The streets of Salene are quiet tonight and I’m grateful. I pass by a few open pubs, and I’m tempted to go inside before I remember the decapitated head in my bag. Luckily, the fabric is completely absorbent unlike my old one, so at least there isn’t blood dripping down my pants. I take a deep breath, and my lungs fill with the crisp autumn air. It smells like firewood, wet leaves, and damp soil. There’s a clear shift in temperature as I get closer to the center of the city. I can feel my brow start to get cmmy under the hood of my cloak. All I need right now is to start sweating...the thought alone makes me all too aware of the blood under my nails and in my hair.

  Perhaps, you wouldn’t sweat so much if you lost weight. The voice says simply.

  Charming. I think back, unamused and roll my eyes.

  I sigh and continue walking down the dirt road listening to the muffled sounds of ughter that slip through the open pub windows. I look up as I pass by the Wheat and Rye and wonder if Sienna or Cra are inside, but my thought is immediately interrupted when two men stumble out of the front door and almost knock into me.

  I grip the bag tightly and pull it closer to my body. Even if I did drop it, even if the head rolled out of the bag and id at their feet, there’s nothing that they would do about it. One fsh of the V branded in the middle of my forearm, and there’s nothing they could do about it. They’re so drunk they don’t even notice me there. I open my mouth to say something but decide against it. There’s no point in making them feel stupid if they won’t even remember it in the morning. I turn my back towards them and move to continue on my journey home until I hear one of them say, “I hear that the King’s Valere are missing.”

  I stop dead in my tracks, curiosity prickling at the back of my mind. Missing? I pretend that my boots need to be retied, and I squat down, listening intently under my bck cloak. The head makes a thud on the ground next me. The one who’s speaking looks about two seconds away from either barfing or passing out. He’s tall and thin and I can tell by the holes in his clothing and smell coming off him that he’s no one of rank or importance.

  “What you mean missing?” The other man asks, swaying back and forth.

  “I mean, they’re missin’. The King sent them away on business somepce. But you know what I think, I think that he—” he drags his finger along his throat. Oddly enough mimicking exactly what I was doing not even an hour ago. I turn my head to gce at the men from under my hood; he looks like he’s going to continue speaking until he spots me and grabs his friend’s arm, pulling him down the street. I watch them stumble away in the dark, talking about things that shouldn’t be said aloud.

  Sure, King Rava is not really known for being the fairest or the nicest, despite the fact that he was chosen by the Gods. But to suggest that he killed his own guard… the unit that he created? That wouldn’t make sense. I still don’t know what he was chosen for... I don’t think anyone but him does. But what I do know is that tely, I’ve been given more assignments than usual. Maybe they’re trying to eliminate suspects? Who fucking knows.

  My knees crack loudly as I stand up and I groan. I’m too young to feel this old and worn down. I continue walking back home, letting my mind wander to what the two drunks were just discussing. If someone killed King Rava’s Varean unit… that means that there would be an opening. My heart starts fluttering at the mere thought of it. A way out. You still need to complete the ceremony, the voice says, and immediately my sense of hope falters. My stomach dips slightly at the thought of the ceremony. What if I don’t get chosen? What if my power is me or useless or—Stop. I shove those thoughts away as I reach the gates of the Valh, the enormous compound that is comprised of a school, training ground, and residence for graduated students. There are two guards stationed outside of the gates, both holding long spears. I lower my hood, and they look at the rank stitched on my cloak, then bang the butt of their weapon on the ground as a greeting and sign of respect. They move in unison and open the gate to let me pass.

  “Thanks,” I say bending a little at the waist, causing the head to tumble forward. Why the fuck did it have to be decapitation? It seems like they all have been tely and no matter what way I do it, I always manage to get blood on me. I quickly slip through the gate and walk up the gray stone steps to the huge front door and yank it open.

  Once inside the hollow facility that I have called home for all twenty-eight years of my life, I let out a low sigh. I’m met with unusual silence in the hall. There are usually people walking around the halls at all hours of the day, but I don’t see anyone tonight. Could be because the Ceremony is in a few days and people want to rest up. The smell of old damp stone surrounds me, and I take a deep breath; it’s both comforting and depressing all at once. I make my way through the long empty hallway but pause when I reach the dining room. I hear loud voices and ughter and when I look inside, I see Cra and Weston pying cards at the long center table. Both have red faces which makes sense seeing as there are about six empty bottles of beer around them. Weston sees me and shoots me a look that says please help.

  “I can tell by the look on your face that, Wes, that you’re losing.” I say as I approach them, stopping at the head of the long wooden table.

  He looks up at me and narrows his eyes. “I’m losing because Cra is a cheater,” he says looking back at his cards, frowning.

