Kluck Signs with Syracuse
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
(Grand Ledge, MI) Noted author/blogger/personality Ted Kluck has pledged his college football loyalty to Syracuse for 2010, with the option to extend indefinitely. After much deliberation, prayer, fasting, and soul searching, Kluck has decided to exclusively blog about the Orange and wear Syracuse gear on Saturdays during the college season, regardless of the setting.
Kluck held a press conference at University Reformed Church in East Lansing, where he turned the sanctuary into a media room and was resplendent in a purple suit, seated in a throne on the dais. “I just want to do this low-key,” he said. “Recruiting has gotten ridiculous.” Kluck then placed several hats on a table in front of him, recited the Declaration of Independence (from memory), said a short prayer, read from Ecclesiastes, did 100 pushups, released a small flock of doves, and then began throwing hats at the media and fans who had gathered.
“I received a really strong offer from Missouri, late in the game,” Kluck explained through a PR assistant, from a private jet en route to Syracuse. “Missouri offered a mini helmet and used long sleeve t-shirt and, I won’t lie, that was really attractive to me. But at the end of the day I couldn’t sign with a team that runs the spread offense and doesn’t use a fullback. Not using a fullback is, to me, un-American.”
Syracuse coach Doug Marrone, with his WLAF pedigree and commitment to a pro-style offense, appealed to Kluck. He believes that Syracuse will win “six or seven games” and potentially go bowling this season. “I wanted to get in on the ground floor of something special,” he explained. “Nebraska is established without me…I don’t see Missouri taking the next step…Mark Richt didn’t return one of my calls once (seriously, this happened) so Georgia was out…and Michigan State’s uniforrms look like a pee-wee team.”
Kluck will begin blogging about Syracuse Football later this week. Email him at ted@tedkluck.com to arrange for the delivery of swag.
**
Note: For those of you whose teams I didn’t choose…thanks for your passionate recruiting pitches. And no worries, I’ll be blogging about general college football topics as well, none of which will include Boise State or Ohio State, as ESPN has that covered.
Pete Scribner
9/8/2010
You do realize that Blaine Gabbert committed to Nebraska originally. And Jeremy Maclin originally said he was going to Oklahoma. We’re not giving up…
Kim Noble
9/8/2010
Can you please answer the controversy surrounding the accusation that your fans mean nothing to you by not letting them vote for their favorite? ~~ Kim Noble/Hot Star Celebrity Mag.
Pete Scribner
9/8/2010
Remember when you said, “I’m feeling like I want to go to a school that’s going to be playing in the postseason, so that I can get the most out of the blog…which makes it tough to choose Syracuse, despite my connections there.”
And surely the other Jerry Maguire quote (“It’s not ’show friends.’ It’s ’show business.’”) had to carry some weight. If I had known ‘Cuse was legitimately in the running I would have attacked them like I attacked the Huskers.
It’s not too late to change your mind…
Andrew
9/8/2010
I expected more quotes in the third person from Ted. Perhaps he’s more down-to-earth than I had assumed.
Pete Scribner
9/8/2010
You do know that Mizzou has the oldest and finest journalism school in the world (of which I am a graduate). Syracuse only has a school of “public communications.”
Pete Scribner
9/8/2010
We’re still holding a roster spot for you Ted. Just because Akron beat Syracuse two years ago (that’s right), that does not make them a legitimate opponent. When Washington juices the Orange this weekend, our offer will still be there for you.
k_luck96
9/8/2010
Absolutely Kim. You’re a high ranking Lieutenant in the TED WINS./Gut Check Army…so your question deserves a prompt response. Check out my previous post, which was a call for recruitment. I held a fast and furious 24 hour recruiting period in which I was wined, dined, and wooed by programs all over the country. Heady stuff. Hard to stay humble. That said, who’s your college team?
Z. Bartels
9/8/2010
Classic stuff.
