After the battle ended, Nash and I returned home. My hands trembled from exhaustion, but I couldn't sleep without telling the kids goodnight. Elsie slept in her room, peaceful and still, but she left behind a pile of clothes dirty from training with Leif. Elara rocked Finn and kissed him before leaving us alone.

  I tried to steady myself as I held him tightly to me and settled back against the chair.

  "I've got you," I whispered. "I'll always come home. I promise. I'm sorry I'm so late."

  My stained hands looked wrong against his pure, white blanket. It was the best I could do today.

  Nash held his side with one hand and with the other cupped the back of Finn's head. "Hey, little guy."

  Finn's eyes met mine and a smile bunched his cheek. It grounded me after an encounter that left my mind spiraling. We won our second battle again Malach's army, but after seeing his incredible strength, and the way Cleo absorbed my energy, I only felt toyed with. I struggled to believe that Malach would allow us to kill his warriors, but I couldn't assume that he wasn't that awful. Some people did not care about their warriors. And there was something wrong with him and Cleo.

  "What did Cleo mean about the god in us?" I sank back against the chair, ready to fall asleep. "How would joining with us help her ascend to the Collective?"

  "She's crazy, Max."

  "Is she? She knows things she shouldn't. Maybe she wants us to think she's just crazy so we don't take her seriously."

  "I take crazy very seriously."

  "Or so we underestimate her calculated sanity."

  Nash rested his head against mine. "What if Dr. Henderson told her something she never told us?"

  "We need to think about the past more," I said, hoping he'd realize I meant that it was time to resume traveling through our first life. "The gods were debating about telling me something. I'm going to talk to them. Their secrets are placing our kingdom in jeopardy."

  He reached for the baby. "Go now. I'll take care of the kids."

  "You're sure?"

  "Yes. We need to know."

  "Again so soon," the Collective said.

  "I want my answers now. Last time I demanded them and said I'd revoke your access to my life otherwise. What did you decide?"

  "You're troubled by Cleo."

  "We're not doing this thing where we go back and forth pretending you don't already know why I came and what I want to know." I walked closer to them and studied the water. The light flickered inside, faster than usual.

  "Yes." I was tired of looking at their stupid symbolic tank of water. "Choose a form and talk to me like a person."

  They normally only did this when taking me to the full council, but it surprised me to see their waters disappear, and in its place, a young man appear.

  "Can Cleo really ascend to the Collective by consuming my power? I was told that we needed to become enlightened through multiple simulated lives to even be eligible."

  "Cleo cannot become a part of the council by bonding with you."

  "Then what did she mean?" I lowered my gaze, trying to remember everything she said.

  "We believe she means that becoming one with you will make her the kind of person who can one day join the council, something that even her beloved Dr. Henderson failed to do."

  "Why me?" I met his deep blue eyes. They seemed to ripple like the waters of the Collective did. "What did she mean by the god in Nash and me? You're going to explain the full truth or I'm revoking your access this time. I'll take it to the council, or beyond."

  "If you understood, you wouldn't fight us like this."

  "Then make me understand."

  "We can't. You're too rooted in your own life, in your own world." He stepped backward into the darkness left behind by where the water normally was. "If you insist on the truth, then we'll give it to you. The council voted and we're in agreement that you've earned the truth. That you won't endanger others by spreading the news."

  I walked forward, feeling drawn to the man they chose to reveal themselves to me as today. Darkness swallowed me whole when I stepped through and I spun around, feeling like the walls of black both closed in on me and stretched endlessly. That I was in a void with no boundary and suffocated in the middle of a rock.

  The dimmest light barely crept into the darkness, too far away to touch or even really see.

  "This is what Earth looks like now. It's been so long since it was gone. We lived in Kethios for quite some time before any sect of our society had a collective, and even longer before Earthlings got their own. We fought for the power we have today."

  The darkness stretched into a long hallway that was lit just enough for me to discern the wall and ceiling, but I saw no end before me or behind me. A light filled the ground beneath my feet so I saw myself clearly but only shadows of the man.

  "Earth was isolated like this for so long. Binding together changed everything for us. The war you're facing right now is only a drop of water in the ocean of suffering. We need to help other worlds like ours. Our council looks after every earth-like planet in the universe. Bright planets appeared all at once in the hallway, shining from the floor, the walls, and the ceiling, stretching beyond what I could see.

  "You've told me before what you want to do," I said.

  "Yes, but we didn't show you who we are." The worlds slowly dimmed until they only cast faint circles of light on the floor. "You won't know us if you don't see who we're fighting for."

