I

  The sound of his alarm clock woke Shinji from a dreamless sleep. What was commonplace for others, was something special for the teenage boy. On his usual days, he was awake long before the alarm clock went off. He didn’t know why he still made the effort to set the alarm. It was an old habit from a time when he was just a normal boy.

  But that morning was different. As he stared at the all familiar ceiling, he thought about the events from last night. They had actually talked. And not just that. He had told her about his dreams. He had never told anyone about his dreams, not even the school psychiatrist. And the smile she had given him… It was an honest smile. He absently touched his face. An unfamiliar and nearly forgotten sensation crept over it.

  He put his SDAT-player away and stood up. Once outside his room, he made his way to the bathroom to get ready for the day. As he passed the doors of his two roommates – Asuka’s door closed and Misato’s door half-open – he heard the snoring of his guardian. He peeked inside Misato’s room and as always he blushed because of the sight he was presented with: Her blanket tossed aside; her naked stomach and a small part of her scar revealed by her t-shirt that was too short; her long legs exposed by her shorts that were too tight. It was the same sight every morning. If he were an anime character, he would have died a long time ago due to extreme blood loss caused by a nosebleed.

  After his daily bath routine, he put on his school uniform and prepared himself to wake up Asuka.

  She wasn’t a morning person and he hated waking her up. It always ended with something flying in his direction. But today he somehow looked forward to it. Maybe he could talk to her again or she would tell him her nightmares. Maybe she would smile at him again…

  Still a bit nervous he knocked three times on her door and called her name, ?Asuka?“ Her reaction came a few seconds later, ?Go away!“

  He sighed. ?Asuka, come on! Do we have to do this every day?“ After not receiving an answer, he continued, ?I’m coming in. Sorry for intruding.“

  Shinji opened the door and immediately got hit by a flying object. Again. The object turned out to be a pillow this time but he protectively raised his hands anyhow and jumped back a little to avoid more things that would come flying his way. After a moment he began to lower his hands as a loud bang let him jerk again. He peered through his arms and saw that Asuka had slammed her door shut.

  But Shinji was in too good a mood to let this bring him down. After all, she really wasn’t a morning person. ?Well, at least you’re awake now. I’m in the kitchen, making breakfast,“ he said.

  As he slowly walked to the kitchen, he started to hum a song.

  II

  The smell of food and a strange sound woke Misato from her slumber. The loud bang of Asuka’s door minutes earlier had had no effect on her because she was used to this kind of noise in the morning. ?Too early…“ muttered the sleepy woman.

  It had only been a few hours since Misato had gone to bed. Being a Major of an organization such as NERV had its costs. All the paperwork and things you had to take care of – it would have kept at least ten people busy for a few days. Not to mention all the secrets that were buried there… Memories of Kaji began to surface in her mind but she closed that mental door immediately.

  Yawning, she stretched her legs and arms and tossed a few empty beer cans aside. Then she stood up, rubbed her eyes, and made her way to the kitchen where she found Shinji, who was making breakfast and sang a song just like every other day.

  Misato stopped dead in her tracks. Shinji, singing? She couldn’t fully understand the lyrics because Shinji was singing too softly and the water tap was running now but a few words came to her ear. She knew this song. She had heard it before on the radio but she couldn’t remember the name of the band. Shinji. Singing.

  The boy was still too absorbed in his actions that he hadn’t noticed her entering. And Misato was still too stunned to say anything. She just stood there with her mouth open.

  Finally, the shock lifted from her and she spoke up, ?Good morning, Shin-chan!“

  ?Ah, Misato!“ he said surprised. ?G… Good morning, I haven’t heard you coming in.“ As he faced her, Misato noticed a little blush on his face. And one more thing.

  ?My God, Shinji!“ Misato said, playfully shocked. ?What happened to your face?“

  ?What?“ Shinji touched it, panic-stricken. ?What is it? What’s with my face?“

  Misato grinned mischievously. ?Is that a smile?“

  ?Ha ha, very funny!“ said the boy as realization struck him. He returned his attention to the bentos in front of him. ?I can smile, too, you know.“

  ?Hm…“ Misato silently closed the gap between them and took Shinji in a headlock ?Who are you and what have you done to my Shinji?“

  ?Ah, Misato! Stop it!“ said an embarrassed Shinji, who was trying to get free of the painless but strong grip of his guardian.