Art C
9/8/2010
Mr. Kluck,
We appreciate your interest in the Boise State football program and while we are saddened by your decision we feel it might be best for all involved as our bandwagon is getting full and we fear, in retrospect, there might not have been enough room for your entourage anyway.
We wish you all the best with your involvement and your loyalty toward your new football team and especially wish you good success in finding their games on a TV anywhere near you.
Sincerely,
Mark Johnson
Director of Bandwagon Recruitment
ESPN
Bristol, CT
P.S. Seriously, you are going to wear orange? Please post a picture of that…
Kim Noble
9/8/2010
haahaaa–as always, the General shows his compassionate side. I was really asking if we could vote on the already submitted teams that we, the army, would like to read more about.
BTW–humbling is to be ranked so high in an army that never even read the recruitment post. I envision a stripping of stripes ceremony headed my way.
If I had to choose a college team–it would have to be Notre Dame. I didn’t go there–I went to a college where intramural sports was the big money maker. Mere hatred and love of Notre Dame, I imagine, would evoke many lively comments resulting in a very lively blog.
Anyway–congrats on Syracuse. This low-level LT. must go and fight the good war on meal preparation before her General gets home.
I look forward to reading more on Syracuse!
k_luck96
9/8/2010
Art – Heck yeah, I’m wearing Orange…my Syracuse recruiter has a shipment of swag coming my way shortly…I’m all in with this team, and what’s more, I’m going to recruit all of you to cheer for the ‘Cuse as well. It’s on baby.
Kim – Notre Dame eh? You’re right, that would have spurred a lot of dialogue! Here’s my modest goal: As a result of this blog, I would like the Syracuse “Subway Alumni” network to be as huge and powerful as Notre Dame’s. I think it’s possible. You should become a Syracuse fan…there’s room on our bandwagon for you and your dinner.
Sweater Vest
9/8/2010
Ted,
I appreciate your interest in The Ohio State University, but as I stated on the phone several times over the past few weeks. Your bribes and then threats will not move us to accept your offer to cover Buckeye football this year.
Please refrain from calling me any further. The heavy breathing is not unique. The screeching in high piercing voices like a little girl are not becoming for a man of your size. I will be recording all future phone calls from you so please be aware of that fact.
Good luck with the Orangemen. You should have nothing at all to write about so you should have plenty of time to seek psychological help from a professional.
Sincerely,
Jim Tressel
B-atch
9/9/2010
Ted,
I am very much saddened by your decision. I was actually expecting you to announce you were staring “Gut-Press Check U” where you would be the star athlete, coach, and Dean of Propoganda. Alas, my hopes were crushed.
Pete Scribner
9/9/2010
In your press release yesterday, you mentioned that you think Syracuse could make a push for a bowl game this year (completely reversing field from previous comments, by the way). At first when I looked at the schedule, I have to admit, I didn’t see it. But then things began to come into focus.
Here is the clearest, most likely path to a bowl game in three easy steps:
1) Having already knocked off the mighty Akron Zips (is Gerry Faust still coaching there?), Syracuse beats a pair of FBS teams in Maine and Colgate. This certainly is no given, but they are both home games, so anything is possible.
2) Then in early November, a blizzard, the likes of which we’ve never seen, blows into upstate New York. All travel into and out of the city being cut off for the better part of a month, Louisville and UConn must forfeit their games at Cuse because of their inability to field a team at their games.
3) This means Cuse has five wins going into the season finale against Boston College. The league commisioner could then order the Eagles to stand down so that the Big East can have another bowl eligible team.
Presto! It’s that easy. If things work out this way, perhaps they will get selected to go to the New Era Pinstripe Bowl in New York to face a 9-3 Mizzou team that (for the fourth year in a row) gets completely hosed in the bowl selection process. Mizzou runs bubble screen after bubble screen and beats Syracuse something like 84-0.
Perhaps you will cover Mizzou (for at least one game) after all!
brett sutcliffe
11/20/2010
Thanks a ton for posting this, it was very helpful and helped very much