17. The Bunny Man

  (Ballad) *

  1

  Beware the bunny man, my dears,

  Beware his clever ruse,

  Beware the man of all our fears

  We hear upon the news.

  Because I fear for all of you

  Who dare to go at night,

  Because I fear and often rue

  The day he took his flight.

  The two eloping teens had lost

  Their way into the wood,

  Because their car had broken down

  With smoke inside the hood.

  And so they walked until they found

  Somebody's cabin light

  Within the windows' curtained round,

  To them a blesséd sight.

  They crept and ventured with a knock,

  And once the door had oped, *

  They asked the woodsman for his help

  And hoped and hoped and hoped.

  The man acquiesced and took them in

  And bade them, "Sit and eat.

  I want to know what happened, so

  I'll get you on your feet."

  The girl could only blush in shame

  T' explain the reason why

  They came into the woods so late;

  The boy said with a lie,

  "We got a flat a couple miles

  Away from here, that's all;

  We need your help to have it fixed

  Or give someone a call."

  The woodsman looked at both of them

  And found the teens sincere,

  Agreeing to be of some help,

  Then said, just to be clear,

  "You two should count yourselves in luck

  To find me over here,

  Because these woods are dangerous,

  More so than they appear.

  "There was a prison complex here

  In nineteen-seventy,

  When Fairfax County was a small

  But cozy place to be.

  "But all that changed when it was closed

  To make the place 'secure,'

  When every inmate there was moved

  T' another place of cure.

  "The transfer of the inmates went

  Along without a hitch,

  Until the transfer bus had crashed

  Into a hidden ditch.

  "Some inmates died upon the hit

  That crumpled up the bus,

  But others fled into the night

  And caused a lot of fuss.

  "And off they ran with all the speed

  Their legs could strain to bear,

  But one by one they all were caught,

  Save one to our despair.

  "The parties searched throughout the woods

  But could not find their man,

  And pretty soon they all gave up,

  Abandoning their plan.

  "Within the passing days emerged

  So many carcasses

  Of eaten rabbits locals found

  That caused them much distress.

  "The rabbit carcasses were found

  A-hanging from the trees,

  Like ghastly Christmas ornaments

  A-swinging in the breeze!

  "And so another search was called

  To find their missing guy

  And found to their astonishment

  A person's corpse—oh my!

  "What's worse, his mutilated corpse

  Was hanging from the tree,

  A ghastly Christmas ornament

  A-swinging by his knee!

  "Authorities redoubled all

  Their efforts to arrest

  The man they dubbed the 'bunny man'

  And put the case to rest.

  "Their searching found his hiding place,

  A simple lodge that stored

  A bunny suit with rabbit ears

  And rabbit corpses gored.

  "But they could never find the fiend

  Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

  That carried out these deeds

  And so were forced to give it up,

  Until they got more leads.

  "But soon the killer's trail grew cold

  And nothing could be done,

  And so they gave it up for good,

  Because the fiend had won!

  "Beware the bunny man, my dears,

  Beware his clever ruse,

  Beware the man of all our fears

  We hear upon the news."

  2

  The teens had awful chills of fear

  Run up and down their spines,

  While in their hearts they felt each pulse

  That fear of death divines.

  The two were nearly frozen stiff

  In shock and awe and fear,

  So as their host he calmed them down

  By offering good cheer.

  And once they were placated thus,

  He spun another tale,

  A tale the two could much relate,

  A taller tale that they'll

  Remember when they leave his place;

  He said, "I still believe

  Those urban legends parents tell

  Their kids before they leave.

  "Those warning tales of lovers' lane

  Are every bit as true

  As apple pie and whipping cream,

  Although they rarely screw."

  "I'm not too sure we want to know,"

  The girl protested shame,

  "And why should you relate to us

  So personal a claim?"

  He said, "You need to tell your kids

  To never venture out

  Into the woods alone at night,

  Or even take this route.

  "Just seven years ago, I've heard,

  A couple just like you

  Had come into a lovers' lane

  Not far from here, it's true.

  "I've heard that when they fooled around

  The two were heedless of

  The danger that was near them both,

  As they were making love.

  "Indeed, a tragic tale, I know;

  But I knew more than most

  Of what became of these two fools,

  As I am wont to boast.

  "Their names were Marianne and Stan,

  Or so the legends say,

  Who heard a noise outside their car;

  So Stan asked her to stay

  "Inside the car and lock the doors,

  While he checks out the noise

  That interrupted them that night—

  Ah, such are foolish boys!

  "And so poor Marianne must wait,

  So wait and wait did she,

  Until the minutes passed and passed

  The devil's hour of three. **

  "With every hour that had elapsed,

  She worried all the more

  For her brave boyfriend to return

  Without a scratch or sore.

  "But soon enough the slumber came

  And overtook her will

  To stay awake and stay alert,

  For Stan was out there still.

  "And as her senses dulled with sleep,

  She thought she heard a brush

  Above her head upon the roof,

  Mistaken for a thrush.

  "And so she slept a peaceful sleep

  Until the morning after,

  When she awoke to find police,

  Impending some disaster.

  "Confused and scared and bleary-eyed,

  She nearly panicked when

  (Police escorting her away),

  She turned around then—

  "She saw her lover hanging there

  Above the very car

  She slept in, hanging from his knees,

  A grisly sight bizarre!

  "So now she knew what she had heard

  When drifting off to sleep—

  Her lover's fingers rapping on

  The roof when counting sheep!

  "Could you imagine such a shock,

  Or how it must have seemed?

  They say she went insane with fright

  And screamed and screamed and screamed.

  "They say the bunny man had struck

  And made police the blame,

  Who could not catch their wily man

  Of legendary fame.

  "The words I speak are very true,

  As true as murdered Stan;

  So never venture over here:

  Beware the bunny man!"

  3

  The man concludes his anecdote

  That freaked the couple out,

  Their faces pale and wet with sweat—

  So creepy was this lout. ***

  And yet the man, with all his guile,

  Had calmed them down a bit,

  So that they need not have to fear

  Their host's eccentric wit.

  So after they complete their meals,

  He offered them a place

  To sleep inside his cozy room,

  And closed it just incase,

  To keep the noises down for them

  To slumber peacefully;

  And so they slept within their arms,

  Face to face, he to she.

  But little does the couple know

  The danger they are in,

  Because their host had other thoughts

  Of such horrendous sin.

  He donned his bunny suit and ears

  And took his favorite axe

  From off the shelf, preparing for

  The latest of attacks;

  He'd give them both their just deserts,

  He'd give them each their whacks;

  He'd butcher them upon the bed

  And stuff them both in sacks.

  And then he'd carry both of them

  And string them up like rabbits,

  A-swinging in the breezy air—

  Such were his practiced habits.

  So in he crept with all the stealth

  Of silent ghostly tread

  And raised his arm to give the blows—

  And filled the night with dread.

  They say that you could almost hear

  The screams that fateful night,

  And when the screaming wanes and dies,

  You'll hear his laughter's spite.

  Because I fear for all of you

  Who dare to go at night,

  Because I fear and often rue

  The day he took his flight.

  Beware the bunny man, my dears,

  Beware his clever ruse,

  Beware the man of all our fears

  We hear upon the news.

  FINISH