  ?Tell me! Or do I have to get the secret NERV torture equipment?“ She ruffled his hair.

  ?No! Please! Let me –“

  ?Why don’t you two get a room? You make me sick…“

  ?Ah, Asuka! Give me a hand over here! This isn’t our real Shinji! He was smiling. And singing!“

  ?Good for him…,“ said a very grumpy looking redhead before she slumped down on a chair.

  Misato loosened her grip on Shinji who took his chance and broke away from her. ?Well, at least you’re as cheerful as ever,“ Misato said.

  ?Good morning, Asuka,“ said Shinji, ?did you…sleep well?“ He smiled at her.

  ?Do I look like I slept well?“ said Asuka.

  Misato looked at the two teenagers as their daily quarrel was about to start.

  ?Well…no. I’m –“ said Shinji.

  ?Just gimme my breakfast, okay?“ snapped Asuka.

  It really was like always and she should be used to it by now but today it made Misato angry. ?We know you are a sunshine in the morning but could you at least try and be a little bit nicer to Shinji? He does so much for you.“

  Asuka glared at her but that didn’t scare Misato. The malicious smile she was giving her the next moment however made her shiver. ?Oh, does he?“ Her voice was full of venom. Her chair screeched over the kitchen floor as she stood up.

  ?It’s okay Misato –“, the boy tried to ease the situation but Asuka cut him off, ?Shut up!“ Shinji flinched at her words.

  ?Easy, easy,“ said Misato.

  ?What did he do after I tried to kill myself?“

  ?Asuka, stop it“, Misato tried to calm the girl down.

  But Asuka didn’t hear her. She took a few steps toward Misato and continued, ?What did he do after this fucking angel raped my mind?“

  That put a surprised look on Misato’s face. And a glance at Shinji – who was slowly recovering – confirmed her thoughts. ?You don’t remember?“ she asked.

  ?Oh I remember,“ the redhead said, ?I remember how the crybaby hid somewhere safe, so I had to do all the work.“

  ?But my EVA unit was frozen by my father!“ Shinji said defensively.

  She looked at him and her glare was even more deadly than before. ?So you’re still not man enough to stand up to your old man? How pathetic. No wonder your mum killed herself and –“

  Asuka didn’t see Misato’s hand coming as it connected with her right cheek.

  ?That’s enough!“ the older woman said loud.

  Asuka stood there, silent, with her head down.

  ?Misato…“ whispered a shocked Shinji.

  ?Don’t you dare say that to Shinji! It’s true that he couldn’t help you with his EVA unit – no one could have helped you with this angel! But he was there for you after you had your mental breakdown. He was there for you after you tried to kill yourself. He was and is always there for you and you don’t remember? All you do is insult him and make his life miserable!“

  The air seemed suddenly thicker. Without a word the redhead turned around and walked slowly out of the kitchen.

  ?Asuka, please wait!“ Shinji tried to go after her but Misato stopped him, ?Shinji! Let her.“

  As the front door opened and closed, he still stood there, with his head down, and his back towards her. ?Why have you done that?“ His voice was low. He opened and closed his right fist.

  ?I’m sorry, Shinji, but I… I don’t see you smile every day, let alone hear you sing. I don’t want her to hurt you again, not after all you have done for her…“

  ?So you hurt her instead?“

  ?Shinji, look…“ Misato tried to touch him on his shoulder but the boy spun around and wiped her hand aside. ?I know you care about us, and we care about you but if you ever hurt her again…“ He looked at her with a cold expression on his face which she hadn’t seen on him before. ?I won’t forgive you.“

  The second time on this young day, Misato found herself in a position where she was speechless, so she just watched as Shinji was packing his stuff for school.

  ?I’m going to school. See you in the evening.“ With that he was gone.

  Minutes passed. The tiny door in the fridge opened and the fourth roommate waddled into the kitchen.

  ?What a great day this is, hm, Pen Pen?“ said Misato as she knelt down and pet the warm water penguin on his head. ?I should have just stayed in bed…“

  Pen Pen quacked approvingly.

