Chapter 1: I won't cross over anymore, you all come instead

  I'm really unlucky, I am.

  Others travel through history, becoming heroes and kings. Even the most conservative ones can return to the Ming Dynasty as a prince, but I was reverse-traveled yesterday, Liu Laosi brought back this guy who turned out to be Jing Ke.

  It was him, the one who assassinated Qin Shi Huang and liked to sing before taking action.

  Let's start from the beginning.

  That day, I was walking along without bothering anyone, when I passed by the outer wall of a park, a dirty old man waved at me with his very postmodern dirty hand: "Young friend, you have an appointment today..."

  It is indeed "boredom breeds trouble". As a big idle person, I sat in front of the old man with an attitude that being idle is also idle, and I wasn't afraid of him cheating me mainly because: I only had 50 cents in my pocket.

  I smiled and said: "Then you first calculate what my surname is, in which year I was born, what I do, if you calculate it accurately, I'll give you money."

  That old charlatan shook his head with a pretentious air: "Those are just tricks of swindlers, and I am an immortal - let me ask you: do you want to become an immortal too?"

  What an uncommon opening remark! If it were you, you wouldn't want to leave either.

  Anyway, I didn't have the heart to leave. I guess this old thing might come up with a row of books: "I see that your skeleton is extraordinary and you are an unparalleled master... From now on, the task of maintaining world peace will be handed over to you."

  But the master is a master, he told me a shocking and beautiful sentence, which made me worship him to death, leading to a series of misfortunes later on.

  He said to me: "The White Sand you're smoking is fake!"

  When this remark came out, I felt at the time just like a reader of Wanjin Oil wrote: I only felt that a certain flower had somehow or other done something to me...

  I have a habit of buying cigarettes from the small tobacco shop opposite my home, but today when I went out on the street, I found that I didn't have any cigarettes on me. Who would have thought that after buying a pack, it turned out to be fake? No wonder people say that for men, the frustration of buying a pack of fake cigarettes is second only to finding out on their wedding night that their bride is not a virgin.

  As soon as the old man finished saying this sentence 0.01 seconds later I felt that the five dollars in my pocket were gone.

  What happened afterwards can be described as a dramatic turn of events.

  "You were originally able to become an immortal, but just as the Department of Immortal Affairs (at the same level as the Department of Human Affairs) was about to approve it, you fell in love with a female demon. This matter was not big in itself, but it brought immense public pressure and a problem that had been facing the immortal world for a long time and was difficult to solve: what kind of moral standard should be used to measure someone who is about to become an immortal but has not yet done so?"

  To be honest, my first instinct at the time was to think that a Peking University professor had disguised himself as a swindler to conduct research on spiritual matters. I even took a sneak peek around, but didn't find anything that looked like a hidden camera.

  "The Jade Emperor was very angry, the consequences were severe, his original intention was to strike you with nine thunderbolts. But that day happened to be July 7th, under the beautiful words of Qi Xiuniang, it was changed to one thunderbolt..."

  "What's the difference between Jiǔ Léi Hōng Dǐng and Yī Léi Hōng Dǐng?"

  "It doesn't make a difference anyway, you're dead either way."

  I: “……”

  The heavenly realm has reached a conclusion regarding your case: that is, you should not be punished for falling in love with the demon before becoming an immortal.

  I: “……”

  "So they decided to make up for it, and now you have two options: the first is to use your lifetime to do something for them, and after that's done, naturally, they'll send you (this word makes me very uncomfortable) on your way to become a god."

  I was very curious and asked: "What about the second option?"

  "The second option was proposed by the Queen Mother, meaning that since you like that little demon, test your relationship for three lifetimes; if you can be together lifetime after lifetime, then let you become immortals together."

  I straightened up and said, "The story is wonderful, but I haven't eaten yet, goodbye." However, this old immortal grabbed me: "What can I do to make you believe that I am an immortal?"

  I lazily said: "If you don't let go, I'll use a brick to slap your face!"

  "Why don't you try it then - I mean why don't you say something and let me prove that I'm a god?"

  "You'd have to turn me into a woman first!" I glanced at the billboard across the street and saw Zhang Ziyi's picture. "Turn me into Zhang Ziyi, then I'll believe you."

  I'm so stupid, really (Xianglin Sao's words). Actually made such a perverted request.

  This old man pointed at me, and I felt something was wrong without him saying anything. My brother, though not as "handsome" as an AV actor, disappeared like a grain of rice in a 12-level typhoon! I covered my crotch, and this old bastard actually pushed me onto the street, shouting loudly: "Look at Zhang Ziyi!"

  The first to discover me were two "dinosaurs" wandering on the street, these two women weighed at least 300 kilograms together. After hearing the old man's shout, they glanced over unintentionally and then screamed as if a stranger's hand had been inserted into their pants. Fortunately, it was just after noon, and fortunately, I wore black silk shirt and 7-split trousers, lowering my head without drawing attention from others.