  “I am not!” Cra says. “I’m just better at this game than you are.” She shrugs, then looks up at me and smiles making her crimson cheeks look like tiny little apples. I grin at her and roll my eyes.

  Cra was sent to the Valh when she was seven, and we became instant friends. She was initially sent here to pay for her parent’s debt, like most children. The Valh will wave a family’s debt in exchange for the child’s admission. Really, it’s a way for the King to acquire free bor and free soldiers. Once you graduate to Valere you owe nothing but loyalty, honor, and duty to King Rava. No questions asked.

  “Where’s Sienna?” I ask as I gnce around.

  “She was here earlier,” Wes says, furrowing his brow as he picks up a new card. “She went back to her rooms so she could get up early and train.”

  “Irving… did you not deposit the head?” She cocks an eyebrow at the satchel, and points. There is no hint of disgust on her face, just a simple question. Decapitation is not always required, but it’s not unusual. I guess it’s a good way to ensure that the job is done. Like a good little Valere, I don’t ask questions and to be honest, I don’t really care why the King wants these people dead. I just need to ensure that the head makes in down the deposit chute. Or the leg, or arm, or tongue, or eyes…

  “I forgot,” I give her a sheepish grin. “I was on my way to deposit it when I heard this annoyingly loud ugh, but I should’ve assumed it was you.”

  She rolls her eyes and looks at her cards then looks to Wes with a mischievous smile and flips her hand face up. I let out a low whistle when I see the cards; she has the best hand you can have.

  “What the fuck, Cra! There’s no fucking way…” Wes says in disbelief, smming down his cards. “I don’t even have enough coin on me to pay you right now.” His puts his elbows on the table with his face in his hands and runs his fingers through his long shaggy blonde hair; it’s the look of pure defeat.

  “That just means you owe me double tomorrow. C’mon Irv, I’ll walk with you to our rooms.” She says smugly and gets up from the table. “Goodnight,” she taunts, her tone ced with satisfaction.

  “Yeah whatever,” he mutters under his breath, moving to pick up the cards. “’Night fucker. Goodnight Irv.”

  “Night Wes,” I send him a sympathetic smile as Cra, and I turn and head out the dining hall towards to deposit room. We head down the long hallway lined with paintings of notorious Commanding Valere throughout the years. They all look rigid, harsh, and unfriendly. It’s nice to know that some things never change.

  “Do you want to know a secret,” Cra asks once we’re a ways down the empty hall, our footsteps loud on the stone marble floor.

  “Always,” I say gncing over to her.

  “I was cheating,” she whispers and gives a small mischievous ugh.

  I chuckle and knock into her slightly. “You are a brat. You know that?”

  She shrugs and flips her long chestnut brown hair across her shoulder. “Oh whatever, he’s good at everything. He can be bad at one thing.”

  “But you were cheating,” I point out. “He could be good at cards too.”

  She purses her lips and thinks about this for a moment. “He can think he’s bad at one thing,” she amends, satisfied with herself. I continue snickering under my breath until we’re feet away from the rge deposit chute that sits tucked away down a small hallway. A girl wearing the students clothing is walking towards us with her head down. I clean my throat, and she sees me and Cra and immediately stands up with the perfect posture.

  “Good evening, captain Irving, officer Cra” she says in a voice that tells me she’s slightly nervous. Good. She should be nervous. You never know who is watching you here, waiting to report you for the most mundane and asinine thing. The amount of competition here is never-ending. The punishments are never ending.

  “Evening,” Cra says in a tone nicer than usual, curtesy of the six bottles of amber ale she had while cheating.

  “What are you doing roaming the halls this te?” we walk past her to the deposit chute, and I open it, the bag and head making too entirely too much noise for how quiet it is. Students aren’t allowed out past midnight, and I feel nosey. If she were caught by anyone else, she would most definitely be punished.

  She gives us an uneasy smile. “Um, I was…um...” She stutters and her face flushes. No doubt she was in some other student’s room doing Gods know what.

  “Can you not remember, or do you just not want to say?” I ask her, holding her gaze. Her blue eyes are dying to look away, but she holds my stare.

  Her cheeks flush and she looks down. I know that she’s embarrassed but maybe it will help motivate her to be more prepared and alert here.

  Yeah, because Diana keeping you on your toes was really helpful. The voice says.

  It was though.

  At what cost? I groan internally, and I can feel the voice and its dark cloud settle to the back of my mind.

  “I-I’m sorry if I have upset you,” her voice is sweet and soft. She does not belong here. Just another sweet soul that will be forever changed and scarred from this pce.