  III

  Asuka stood before the elevator and pushed the buttons every few seconds as if this would bring up the elevator faster. With her other hand she touched her cheek. Misato had hit her hard; it would clearly leave a mark behind. But after it happened, Asuka was only surprised. It didn’t hurt. She felt nothing. She wasn’t even angry at Misato; she saw that coming anyway. Misato slapped all the anger from her which she had been feeling since she woke up this morning. Only emptiness defined her now.

  It had started so well last night – the talking, the laughing, the smiling… Of course she knew, her problem wouldn’t be gone with a quick chatter, a silly joke and a…warm smile. But she had hoped it would at least chase the nightmares away for one night. How naive she was.

  Obviously it worked for him. Her anger and bad mood had gotten worse when she heard him sing. Sometimes she wished she could be as simple minded as he was. But deep down inside she knew that wasn’t true. She knew that he had helped her and still offered her his help. All the accusations she spat out this morning where nothing but a cheap way to let go of her anger and to feel something.

  The red leather band on her left wrist suddenly caught her attention as her hand still pushed the up-button like a machine. It was a nice piece of clothing that hid a pretty ugly scar.

  As the elevator finally announced its arrival with a ping, she heard footsteps to her left coming closer. The elevator doors slid open and the footsteps stopped. She didn’t dare look to her left. She knew that Shinji would stand there, looking at her with his puppy dog eyes; saying that it was okay, that he wasn’t mad at her. But that would only make it worse.

  So she rushed into the elevator and pressed the button to the ground floor. He would take the stairs, as always.

  They walked the whole way to school in complete silence. She could see Shinji out of the corner of her eye, following her like a shadow, always a few steps behind her. More than once she thought about apologizing to him but she couldn’t bring herself to it. She hated this feeling, this tension that filled the air around them. She knew he wanted to say something, too. But he was too scared, she guessed. And she was too proud.

  IV

  After the seemingly longest, worst, and most silent trip ever, they had finally arrived at school where Asuka immediately fled to the girls‘ room. Shinji stood there for a few minutes, lost in his thoughts and waiting for her to return. But as minutes passed and there was no sign of her coming back anytime soon, he decided to go to their classroom. Now he sat on his desk and stared blankly out of the window.

  ?Earth to Shinji, Earth to Shinji…“ A hand waved in front of Shinji but he was too lost in his thoughts to notice it. How had this day turned from good to bad in just a matter of seconds? First he’d woken up happy and singing – something which he hadn’t done in quite a while – and next he’d threatened Misato.

  Suddenly, someone punched him hard on his right shoulder. ?Dammit, Ikari!“ said the attacker, a tall boy in a black tracksuit. ?You’re turning into another Ayanami, staring like this.“

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  Shinji turned his head to his friend in front of him. ?Sorry, Toji, it’s just…“ As his friend sat lazily on his chair, Shinji couldn’t help but stare at Toji’s left leg.

  ?Don’t stare at my leg now,“ Toji said with a smirk.

  ?Sorry, I -?

  ?Yeah, yeah, you’re always sorry. How many times do I have to tell you that it wasn’t your fault?“

  ?A few more times I think…“

  ?Dork!“ Toji grinned. ?Anyway, as I was saying, what are we going to do?“

  Shinji looked confused. ?Huh?“

  Toji sighed. ?What are we going to do for the summer school festival in a few months?“

  ?Ah, well…“ Shinji scratched the back of his head. The festival. He hadn’t thought about it. All this normal life stuff seemed so far away compared to the stuff that was going through his head right now. He looked around. Class was about to start and nearly all seats where occupied by one of his classmates. Except for two.

  ?I was thinking,“ Toji continued, ignoring the fact that his friend wasn’t listening, ?we could form a band or something like that. Because, y’know, I can play the bass guitar quite good actually. Kensuke can play the drums –“

  As Kensuke was mentioned, he made strange drum-like sounds from over his seat and waved around with his hands.

  Shinji scanned the classroom again, stood up, and walked to Hikari’s table.

  ?– and you… are standing up and walking away from me. Hey!“

  ?Sorry, Toji, let’s talk later, okay?“ Shinji said, ignoring the rambling of his friend behind him.

