Things I Don’t Get, Volume 1

1. The Detroit Lions

As I think I explained pretty clearly in my earlier post re: The Lions re: Why I Should Be Their Next GM, I have no particular rooting interest in the Lions, nor do I care much beyond the fact that I reside in their media market and thus am guaranteed one completely sucky game on Fox Television each Sunday afternoon, commentated-on by Fox’s z-list booth crew made up of journalism students from local universitites. The Lions are currently about 40 minutes into their weekly throttling; this time at the hands of the normally hapless Houston Texans. The Lions are a bad football team, and are considerably worse than the Kansas City Chiefs, who are also a very bad football team.

My solution for this is simple: Replace the Lions in the National Football League with the USC Trojans, who currently play college football in the Pac-10. This would work on a number of levels. One, the Lions don’t currently have more than one or two players, not counting kickers, who could start at USC. Think about it. They don’t. Two, USC could continue paying its players, but this way it could do so with a clean conscience. Three, I could continue enjoying watching USC football (I do, very much) but could also do so with a clean conscience (see: paying players). Perhaps Obama can work on this after he gets elected, fixes the economy, eradicates all hopelessness everywhere, cures all diseases everywhere and balancesall budgets everywhere, including mine.

2. Why The Colts Suck So Badly in First Halves of Their Games

The Colts are a pretty good football team. They still have Peyton Manning, and Tony Dungy is still, ostensibly, God’s Coach unless God chose Another coach and forgot to tell His people of the change. That said, they’re routinely horrible in first halves and this Sunday, vs. Green Bay, is no different.

3. How the Titans Can Route the Chiefs and My Bye-Week Fantasy QB Kerry Collins can Throw for Zero Touchdowns

This one is pretty self explanatory.

4. Why Young People Who Move to Chicago Always Talk About How Much They Love Chicago Even Though It’s Pretty Obvious That They’re Miserable. (This point also works if you substitute the word “Phoenix” for Chicago in everything below.)

I have my good friend Nick Vandermolen to thank for this honest observation. I’ve known a number of Young People over the years who have made the obligatory move to Chicago post-graduation and have always raved about how there’s So Much To Do and it’s So Awesome to live there. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Chicago. My family’s from there and I love visiting. But Nick was honest enough to admit that he spends most of his time there waiting for transportation, and that most young people in Chicago at some point break down and admit to being massively lonely in a metro area full of millions of people. This leads me to believe that most people are pressured to rave about how Awesome most of their decisions are, even when deep down they know those decisions haven’t led to especially awesome life circumstances.

5. Why In Young-Married-Adult-Small-Group-Situations, When There’s An Awkward Conversational Pause, You Always Turn to the Nearest Child And Comment on Them In Much The Same Way You Would a Dog If There Was a Dog in the Room.

This is another very astute Vandermolen observation. But he doesn’t have computer access now because he’s spending all his money on transportation and Having an Awesome Time Living in Chicago so I’m typing this for him.