  I crossed my arms over myself, searching for something solid.

  "We told you that your simulation is populated with those who died as babies on Earth and never had the chance to live. You know that you and Nash died in war-torn streets." The man watched me in the dim light. "That's all true, but we did not tell you about the others."

  "What others?"

  "The few." His blue eyes glowed in the darkness, the depths of the ocean waters endless. "Some in your world did not die as babies, and those who did already went on to live before being born again into your world."

  I swallowed down the knot growing in my throat. "Why lie about that? Why say our life in this world was our first?"

  "There's no ulterior motive. We only wanted to show you compassion. At the time, you struggled to grasp the truths you knew already. Understanding how much you all lived before being born in these worlds would have only hurt you. Now you need to know though."

  Fear clawed at my throat, or maybe something distinct from fear. Dread. "How many lives did we live before this one?"

  The man moved forward toward me. The glow of worlds passed over his face, illuminating him as he walked closer. "It depends on the person. For some, only one. For others, many, many more."

  "How many lives did I live?"

  He stopped again, quiet for so long I expected him not to answer. "Enough to join the Collective."

  The darkness from before seemed to wrap around me again and suffocate me. His words rang back at me from a hollow drum. I shook my head so subtly it felt more like a twitch. "N-no."

  The stranger passed through the shadows. In the darkness his barely discernible form seemed to shift, growing taller and leaner, and his hair more full. I took a step backward, squinting.

  A different man emerged, standing quietly before me. A man whose kind eyes and short black locks I recognized so well. With a gentle smile, he reached his hand out toward me.

  "It is true, Max." Compassion shone in Piercey's eyes. "I'm sorry if it's hard to hear. I did, as well. We've known each other an awfully long time."

  The implication of what the Collective said swirled through my mind until I was dizzy. "It's us?" I asked, my voice breaking.

  Sorrow drew his lips into a familiar frown. "We don't like hurting you."

  "You have to say it. You have to say it to my face."

  Piercey eased closer, standing in the same light I did, the glowing blue hue of a planet that looked much like Earth. "We are the Collective, Max."

  I covered my mouth and blinked back tears. Weakness gripped my knees and I fell onto the ground, ready to wilt all the way to the floor.

  "You've been fighting yourself and the ones you love the most for three lives now."

  Deep betrayal stabbed into my heart. "We'd never become this. You're lying." I looked up then, a flare of fury flashing through me. "Don't you dare steal his image. You're trying to mess with my mind."

  This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author's work.

  "We aren't. You and Piercey have always endured these difficult revelations together. We thought it would comfort you."

  "No." I lowered my hand and curled into a fist, my voice dangerous and low. "You're not stupid. You know this isn't comforting. It's disorienting and confusing and terrifying."

  He sighed so deeply that his shoulders fell. "It's been a long time since we were individuals and experienced the world the way you do. That's why a slim majority of the council is made of individuals. We've lost our touch with human connection. Ironic isn't it? We are the ultimate connection. The blending of souls and yet–"

  "Shut the fuck up," I said, voice cracking. "You're not Piercey. Don't try to emulate him."

  "My soul has had many names." His voice softened so convincingly. "We are the same. Piercey comes directly from me. He is the seed of my consciousness, just like Elias." His expression slowly hardened, transforming the face of my friend into something I didn't recognize. "Or maybe you don't need coddled right now."

  Rage darkened my vision. My head swam like I might pass out from it. "Even if we come from you, you're not us. Piercey would never make me feel like this."

  His hair grew longer and lighter, his form shrinking down, until I stared into my own eyes. If not for meeting Ashton, seeing another version of myself might have sent me reeling.

  "It's time to grow up," the Collective said through my voice and a duplicate of my body. "Your world matters. You proved that. So go take care of your people. Stop reaching above yourself and creating wars that no one needs to fight. One day you'll be here among us and then you can fight with us. Today is not that day."

  "How could you be a part of them?" I asked.

  "How could you kill those prisoners right before you formalized your kingdom? How could you leave Nash behind to finish the job for you?" It was the same as looking into a mirror. The weight of ruling and the gore of war clung to my image every morning when I awoke and I saw it now in her. "How could you send your people, the people you love so dearly, to fight and die against Malach's army? How could you jail that poor boy who can barely fit the beads of his dead around his neck?"

  "I don't know a better way."

  She said nothing, only allowed me to play my own words in my mind again.

  "It's not the same," I said. "You can't say it is." My eyes closed as the deep truth of what the Collective said filled me. It made too much sense. "It's really true. We're the evil gods."

