Who Would Win in a Fight Between Various Evangelicals (hypothetical)
So a friend on the blogosphere commented that my upcoming wrestling and church books should have been combined into one book. I couldn’t agree more. I also think that Christians do a lot of fighting on the blogosphere, some of which (fighting) could be settled the good old fashioned way – in the ring.
In that spirit, and in the spirit of cynicism and career-sabotage that I seem to be projecting lately, I’ve devised the following Who Would Would Win in a Fight Between Various Evangelicals tournament bracket. So study this, decide who you think would win based on factors like size, speed, age, scrappyness, and overall fighting ability, and then comment on your winners. Then I’ll post the semi-final round. While you’re at it, buy one of my books: http://www.tedkluck.com/booksandreviews.html
Disclaimer #1: I’ve tried to match the combatants fairly (ie, I haven’t put Doug Pagitt in against Mark Driscoll…that would just be silly and wrong).
Disclaimer #2: Being that the whole thing is probably silly and wrong, know that it’s all a joke.
Emergent Division:
Tony Jones vs. Doug Pagitt in a yoga-studio death match
Brian McLaren vs. Pete Rollins in a New Kind of Battle of the Pacifists!
Young, Restless and Reformed Division
Joshua Harris vs. The Rest of the Harris Brothers in an “I Kissed Fighting Hello” fatal four-way
Collin Hansen vs. Andy Crouch in the “People Who Write for CE” Match
Alpha-Male Division
Mark Driscoll vs. John Eldredge
Masters Division
John MacArthur vs. D.A. Carson
Authors I Know Personally (and also think are awesome) Division
Jim Spiegel vs. Kevin DeYoung
Pastors I Think are Awesome Division
Albert Mohler vs. Alistair Begg
September 18th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Since I kind of started this thing…I will put my two cents in…
Emergent Division:
They would all be a draw…they wouldn’t be able to decide on how many rounds, which city to have the fight in and would eventually decide that violence isn’t the answer but conversation would be. So, they would instead shut off the lights, light some candles and discuss violence.
Young, Restless and Reformed:
I’ll take three against one anyday of the week. So, Joshua and his bald head will get pummeled.
Alpha Male:
Driscoll, hands down. He is used to people rushing his stage trying to stab him and beat him up. Plus Eldridge would want the fight to happen in the woods around a camp fire…and that’s just weird.
Masters:
I’ll take Johnny Mac…he would have to go by his wrestling name: J-Mac
The reason I take J-Mac is because Phil Johnson would show up and jump in the ring and take out D to the A.
Authors:
DeYoung…refer to the reasons behind master division and substitue “Phil Johnson” with “Ted Kluck”
Pastors I think are Awesome Division:
Mohler. Anyone who take a presidential position with a conference that is Arminian and brings in Calvinism…isn’t going to be scared of much
But, Alistair would say, “ouch” with a very cool voice.
September 18th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
[...] Random Feed wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptWho Would Win in a Fight Between Various Evangelicals (hypothetical) September 18th, 2008 So a friend on the blogosphere commented that my upcoming wrestling and church books should have been combined into one book. I couldn’t agree more. I also think that Christians do a lot of fighting on the blogosphere, some of which (fighting) could be settled the good old fashioned way – in the ring. In that spirit, and in the spirit of cynicism and career-sabotage that I seem to be projecting latel [...]
September 18th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Seth is wrong as usual…and if there were a “People who were a part of the GARBC at one time” divison…I would kick his butt!
It goes like this: Jones, Rollins, Josh, Hansen, Driscoll (cause he wins everything in my mind), Carson (cause he is not a crazy closet fundamentalist), De Young, and Mohler…
September 18th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
[...] 18, 2008 · No Comments This is from Ted Kluck’s blog…we know and love him for his book “Why We are Not Emergent…” It is about who [...]
September 18th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
This is a great idea. I agree with your “Pastors I Think Are Awesome” division. I think they are awesome too, but I think Alistair would win. I’m not sure that Mohler has done anything athletic in his life, unless the Boy Scouts count. Begg played soccer, and even rugby (I think).
Drake, I’m assuming that, based on your comment, MacArthur is a “crazy closet fundamentalist.” If that were the case then MacArthur would definitely win. Always bet on a fundy in a fight. But I don’t think MacArthur is “closet” about anything. He was also a heck of a football player in his day. He’d steamroll Carson.
September 18th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Travis, I relent you are right about all of that…I forgot it was an actual fight and not a “theology” off.
September 18th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
I just have to say that since D. A. Carson is so damn mean he would eventually rise to the top and beat everyone in the final round, armed only with the poison dripping from his tongue. You gotta admire that man . . . in a way.
September 18th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Wow E. wow… Maybe he is just so darn right….