  “Stop,” I hold up my hand and look at her. “You haven’t.” She furrows her brow, confused. “Just keep your head on a swivel whenever you leave whosever room you’re coming from. The other students are looking for you to make a mistake and to take advantage of it.” I say.

  She looks between me and Cra, her eyes quickly darting back and forth.

  “Uh,” she swallows and recovers quickly. “Thank you, captain Irving.” She gives a slight nod. “Thank you, officer Cra.”

  “I didn’t do anything.” Cra says with a shrug and a hiccup.

  “Head back to your room and be sneakier about it next time.” I just want her to make it back to her rooms safely. Gods forbid she were to run into Aarick. If he caught her, she would already be on her way to his office to receive a completely disproportionate punishment. I stifle the shiver that threatens to overcome me at the thought.

  She nods her head and swallows. I hold her nervous gaze, wanting her to know how serious I am.

  I wonder what her story is, what brought her to Valh. She’s so thin and frail that she can’t have been here long. Her blond hair looks bleached by the sun, and her skin is a deep almond. Maybe she came from one of the isnds.

  “If you’re stopped again, tell them that I already spoke to you, and you have already received your punishment.” I say sternly.

  “What is my punishment?” She asks quietly and full of fear.

  “I think everyone deserves one slip up. Tell them it’s between you and captain Irving.” Her eyes go wide, and I turn away, Cra quickly following suit, towards our rooms.

  ***

  Cra and I are quiet on the way back to our rooms. We decided to walk the outside corridor so that we could take in the fresh air. Luckily, we are on the same side of the graduates’ wings, just three doors away. Her room is first, and before she opens her door, she turns to me.

  “You’re not going to report her? Or punish her?” The question is curious, not suspicious. As graduated Valere, we are to report anything suspicious or against the rules to leadership.

  “No,” I say confidently.

  “Why not?” Her tone still full of curiosity. I’m not usually one to break the rules, though it’s not completely unheard of. “Has graduation made you soft?”

  I look at her and shrug. “Maybe I felt like cheating the rules a little bit, too.”

  Her face lights up in a grin and she giggles. Then she tells me goodnight and closes her door, as I turn to walk to my own room. I touch the knob and hear the click of a lock. The graduates’ doors all open by handprint authorization. Soon though, after the Ceremony, I’ll be able to lock my doors with whatever power the Gods gift me.

  I close and relock the door behind me, before I strip off my cloak, long-sleeve bck shirt, boots, cotton pants, socks, undergarments, and undo the tight bun on top of my head letting my hair fall down my back. There’s fleck of dried blood in my blond hair and I grimace. Every fucking time. I sigh and walk naked and cold into my bathroom suite and look at myself in the mirror.

  Ugh. I pinch my belly that hangs over more than it’s supposed to, and frown. I let out a dramatic sigh, roll my eyes and move to the shower. I turn the knob for hot water and wait a minute for the pipes to heat. I look at myself again and take in the scars that mar my body all over; they’re all fairly small, but I notice each and every one. Some of them were earned during sparring and training, and yet, I hate them. Some of them were earned during assignments; I hate those ones the most.

  Don’t you want to contribute? I ask the darkness, noticing it’s absence.

  I expect it to join in my self-loathing, to become a solid presence like it usually does. It doesn’t, it just remains in the back of my mind, unmoving, curled up like a bck shadowy dog. Not tonight.

  Why? I challenge. I step into the shower and give a small moan of pleasure from the hot water. It feels so nice on my aching body.

  I wait for the voice to talk back, but it’s quiet. I watch the hot water roll off my legs, unsure what to think or say. Then I feel a ugh burst from my throat.

  You can’t ever give me what I want, can you? I want to feel the added yer of self-loathing tonight… I want to feel justified in my disgust towards myself. Then I feel it. As soft as a lover’s caress, the darkness spreading slowly over my mind, thickening in shape and intensity just slightly, just enough to prove that it could give me what I want; it could make the self-loathing feel so much better, and yet, it doesn’t.

  What is it you want, Irving?

  Old memories race through my mind, and I stand there unmoving for what feels like hours. I finish the shower in silence, and I don’t provoke the darkness again. After I brush through my knotted hair and put on clean sleep shorts and a sweatshirt, I move over to my bed only to find a rolled-up paper with a wax seal waiting on my pillow. I pick it up and move back the covers on the bed and y down underneath.

  Of course, Diana would use her magic to personally deliver this. It doesn’t matter that this will be the fourth assignment this week or that I’ve just finished one mere hours ago. It seems like Diana loves to disrupt my day any moment she can. The red wax seal has the cursive V for Valere. I crack it open and read the details of the person I am to kill tomorrow.