  "We aren't evil, Max. And we aren't gods."

  "It's true. Beyond all logic, you're somehow still so incredibly human. So incredibly flawed."

  "That's why we need your help to become better. The first planet we ever tried to save reminded us of Earth more than any other. We wanted so badly to help them. We could see their children dying, over and over and over, every minute of every day with no end in sight. We gave them all of ourselves. We poured our heart into them." She averted her eyes with more pain than I had ever witnessed hardening her expression. "The things they did to themselves with what we gave them… We'll never forget it. We won't let ourselves."

  I knew the Collective was wrong. I didn't need to live thousands of years to see it. My heart knew it. In this moment, though, I couldn't speak. I couldn't pretend to understand the burden of leading an entire of planet of people to whatever horrific end now haunted her. I couldn't even handle leading my own kingdom to this war.

  "We had some better attempts." Tears shone in her eyes. The tears of countless souls inhabiting one form. "But isn't it sad that your world is the fruit of all this effort? You're the best we've managed to do. I've had forever to learn how to give up on a battle I can't win and I still never figured it out. So I suppose we can't expect you when you're so young to do what we can't."

  "You said I." I swallowed hard. "Have you found yourself in this sea of souls? Do you remember what it's like to be you?"

  She smiled wistfully, watching me. "A little. You make me remember. Seeing you with Nash and your children makes me remember. It's nice to feel my old life sometimes. To feel the edges of my soul."

  I reached forward, falling short of her, afraid to close in the distance, but desperate to catch her before she melted back into the Collective. "Something terrible happened to all of you. Maybe thousands of years, countless lives and souls, cannot erase the torment of grief and guilt. Maybe combining all that pain so intimately deformed you beyond repair."

  "That's an interesting theory."

  The part of myself I recognized in her faded, though didn't disappear entirely.

  "We're too close to quit now, though," she said. "You understand fighting for your people. You understand how pure and powerful that can make you and how it can also twist you into a villain. You understand that no matter what you can't give up."

  What could I say to that? It was true. All true. I struggled with this every day of my life.

  "You have a beautiful people who live in the valley of Skia Hellig," she said. "You're beginning to stretch your limits to see beyond your piece of the world and to make everyone there a part of your people. Even those from the other worlds, like Ashton's. They're our people too." She grasped her chest desperately. "But we have more people than just them. Max." Her voice piqued. "All people are my people now. Every single soul in this universe matters to us. We're fighting for everyone."

  "So you subjected your own souls to the experiment. You consented for us, as seeds of yourself. You bore your own failures."

  Quiet filled the tense space between us. Finally, she nodded. "Yes. We didn't want to subject any soul to an experiment we wouldn't endure ourselves. Every person in your world consented to be there, including all of us from the Collective. We're all in your world."

  "It's not really you, is it? It's copies of you. We're the ones who are suffering with the power you gave us."

  "You have to care about this battle that we're fighting. We need you all to do this so that we can help. It's not just us fighting. There's other councils. There's other worlds very different from our own. They're struggling too. We have to do our part and figure out how to help the worlds similar to Earth, not only for the sake of the people living there, but for us all. Our victory is everyone's victory. We're so sorry for the pain we've caused and all the ways we've failed. We can't stop now though."

  "Maybe you should have learned how to give up. You're not finding a solution to pain. You're only causing more pain. You're torturing yourself to save a universe you will never save. It's doing nothing but maiming pieces of yourself. Pieces of yourself like me and the people I love." I balled my hands into fists. "It's time to take away the power. That's the only solution. You watched Malach and Cleo's people slaughter our innocent children."

  "We also watched your warriors slaughter the Flatlander children. They didn't need power for that."

  "The power makes it worse. You set up our world for failure. It isn't fair to give only one percent of us this ability. I know you will kill those who find a way to take the power for themselves."

  She shook her head, looking at me with pity. "You think if we take power away from your world today that it will help anyone? You'll all kill each other anyway. You won't be strong enough to stop anyone. You can't have it both ways, Max. You can't curse us for creating you and then demand that we leave your world to exist. You can't beg us to stay our of your lives but then ask for us to alter everything. You want us to erase the injustice from your world, but we can't. So either you live with it or you don't."

  "Maybe I just want you to repent." I shook my head. "Maybe I want you to care about us."

  "Can't you see that we do?"

  "No. I can't."

