"URF!"

  The boniest fragments of Jimmy Jack's ass ground-pounded off the murky floor of the cave, barely missing fatal penetration from a nearby pointy rock. Picking himself up, an act that required two takes thanks to the dank dew, Jimmy Jack tried his best to collect his bearings. He had no idea where he had fallen to. All he knew was that he was in deep shit.

  "I promised myself my ass was never goin' spelunkin'," JJ whined. It was too dark, too cold, too empty. He wasn't a Scout. How was he supposed to get out of here?

  "Brave hero, come hither," cooed an angelic voice from the painstakingly obvious beacon of light 100 paces ahead.

  "Who? Me?" Jimmy Jack pointed to the lone man in the cavern.

  "Do not be modest, champion. My home yearns for an emancipator."

  "Look, lady, I ain't in the bug-killing business. Find somebody else."

  "Why do you deny your destiny? We need your help. My people are in grave peril."

  "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" Jimmy Jack finally reached the middle of the beam. "JESUS!"

  "Oh dear!"

  The snap had sent him back five yards. A raven-haired woman with flowing locks had manifested out of nowhere. It was an odd way to greet somebody but it was clear she was no heel. Her presence was as confusing as his location. There had to be a reason he of all people had wound up in this smelly dwelling. She had mentioned something about "destiny," although he had only been paying half attention. Jimmy Jack had always been sure it was up to him to right the world's wrongs. It was time to find out what was what. He had to ask the pressing question.

  "How old are you?"

  "I'm 25, the same age I was when I was struck down 400 years ago."

  "Oh, whew," Jimmy Jack was 90% sure it wouldn't be weird he found her hot but it was nice that weight was off his back.

  "That tongue?"

  "Hey," Jimmy Jack reflexively grabbed his speech organ in self-consciousness. "I can say the same for you, lady!"

  "No, your language. It sounds Hydenfellian but not quite so?"

  "Oh, I speak American."

  "Never heard of your people. Are you from beyond The Barrier?"

  "Iunna," Jimmy Jack mumbled. He always tuned out during the geography questions on Jeopardy.

  "Your heritage does not matter. All that counts is you have arrived to save Hydenfell from my uncle, the odious Gnarl."

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  "Look, Gypsy Rose, if you want to off a family member, that's your business, but leave me out of it."

  "You don't understand! Gnarl has devolved Hydenfell into ruin. Ever since that night he stormed my father's castle and forcibly named himself ruler, my homeland has been trampled. Every citizen, from the Snaggles in Sacred Swamp to the Talen in Mount Frost, dare not speak out against his reign lest they be punished. As a young girl, I remember hearing a tale of a warrior from another land who would one day heal a wounded nation in the absence of the Gods. Now, you are here."

  "Ok."

  "I am Princess Jacinta. What is your name?"

  "Jimmy Jack Doyle!"

  "I see. That is your full title?"

  "Well, my middle names are Dale and Gordon. NASCAR was hot in the '90s and mama couldn't choose a favorite. Hell, just call me Jimmy Jack!"

  "Noble Jimmy Jack, I'm afraid the mission I ask of you is one of great peril, fraught with danger."

  "Ok."

  "I beg you, travel to the green hills of Generica, the lava pits of Rongotongo, the waters of Obligatoria. In these biomes, you will encounter the Three Trials. Pass them all and gain the trust of the Sword Spirit who shall grant you the ability to wield the Blade of Benevolence, the only weapon that can damage my uncle in his heightened state of arcane power. From there, you must then ring the Five Bells hidden in fortresses most intimidating, one for each of the deities who breathed life into our world. They have been slumbering since time began. Once upon a time, all it took was one creator to fight back against evil but Gnarl has further fortified his stranglehold by making a deal with Xerqe, the daemon who presides over Hale with an iron fist. It is said the Apex Daemon merged with my uncle. Goodwin knows the visage hiding under his skin."

  "So," Jimmy Jack scratched his head. "I gotta complete three dungeons, get a kick ass weapon and then beat five more dungeons so I can get some help in whupping the ass of some freak who stole your dad's throne?"

  "In a sense, yes?"

  "So, it's just Zelda?"

  "Whatever do you mean?"

  "Zelda? The Legend of Zelda? It's only the second or third most popular video game franchise of all time? I mean, it's so huge, surely it's made its way out here."

  "I'm afraid I'm unaware."

  "Come on, it's close to 40 years old. You've never heard of it?"

  "Jimmy Jack, there is no time to waste."

  "Fine. What do I do first?"

  "You will need some tools. I have some basic necessities but unfortunately, some of the items you will require have been hidden by Gnarl's forces. Here is a starter sword, a starter shield, a wallet to store your Purls, some torches in case there are puzzles that require transporting fire, a stunning weapon you might not even choose to use, a map of Hydenfell, a basic didgeridoo that should serve you until you find my enchanted didgeridoo, a bottle, a crystal that will allow us to communicate over realms..."

  "Hold on, I can't carry all of that!"

  "Forgive me, you will also need this tunic. It has hammerspace."

  "Hammerspace?" Jimmy Jack also made sure to ask Jacinta to turn away so she didn't see his 'shirt by the pool' physique as he changed into his new garb.

  "Just stow the items away. They will be weightless until you desire to use them."

  "Can I pull out a Baconator?"

  "I'm afraid you can only take out things you've already collected."

  "This sword is pretty sweet. I've actually never swung one before."

  "You've never used a sword?" Jacinta's gentle demeanor turned aghast. "But those blemishes on your discarded attire? Are they not the remnants of slain monsters?"

  "Oh, I mean I've never swung this brand before!"

  "That is most reassuring. For a moment, I thought there may have a mistake."

  "Cinty, honey, Jimmy Jack Doyle has never made mistake in his life!"

  "Now that you have your instructions, go forth! Be warned: my power of protection is limited to this small area. You shall face dangers even here in the Cave of Tutoria."

  "I'll be alright. Besides, if I die, it's right back here with you, right?"

  "No? If you die, you die."

  "Oh, I was just joking," Jimmy Jack did a poor imitation of a laugh, turning back to see if there was a ladder behind him that would allow him to opt out. No dice.