  The class rep was chatting with a friend of hers, whose name Shinji didn’t remember. ?Hikari? Do you have a moment?“

  The girl with the pigtails looked up at him, obviously surprised to see him talking to her. ?Ah, Shinji! Sure! What’s the matter? Are Toji and Kensuke bugging you again?“ She looked past Shinji to the two boys behind him.

  ?I didn’t do nothing!“ shouted Toji from behind with an innocent voice.

  Hikari grimaced but blushed faintly. ?L-Learn your grammar!“

  Shinji shook his head. ?No, no, I can handle them. It’s…“ He looked at Asuka’s place. ?Do you know where Asuka is?“

  Hikari raised an eyebrow. ?Huh? Wasn’t she with you?“

  ?Well, yes, she was…“ said the boy and scratched the back of his head.

  ?Have you two been fighting again?“ said Hikari and gave him a stern look.

  Shinji looked away. ?It’s… complicated.“

  The girl with the pigtails sighed. ?Excuse me, Naoko.“ Then she stood up from her table, grabbed a surprised Shinji on his wrist, and led him outside the classroom onto the now empty corridor.

  ?What’s –“

  ?Shinji, look,“ said Hikari and silenced the boy, ?I know…“

  ?You know what?“

  ?I know about… Asuka’s accident.“

  The way Hikari was pronouncing ?accident“ left no doubt about what she knew. Shinji wasn’t surprised. ?Ah, I see.“ His head sank. ?Well, who doesn’t know…?“

  ?That’s not important right now,“ Hikari said fast. ?I also know that you two are always fighting. But somehow I think she needs this. She needs you.“

  Shinji grunted. ?Yeah, certainly.“ He looked at the class rep. ?So that’s why she’s always bullying me and calls me names and says things like how she doesn’t need my help?“ Shinji was getting angry. ?Oh and that’s the reason she throws stuff at me at night and says she understands why my mother killed herself…“

  ?She didn’t…?“ gasped Hikari.

  Shinji gave her an angry look.

  Hikari talked again, ?Okay, okay, that wasn’t nice and I know she isn’t the most social person-?

  ?Ha, no kidding!“

  ?-But you, Mr. Ikari, are no different!“

  ?What do you mean?“

  ?You’re always looking so gloomy and downcast and nothing seems to bother you. In a bad way. Like you are trying to ignore the world around you. But then, if you’re with her… It seems that she is shaking your world upside down.“

  Shinji grimaced. ?Well, she’s noisy, chaotic, and aggressive. Who wouldn’t be shaken?“

  Hikari sighed. ?True, but haven’t you noticed that she’s only fighting with you lately? She’s ignoring everyone else!“

  He hadn’t thought about that.

  Hikari’s head sank as she said, ?Lately, even I can’t talk to her…“

  Ignoring her last sentence, he quickly changed the topic, ?Maybe I’m socially awkward, too, yeah. But even I can see what’s going on around me. I’m not blind. Like, for example, the thing between you and Toji.“

  Hikari’s face looked as if it was about to burst into flames. ?What? That’s not– Toji is– I am– Don’t change the subject!“ She punched him on the same spot as Toji.

  ?Ouch! Sorry!“ Shinji rubbed the spot. ?Man, Toji rubs off on you…“

  ?Mr. Ikari!“ said Hikari and punched him again.

  ?Stop it, woman!“

  ?Sorry! But seriously, Shinji. Don’t ignore the world around you,“ she raised her index finger and continued, ?And especially don’t ignore her!“

  Shinji sighed, still rubbing his arm. ?Okay, okay, I’ll try. Can I leave class and go look for her?“

  Hikari smiled and said in her best class rep-tone, ?Permission granted, Mr. Ikari.“

  ?Thank you, kind class rep!“ said Shinji and bowed exaggeratedly.

  Hikari shook her head and went back inside the classroom.

  As Shinji was walking down the empty corridor, he started thinking about what Hikari had just said. Before Asuka’s suicide attempt, she kicked every male (or female) butt who tried to flirt with her. Or talked bad about her. On her special days even just breathing in her direction was too much. But in the days and weeks that followed her attempt, she got more and more stoic. Which was totally understandable if one thought about what she was going through, not to mention the day-to-day monster slaying.

  The thought that Asuka was only fighting with him, made him somehow happy.