  In the midst of a tremendous earthquake, two dinosaurs charged towards me. I had no choice but to use my tongue to push against the upper palate, and with a loud cry, I employed the "Drought Land Pulling Scallions" technique to jump (climb) into the park wall. Through the railing, I desperately begged the old wizard: "Quickly turn me back!"

  At this time, the two dinosaurs were only a wall away from me. One of them grasped the railing and shook it slightly, and the entire wall began to collapse. I stretched out one hand through the railing and cried out in despair: "Ruhua, you go ahead, don't worry about me..."

  ...After a long period of confusion, the old god stick finally turned me back, then he put on a pair of sunglasses, took out a pen-like thing, and said to the two dinosaurs: "Look here..." With a click, the two dinosaurs were stunned (see "Men in Black" for details). But after being stunned for a while - "Zhang Ziyi!" one of the dinosaurs shouted. The old god stick sweated profusely, muttering: "It seems that Western goods are unreliable..."

  Few words, less prologue; the book is returned to its rightful owner.

  "Do you believe I'm an immortal?"

  "What do you want me to do, say it." I, who had recovered my male form, still maintained a somewhat arrogant tone. Even if he was an immortal, I had 50 cents in my pocket, what could he do to me?

  "Don't be emotional, I'm here to help you. Do you still remember what I told you? As long as you do things for them, they'll let you ascend to heaven."

  "What are you going to do first?" Actually, I'm not interested in becoming an immortal. What's the point of being a five-star general? Flirting with Chang'e will still turn me into a moonlit pig-man.

  "The underworld has been in a state of unrest recently. The reason is that the judge attended the wedding of Yan Wang's younger brother and got drunk, reducing the lifespan of many people on the book of life by one year. To make up for it, Yan Wang had to introduce the policy of 'shortening one year and adding two' or even 'shortening one year and adding three', which would add that year to their next life. However, you should know that those ordinary people are easy to deal with, but some people are not willing to accept this, such as historical figures and emperors. They have a strong background, and Yan Wang does not dare to offend them. He had no choice but to agree to let them return to the world of the living for another year of carefree life."

  "What does this have to do with me?"

  "Don't you ever think, if we were to send them back to their own era, what kind of consequences would arise? In this one year, how would Liu Bang and Xiang Yu turn out, how would Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi turn out, would Li Shimin kill Wu Zetian or not, could Genghis Khan change the map of today? Not to mention these people, if Li Bai and Du Fu were to stay in this mundane world for another year, who knows what kind of works that would influence future generations they would produce, what other strange and wonderful things Cai Lun would invent - do you understand what I'm saying?"

  "It's almost like the domino effect, any one of them going back could potentially reshape history, so we can't let them go back to their own time." I said that and immediately felt things were about to get worse. "You're not planning on bringing all those people here, are you?"

  The old man smiled complacently, and said with a smile: "Who says it's not? Yan Wang deceived them to take them to the 'World Outside Paradise' to make up for one year of yangshou, and this 'World Outside Paradise' refers to you."

  Now Yan Wang's underlings are in a mess, the immortal realm is looking for someone to take the blame, it seems that this matter can't be avoided, otherwise wouldn't it become "what about me what about you"?.

  I pretended to be hesitant and said, "Is there any activity fee? First, get a few hundred million to spend, since it's 'Paradise', I'll have to get a couple of ladies in cheongsam dresses, and then arrange for a few cranes or something?"

  I thought the old rascal would agree readily, but others' cross-through writings, like money and beautiful women, are just trivial props. But this detestable old rascal actually said: "Those things I don't care about, the Immortal Realm was meant to test you, think of a way yourself. And those people have seen all sorts of worlds, so don't bother. If you agree with me, I'll bring the first client back for you tonight."

  "But I..."

  "It's a deal: you help them resolve the issue, they make you immortal, so from now on we call these people clients. You can agree or not, if you don't agree..." The old god took out his sunglasses and put them on, then pulled out that pen-like object, "I'll take a shot at you, but I'm warning you in advance: this thing doesn't work very well, it's likely to make you forget many things, including your surname, name, parents, whether you're male or female, etc..."

  "You'd better say I've become an idiot!"

  The old man nodded thoughtfully and said, "Right, you've summarized it very accurately..."

  I pointed at Lao Shen's nose and told him sternly, "As an ordinary person, it is only right to do something for the Xian world. How can you doubt my enlightenment?"

  Things are like this, the old rascal said to me when he left: "Don't call me old rascal anymore, my name is Liu Laoliu. And tonight I will bring the client over to you..."

  Then Liu Laoliu led a tall and sturdy man who was dressed like a rustic to me, introducing him as Jing Ke.

  ……