  "You are so small, Max. So young. For all the ways you've grown, you're still hardly more than a child. It isn't your fault. It's the way it should be. Just have the maturity to recognize your limitations and to not ruin your potential by reaching for a power you don't understand and lack the ability to hold." She smiled gently. "We need you. It's my hope that one day you'll be ready to join us and we can reunite all of the seeds of our souls."

  "I'll never join you. I'll dismantle you and return you to being human." I stared at the Collective hiding within my own form with all of the fury I had ever felt in my life raging within me now, so hot that it defied my ability to hold it in. It was as dense as a black hole and as hot as the largest star. "You need to go to rehabilitation with Dr. Henderson."

  Quiet for several seconds. This time, I thought they may have actually needed the time to process. "You understand that can't happen," she said. "We have too much work to do."

  "You know what I learned? If I'm not healthy, nothing I touch will be healthy. If I can't step away, then I've built a system that can't take care of itself. We'll all be much healthier if you take some time to heal from the sins you've committed."

  "We don't need to heal. We did what we had to do."

  "You will ruin everything you touch if you continue like this. You're holding your civilization back from growing beyond pain and suffering and corruption. Dr. Henderson was right about you. You were testing her. None of us are people to you because you aren't people anymore. You've come unglued and you've chosen not to properly bring yourself back together."

  "We're the ultimate form of the best people in your world."

  "You're a monster that stole our souls. You're not responsible for the fate of every person in every world. Learn some boundaries." I shake my head. "How many collective lives have you lived and you haven't figured that out yet? Be human again. Lend your wisdom and offer your support, but stop trying to control the universe. It's made you into this."

  "You say that now." My own knowing eyes reflected back at me in her stare. "If you had our power, you wouldn't stop either. You wouldn't ignore the children dying all over the universe."

  "I hope I wouldn't make a new universe to make children cry in when I failed to help the others." Frustration filled me. "What do you really want? Why do you keep fighting me? It can't be because of the integrity of this experiment or your mission to save humankind from suffering. There's more happening here. You can't be this stupid."

  She watched me cooly. "Saving humankind from suffering isn't a good enough reason?"

  "It's not the reason, because you persist even though you're failing miserably."

  "You are the mirrors to our soul. We remember what it was like to be ourselves once but still we can't fully become that. We're lost and trying to find our way home."

  I hesitated. "You don't want to be a collective anymore?"

  "Of course we do. We just recognize our missteps and are looking to the simplicity of our simple souls in simpler situations."

  What if she really wanted to say something else. What if the flicker of humanity in her eye actually was a hint of something much more raw and terrifying?

  What if she and all those trapped in the collective were actually screaming, "Save me."

  Save me.

  Save me from myself and the monster I've become. Make me human again.

  What if that was what she really meant. For once, watching the way we came together to make war, I saw how I could become trapped in such a prison. Wouldn't I do anything to save my kingdom and my family?

  "I can never let us fall like you have. This is more dangerous than Malach or Cleo or any enemy we've faced. You're far more dangerous."

  The image of myself slipped away and in an instant, I looked at the one I truly could not face. Amber eyes poured into my own, all love and kindness. I couldn't move as Nash walked close to me. "Trust us, Max. Please trust us for once. We can do so much good together." Nash's knuckles brushed my neck and along my jaw. "We've been bound much longer than you know. We're capable of more than you let yourself imagine."

  "My Nash never could become this in any life." I took his hand, shocked by how it felt just like Nash's, and I lowered it away from me. "He's lost inside your sea and someone needs to help him find his way out." I stumbled back, terrified by looking into the eyes of the man I loved and knowing it was the Collective looking back. "You're right that you can't save my world. You need to save yourself."

  "Max–"

  "Keep watching my life and find yourself in me. I'll come for you one day, I promise. Until then, try to find your way home."

  He hesitated, looking even more like my Nash for a moment. His eyes lowered to his hands and he raised them up between us. "Cora–" Tension tightened his expression subtly and he blinked. "We are not used to diving so deeply into our forms."

  "What were you about to say?"

  "It's nothing to concern you."

  Reaching out to the humanity in them seemed to cause a conflict in the Collective, or even to draw their individual consciousness closer to the surface. They'd be on guard now, maybe surprised that this happened to them.

  "I think for once we've come to an understanding," I said.

  "Close enough to one."

  "If you do want to help my world, there is something you can do for me." I clasped my hands in front of me. "I need to speak with Dr. Henderson about this cult and about who I believe their leader is–Cleo."

  Nash's image dissolved back into the stranger they originally showed themselves as. "Are you certain that won't be too upsetting for you?"

  "Please. I need to do this."

  "We'll retrieve you if the council agrees."