  On his way to the girls‘ room, he passed several empty class rooms. Many families had already left Neo-Tokyo-3, so the school was pretty much empty. There were just two other classes – one with younger students and the other with older ones as in Shinji’s class.

  As he stood in front of the door to the girls‘ room, he paused a moment, and listened. No sound was coming from inside, so he knocked three times. ?Asuka? Are you in there?“ He sighed, opened the door, and peeked inside. He still couldn’t hear anything, so he slowly moved forward. ?I’m searching for a friend, s-sorry for intruding!“ He entered the girls‘ room, prepared for anything.

  But the room was empty. He had even checked all the stalls. With a mixture of disappointment and relief, he left the room and thought about what place he could try next. The roof? One of the many empty classrooms? One place was as good as another, so he started walking toward the stairs to the roof as he heard faint laughter coming up the corridor behind him. The laughter seemed familiar. A dreadful feeling washed over him.

  He turned around and quickened his steps. As he came closer to the locker room, he saw that the door was open. The laughter rang out again and now he was sure of it. It was the high-pitch and very annoying laughter of Tsubame Sakurako, a girl from the class one year above Shinji’s. She and her friends — including their stupid but very strong boyfriends — had made it their task to terrorize everyone at school who was younger than them. Which was practically everyone except the teachers. But Shinji was sure that it was only a matter of time before they crossed even this line.

  Shinji slowed down and leaned against the wall beside the door and listened. The laughter had stopped and they were talking now but it was too quiet to make out any words. He flexed his right fist and slowly peeked inside. All he could see were yellow lockers, row after row, which continued to the left and out of sight. A wooden bench was between each row. Carefully, he stretched himself a bit more and looked around the corner but apart from more lockers and benches he saw nothing out of the ordinary. He was about to leave as Tsubame laughed again and then… cheered on someone? It was coming from the showers. Despite all common sense, he slowly moved deeper into the locker room. His brain screamed at him to run away as he always did. With every step toward the shower the screaming got louder. Instinctively, he started his countermeasures mantra in his head, I mustn’t run away, I mustn’t run away. It was helping, at least a bit.

  He was only a few feet away from the entrance to the girls‘ showers as he heard Tsubame’s voice again, now loud and clear because she was shouting, ?Come on you red-headed bitch! Do something!“ The voice in Shinji’s head fell silent in an instance and he stormed into the showers.

  They stood before Asuka, who sat on the ground under the running shower; already completely drenched. There were three of them: Tsubame, Ayame, and a girl with glasses, whose name he couldn’t remember.

  Tsubame was their leader. With her bleach-blonde hair and tons of makeup she was like a living cliché of the typical stupid girlfriend of a more stupid American quarterback, as you can see in every college comedy movie on TV. Her sister, Ayame, tried to impersonate her in every way. And this shy girl with the glasses, the freckles, and the long, brown hair. Shinji didn’t understand why she was always with them because to him she seemed like a nice and intelligent girl. She was also the one who noticed Shinji first.

  ?Ah! Tsu-Tsubame!“ she said, her voice shrieking and her eyes wide open from shock.

  ?I’m so sick of you,“ Tsubame said to Asuka; obviously she hadn’t noticed that her friend was talking to her. ?Sick of your hair,“ She grabbed a few strains of Asuka’s wet hair and pulled hard; tossing her head around in the process. ?Sick of your–“

  ?Let her go!“ said Shinji. He had tightly clenched both his hands to fists and was trembling.

  Tsubame and Ayame whirled around. The surprised look on both their faces quickly faded and turned into annoyed and slightly amused grins. ?Look who’s here, Asuka!“ Tsubame said, knelt down to grab Asuka’s chin and forced her to look into his direction. Her eyes were dead and looked right through him.

  ?Freakari comes to rescue you!“

  ?I won’t repeat myself.“ Shinji took one step forward. ?If you don’t let her go immediately–“

  ?Then what, huh?“ Tsubame tightened her grip on Asuka’s chin and knocked her head hard against the wall. ?What will you do, huh?“ She looked at him provocatively. ?I can do whatever I want to your bitch and you won’t do shit!“ Then she slapped Asuka.