D
September 18th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
The Macarthur/Carson showdown is kind of a brawn vs. brains. Macarthur would come full-bore pile-driver “without a doubt,” but Carson would deftly step aside and trip Macarthur by pointing out his “exegetical fallacies.” If he survives the first minute (and nearby folding chairs), I give Carson the slight edge.
Spiegel beats DeYoung. Kevin’s great, but I’ve played angleball with Spiegel. That dude does not get tired.
Eldredge beats Driscoll by turning into a wolf, a hero from a Frank Peretti novel, or the hybrid of a wolf and a hero from a Frank Peretti novel.
Begg beats Mohler, because Groundskeeper Willie would smear Ned Flanders. Q.E.D.
September 18th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
And if the Hawk that talks to Elderidge as the Holy Spirit gets involved it is over….
September 18th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Norm Geisler would just methodically kill them all while they slept.
Game, set, and match.
September 18th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
For the Emergent division, both contestants would berate the judges for, well, judging. They would explain that doing so is not very loving, and that this is simply their opinion anyway. You can’t actually know who won.
For the Young Reformed, I’ve got to through my Church’s associate pastor Jason Alligood into the mix. He would arrive at the ring on his skateboard heralded by Pink Floyd, then proceed to baffle his opponents with an agile mix of deeply theological truths and (comedian) Brian Regan one liners. Before all was said and done, he would stun them with his perspective on Harry Potter and finish them off with a few guitar licks of his own creation.
Alpha Male. I think Eldredge would win because he would come fully armed, and proud of it.
MacArthur definitely has the physical edge on Carson. But Carson sounds a little like the Lucky Charms guy, so he might have a little something unexpected up his sleeve. (I really don’t get the “mean” comment somebody made above… he must be thinking of someone else.)
Spiegel. I don’t know… maybe I just like that name. Sounds a little like Smeagol. And we all know what he was capable of.
Mohler beats Begg. Begg’s Scottish, and I’m English.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Best Answers imho:
Seth (#1) “Pastors I think are Awesome Division:
Mohler. Anyone who take a presidential position with a conference that is Arminian and brings in Calvinism…isn’t going to be scared of much
But, Alistair would say, “ouch” with a very cool voice.”
and Alan
“For the Emergent division, both contestants would berate the judges for, well, judging. They would explain that doing so is not very loving, and that this is simply their opinion anyway. You can’t actually know who won.”
These made anyone else in the office wonder what was going on at my desk.
For my two cents:
I’m not sure an emergent is capable of fighting with anyone but the evil evangelicals.
I also would have to pick MacArthur, Driscoll and Mohler.
How come Piper didn’t get into the mix?
September 19th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
[...] I’m posting a couple of my favorite categories here…feel free to head over to the Ted Wins blog to cast your votes for the winners. (disclaimer: the author of divinesatisfaction.com is in no [...]
September 19th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I’ve got to say, I think Joshua gets taken out by the rest of the Harris brothers in a very quick smashing victory, and I’m not so sure Eldredge wouldn’t pull that one out. That could be quite a battle right there.
I have to agree with Cory. I think Spiegel takes out DeYoung. KDY has a definite size advantage, but Jim’s got that quick feistiness to him. Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s added in some of those “veteran, old-man” moves to his repertoire.
September 19th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Driscoll, with his well documented dislike of dogs, would kick Eldredges dog in the knee, prompting John to cry, at which point Driscoll would put him in a sleeper hold.
September 20th, 2008 at 10:32 am
But if you remember right Amy, Elderidge’s dog died in his last book..(don’t worry though John will see him in heaven)…
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:24 am
On the Emergent Match, I doubt it would happen. Doug and Tony love each other way too much. It’s like asking Romeo and Juliet to wrestle, I just don’t see it happening. If it did though, I would imgaine it would take a long time because as each one would make a move, the other would have to take a moment to walk to thier apple computer and blog about how great the other just did. (OK, that’s the most evil thing I have typed i a long time. Couldn’t resist….)
October 29th, 2008 at 3:01 am
adult Dating
November 13th, 2008 at 1:44 am
Magic The Gathering Cards…
Interesting post on the subject matter! Thanks for sharing this information….
February 20th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Happy Friday! good job
. Enjoyed “Who Would Win in a Fight Between Various Evangelicals (hypothetical)” although maybe not everyone did. I’ll make sure I visit this site once a day. Added you to my feed reader.
February 24th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
DUDE. How could you forget Piper?! The Pipes!
I have personally played basketball with that guy (he wearing a-little-too-short gym shorts) and he is one scrappy dude. I’d take Piper against the field. I think it would come down to him and Driscoll. Driscoll would prostrate himself before Piper’s majesty, and Piper would choke him out.
My two cents.
February 25th, 2009 at 10:26 am
There is no way DA Carson would lose. Ever. He would take stab J-Mac in the neck with a paper clip or something.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:24 am
Cuckold…
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