessa were headed for the showers and then the library, for some last-minute studying. And Sarah for a bath followed by a massage, a treat for a job well done according to her.

  For Sam, the end of the day was surprisingly pleasant, even if he was caught in an introspective loop, juggling a host of different topics in his mind. He came back to his room, had a relaxing shower and a lukewarm meditation, watched an episode and a half of the documentary before embarking on a short session of cultivation. Then came his last test of will for the night and he managed to avoid turning the lights off right there and then, choosing some audiovisual entertainment in order to prolong the books for yet a while longer.