  The girl with the brown hair shrieked. Ayame started to laugh like an idiot. Shinji rushed forward, past Ayame, who was too perplexed and surprised to do anything. In one fluid motion he got down, grabbed Tsubame’s neck, yanked her up, and slammed her forcefully against the wall. A painful scream escaped her mouth as her head banged hard against the green tiles, which covered the walls in the shower. Before she could recover, Shinji whirled around and pushed her into her sister, who was standing behind them, still baffled from his actions. The collision sent both girls crashing to the wet floor.

  After a few seconds of silence, Shinji said calmly, ?Just go away.“

  Tsubame was rubbing her head and looked up to Shinji with tears and murder in her eyes; her sister was underneath her and was wincing in pain.

  ?You little piece of-“ started Tsubame.

  ?Tsubame! Just let us leave! Please!“ pleaded the brown-haired girl and tried to help them getting up. Tsubame slapped her hand aside. ?Get your hands off me!“ She and her sister struggled to their feet again, both grunting with pain. Ayame whimpered silently.

  ?You will regret this, Ikari!“ Tsubame screamed. She pointed at him. ?I will tell my boyfriend so he will beat you to death!“ Her venomous glare suddenly changed into something which resembled a psychic mass murderer; her eyes wide open and her mouth twisted into a maddening smile. The tears left dark streaks on her cheeks as they washed away her mascara and that made her look even more dangerous. ?No… First, I will beat your bitch to death, let you watch it, and then my boyfriend can end your fucking miserable life!“ With that, she grabbed her crying sister and stormed away. The brown-haired girl followed them quickly but stopped at the entrance to the shower, turned around, and said, with her head bowed down, ?I-I’m sorry, Ikari“ Then she was gone, too.

  Shinji dropped with his back against the wall and sighed heavily. The shower was still running. Within seconds he was completely drenched but he didn’t care.

  He looked to his side. Asuka was still catatonic and not moving. He grabbed his phone and pressed a few buttons to call the emergency number, which they’d secretly set up after Asuka’s incident. It would call a Section-7 team to get them home.

  Shinji was still shaking. He was glad Tsubame and her sister hadn’t attacked him back. Not because he was afraid of what they would have done to him but because he was afraid of what he would have done to them.

  V

  The ride home was like a blur. Silent sounds, gray colors, and dim lights flew by. The whole day was like that if she thought about it. She was drifting away again; sinking deeper into the void. Her flame was dangerously low and flickering.

  Tsubame had beat her up bad but she hadn’t felt anything. She hadn’t even got the power to fight back. Her old self would have mopped the floor with them; pushed them and locked them up in to the lockers. But her old self had died on that fateful day when the rusty old kitchen knife, which she had found in the abandoned building, had cut her flesh open and her blood slowly dripped to the dirty bathroom floor. How long has it been already? A few weeks? A few months? She couldn’t tell.

  Slowly she sat up in her bed. Her hair and her clothing were still a bit wet, as was her bed now.

  She could hear Shinji and Misato arguing in the kitchen, probably about her.

  Shinji. He came to rescue her again. In her current state, she couldn’t tell if she was happy or angry about this. She didn’t care, her old self was dead.

  After a few minutes in which she just stared emotionless at the wall, she made a decision and stood up. At first, her legs resisted to carry her weight as if they knew what she was about to do and she slumped back onto her bed. But on her second try they submitted to her bidding and carried her body out of her room and into the bathroom. As she crossed the floor, the voices of Shinji and Misato became louder but their words couldn’t reach her mind. All she was thinking about was her next step. If she did this, she would start to feel something again, of that she was sure.

  She opened the door to the bathroom, got inside, and locked it behind her. After her incident, Misato had hidden all sharp objects in their apartment or had locked them away but Asuka had discovered her secret stash in the bathroom. With the help from a small stool, she could reach on top of the bathroom cabinet. She searched for a few seconds and got hold of Misato’s shaving equipment. Her guardian kept them safely in a small black case. She took it, stepped down from the stool, and put it on the ground. She undressed herself completely and placed all her clothing firmly folded on the stool, which she used moments before. Then she sat herself down on the floor and took the black case. She opened the zipper and took out the pink safety razor.

  All this time, her mind was perfectly clear as if she wasn’t about to cut herself but making tea or preparing herself a meal. Step by step, her brain worked through every part of her plan.

