I stood in a kitchen living room. Or in a kitchen. Or in a living room. Does it matter? I do not know, I do not know if it matters, or if that is where I am, yes, I do not know, that is what I know. Hmm, something like that, something like that, hmm, it can happen, it can happen sometimes and it happens anytime, and all the time, at all times and I know it. I know it now, since I said it, or I heard or I thought it, I do not know. That is what I know. That, perhaps that, perhaps not, I do not know. Oooh! For I am going in circles, I am sure of it, I am sure of it, I am crazy! Ha! I have said it, I have said it, perhaps once, perhaps twice, I had said it, I had said it now and I know it, I know it, I know I had said it… hmm, yes yes, hmm, I am crazy.
These thoughts, these crazy thoughts moving rapidly through my mind, through my brain, going, I know, I know now that they mean I am crazy. Perhaps I had thought that more than once. I do not know.
Hmm, hmm, yes, hmm, ah, yes! Haha, I know! Ha, I have seen him, I have seen him once before, that face. That face, that head of a boy, a child, a kid, a man, ha!
Yes! Yes! I had seen it before, I am sure of it! It stands, it stands here right before me, and I know, I know, that that child, him, I had seen him before. Him. Before now, this moment, I had certainly witnessed his face, that face, right before mine, in front of me, that face, yes that face, I had seen it before.
That face of a child. Of a child standing right here, in front of me… now.
Now…
The child stands right here before me! How exciting, how invigorating, I am in true bliss! Such a feeling that I feel now, I have never felt it before! This, this event, is catastrophic in its grandeur! I know it, I know it, deep within my bones, my very marrow, my lifeblood!
I must do something! Commit to something! Commit an action!
Yes… that, that I must do, I must do it and I must do it now. Yet, the question lingers, what shall I do!
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I do not know, I do not know, and that vexes me.
It gives great fear, great fear, and I hate fear. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, so much so that repeating my words gives me no solace! I must find a way to do away with this fear. I must. I must.
But how!
I am going around in circles!
Oh what shall I do?
I ask myself, again, again, yet no clear answer comes to light. I am surrounded by all I hate, and that face, that face…
That face is the reason for my fear!
I must, oh I must get rid of it! I must make it disappear from this very plain of existence, I must make it turn to dust!
How?!
Aah, I scour the room for answers, there must be one!
No, no, I look around, I look around, yet I find nothing!
How could this be?!
There must be, there must be something!Something!
Ah, I found it, I found it; haha! I found it, my solace, my solution to my problem, the very thing that will do away with that wretched face!
A knife, a knife, oh so gleaming and shiny, I feel that the razor edge could cut through the very air itself!
No, no, not that, not that, it can do much more, much more. It can cut through my very problems, it can finalize my very desire! My every decision! It is mine, it is my own, and it is precious, very precious, within my grasp.
I must use it, as to ignore its usefulness would be the very sin of sins.
I must cut away that face, that trembling, wrinkled, child’s face right in front of me.
I must make it disappear, I must make it be gone!
I stumbled forward, reaching out, grabbing, grabbing, very tightly, making sure not to make it slip, I grabbed the knife.
I held it in my hand, my hand full of blemishes and bruises, I raised it up, held it upwards towards the space above my head, and I gripped it tightly, oh so tightly, so as it would not fall, and I aimed it, ever so carefully, towards the face of the wretched child.
The child; he still stood there, unmoving, emotionless, not giving the slightest hint of acknowledgment to the action about to be committed by me. By me! Oh, I am so very excited, very excited, I cannot wait any longer!
I swung down, with all of my might, with all of my strength and speed and skill, I swung downwards at the head of the boy, at that face of that wretched child.
I toppled over and fell, landing on the tip of the knife as it impaled my heart.
Then, only then did I realize, when my world was turning into black, that there was no child, there was never any child, any child other than me. The child was my reflection in the mirror from far away.
The world turned black, and I died.