[Goddess' Chamber – Stock Fantasy Edition]
The first thing Kirido noticed, after blinking away the Truck-kun afterimages, was that the place looked aggressively... generic.
Not just regular fantasy. Stock asset fantasy.
Marble tiles floated at random intervals above an endless void, complete with railings so OSHA could pretend they cared. Glowing trees, suspiciously labeled "Tree_Asset_03" at the base, shimmered in impossible pastel colors. A sky waterfall flowed upward like some intern had forgotten how gravity works.
Somewhere in the distance, background music trilled—an unholy fusion of every JRPG menu theme ever composed, complete with kazoo undertones.
At the center of it all stood the Goddess of Summoning? (patent pending), wearing the world's most aggressively impractical dress. Her celestial glow flickered slightly, like a dying LED bulb.
Before her, still smelling faintly of Monster energy drinks and gacha salt, was Kirido—an underfed NEET drowning in a hoodie three sizes too big, carrying the solemn, broken aura of a man who had just lost another 50/50 banner pull.
The goddess cleared her throat, tapping her clipboard in annoyance.
"You, Kirido, have been chosen to save the world of..." She squinted at the paper. "...'Alderoth: The Swordening.' Or maybe it was 'The Swordening: Alderoth.' Screw it. Generic Fantasy Online."
Kirido nodded, as if that made sense. As if he hadn’t, two hours ago, thrown his phone at a wall while screaming "CURSE YOU, PITY SYSTEM!" and been immediately vaporized by a speeding garbage truck.
Behind him, five other figures were very obviously failing their stealth checks:
Curtis "Spreadsheet" Lowe, scribbling furiously in a notebook, calculating the goddess' BS-to-word ratio in real time.
Marvin "Wiki" Tran, whispering, "According to tropes, her boob window means she’s either final boss or romanceable."
Trish "RedFlag" Calder, miming stabbing the sparkle aura around Kirido with increasingly sharp finger gestures.
Zach "Kazap" Miller, muttering something about casting Summon IRS Audit under his breath (nat 20; the goddess' halo flickered noticeably).
Kenny "WaifuWarlock" Simmons, rehearsing terrible pickup lines: "Hey girl, are you a loading screen? Because I’d wait forever for you."
The goddess, very professionally ignoring them, forced a radiant smile.
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[The "Broken" Gift Scene]
"With but a snap of your left hand," she declared, spreading her arms wide (and glitching slightly at the seams), "you may access your skill tree and status menu! Focus your soul, and the system shall grant what you pursue most!"
Kirido flexed his fingers like a man about to drop the hottest Yu-Gi-Oh combo of 1997. A holographic menu popped into existence.
[SKILL TREE: ERROR]
"Sword Proficiency (Default)"
"Basic Human Decency (Locked)"
"Plot Armor (Already Maxed)"
The goddess didn't seem to notice, still on autopilot. "Now, choose: a legendary, broken ability... or a legendary, broken weapon."
The peanut gallery sprang into action.
"Bet he picks 'Unlimited Laundry Summon' or something dumb," Spreadsheet muttered.
"Statistically," Wiki intoned, "82% of protagonists pick swords due to obvious Freudian compensation."
"I’ll duel his ass right now if he picks a katana," RedFlag grumbled, cracking his knuckles.
"I cast Tax Evasion on his entire future," Kazap added.
Kirido, deep in serious consideration (read: picking the shiniest thing), selected a sword that looked like a lightsaber had drunkenly fused with a claymore.
Its name flashed dramatically across the void:
> "The Buster Moonblade of Fate’s Edge: Reforged (Limited Edition)."
The goddess beamed like a proud MLM recruiter. Triumphant music swelled. Kirido took a bold step forward into destiny—
—and immediately tripped over his own shoes, landing face-first with the grace of a dying Wi-Fi signal.
[The Jackass Reveal]
The second Kirido faceplanted, the goddess' smile shattered. Her glow dimmed into a flickering candle at a Walmart clearance sale.
"Right. You five," she said, pointing at the group of chaos goblins behind him. "Do you even remember why you're here?"
They responded in synchronized idiot harmony:
"Field trip?" said Spreadsheet.
"I think we died petting a rabid opossum?" guessed Wiki.
"PvP tournament. I won," RedFlag said smugly.
"We definitely licked a battery while holding hands," Kazap contributed.
"Worth it," WaifuWarlock declared, nodding solemnly.
The goddess sighed and summoned a celestial PowerPoint that flickered ominously.
"You all electrocuted yourselves trying to 'share the load' like it was fucking Lord of the Rings. Cardiac arrest in 3-5 business seconds. Your world's God officially labeled you 'too dumb to reincarnate normally.' Congratulations—you’re side characters now."
There was a pause. Then, the five idiots high-fived so hard the marble floor cracked. Somewhere in the distance, a seagull screeched in approval.
[Denied Protagonism]
"But wait," Spreadsheet protested, shoving his hand in the air like a school nerd. "Do we get broken powers?"
The goddess laughed—a sound so cold it could've flash-frozen Australia.
"Chosen One privilege," she said sweetly.
"1v1 me, coward," RedFlag challenged immediately, but the goddess simply mashed the universal Yeet button on her console.
A gaping portal opened under their feet, sucking them in as her final words echoed across the void:
"Try not to break the entire fucking plot—"
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
> Quest Accepted: Break the Entire Fucking Plot.
[Spawning into Generic Town #7]
They hit the ground hard, bouncing across cobblestone streets like trash-tier ragdolls. Around them, the town stretched out like every fantasy starter village ever designed:
A tavern named "The Plot Convenience Inn"
A quest board offering the classic "Kill 10 Rats (Mandatory)"
A grumpy shopkeeper whose only dialogue was "Buy something or fuck off."
WaifuWarlock staggered to his feet, brushing hay out of his hoodie.
"I seduce the town," he announced proudly.
He rolled a D20 with a flourish... and it landed upright in a steaming cow patty.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
> New Reputation: Town Menace (Rank 1).
Reward: -5 Sanity (Local Population).
Kazap, wiping cow dung off his boots, pointed to the nearest NPC. "I cast Fist."
The shopkeeper, without even blinking, ducked the punch and handed them a battered scroll.
It read:
> "A Party of Dumbasses: Emergency Protocol "
Do Not Feed
Do Not Acknowledge
Do Not Make Eye Contact"
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION]
> Achievement Unlocked: Designated Disaster.
And so, with zero plan, less than zero braincells, and 100% lobotomy potential, the Balls of MMO began their glorious shitpost of a journey.
Somewhere far, far away, Kirido froze mid-step, feeling a sudden chill down his spine.
The universe itself seemed to whisper in his ear:
"You’re so fucked."
Next chapter : [ Tutorial Shenanigans Arc ] Doing the Mandatory