  The safety razor was actually designed in a way that cutting yourself wasn’t easy but with enough force and pressure, you could bypass this safety measure. As Asuka used the razor on her lower leg, just above her ankle, it easily sliced open her flesh and let out a stream of blood.

  Hm, nothing, she thought. So she tried again, a few centimeters under the first cut. This time with more force. The new cut went deeper and more blood joined the stream on her leg. But she still felt no pain. Anger was rising in her and she cut herself three, four more times, with more and more force. Maybe her leg was not working properly she thought and she had to try her other leg.

  So she tried, again and again. The white tiles beneath her where already sprinkled with blood as the pressure on the pink safety razor was too much and its neck broke off.

  ?No…“ She shook her head wildly. ?No, no, no. No!“ She tried to use the now broken razor again but her fingers where too wet from all the blood and it kept slipping away. ?Why isn’t it working?“ She hurled the broken razor away from her, took her head between her hands, and stared down. Her blood formed tiny creatures and shapes on the floor. Suddenly, her ears heard a loud noise. Only when she heard someone calling her name, she realized that the loud noise had been her scream.

  ?Asuka?“ Shinji’s calming but nervous voice. ?Are you okay?“

  ?Asuka!“ Misato’s angry and loud voice. ?Open the door!“ Then someone pounded against the door and tried to open it but the door was locked.

  ?Please, Misato, let me handle this.“

  There was a moment of silence and then Misato said, ?I’m getting the spare key.“

  ?Asuka?“

  ?It’s not working, Shinji“ Tears where streaming down her face and got mingled with her blood.

  ?What’s not working? Are you hurt?“

  ?Yes. It’s not working. It broke and then I threw it away.“

  Misato shouted from the kitchen, ?Where are the goddamn keys?“

  ?Asuka please, let me help you. We’re fixing it, okay? I promise. Just open the door.“

  She was so tired. All her energy to argue or fight back had been washed away; had poured out of her like her blood. ?Okay“, she just said and slowly stood up. She unlocked the door and opened it.

  ?Asuka…“ Shinji gasped. A part of her remembered that she was still naked and covered in blood but this did not bother her, she made no move to cover herself. She just stared at the ground. ?It’s not working…“ She shook her head. ?I tried and tried but it’s not working! I can’t feel anything, Shinji! I’m dead! Dead! I should finish-“ Suddenly, someone embraced her in a tight hug and started whispering soothing words in her ear. ?It’s okay, Asuka. I’m here. I’m here and you’re not dead. You’re alive and…and warm and I won’t let you go. Not again.“

  ?Why?“

  Shinji’s head still rested on her shoulder as he spoke again. His words where tickling her ear. ?Do you remember when you had your…breakdown after…Arael? I was so scared and confused after the attack that I completely forgot what I did.“ Shinji gently touched Asuka’s head and began stroking her hair. ?But I sang you a song. A song which my mother sang to me when I couldn’t fall asleep as a little boy. Now I remember.“

  Then Shinji started to sing and his words and the melody tore down her wall and cracked open her shell. The flickering, barely visible flame in her exploded into light like a small sun and burned away the shadows.

  Asuka cried freely now and her legs couldn’t support her weight any longer. She dropped to her knees but Shinji wouldn’t let go of her so he knelt down beside her.

  Memories flashed before her eyes. Memories of the day when she first had heard that song, after Arael defeated her and crushed the last bit of her sanity. She had to stay behind a caution tape because of the quarantine but Shinji was there. They wouldn’t let him near her but he was there and talked to her. She would have dragged herself over the edge of the platform and ended it if she had had the power. The darkness was about to devour her but then he started to sing and a spark was born inside her and protected the last pieces of herself from the ravaging darkness.

  After what seemed an eternity where both of them just knelt on the bathroom floor and Asuka listened to Shinji’s calming voice, her leaden arms moved slowly upwards and she hugged Shinji back.

  He tensed at her touch and stopped singing.

  ?No, please…“ Asuka whispered. She tightened her hold on Shinji. ?Please keep singing. Don’t let me go…“

  So he started to sing again, unawares that all this time Misato stood behind them. Carefully, she put a blanket over both children and then a third pair of arms embraced them both. ?I found the key“, Misato said crying.